Over the weekend, people in faraway lands gathered for the purpose of kicking a ball around a field, and other people gathered to watch it and later they all got together to look down on me for not liking soccer. But what I do like is a little bit of violence sprinkled into my sports, and that’s where soccer makes brownie points with me. Can you imagine how much greater Air Bud: World Pup would have been if the dog had rabies and went around attacking everyone? Even better, they should have replaced him with White Dog.

Thankfully we have heroes like Luis Suarez and Samuel Eto’o to keep me from completely disregarding soccer. Suarez and his Ajax squad took on PSV Eindhoven on Saturday, and during a brief heated exchange between teams, Suarez bit Eindhoven’s Otman Bakkal on his neck. Actually, it was closer to his clavicle, if you want to get sexy about it.

Also on Saturday, Eto’o’s Inter Milan squad took on Chievo and Samuel became fed up with Bostjan Cesar and pulled a move from Zinedine Zidane’s playbook by headbutting Cesar in the chest. All in all, I’d say it was a pretty productive weekend in soccer violence. After the jump, take a trip down memory lane with some fun moments in soccer fights…

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I know you haven't been able to sleep at night since French soccer star Zinedine Zidane head-butted Italian defender Marco Materazzi in the 2006 World Cup final.   What could have Materazzi said to a normally capitulation-minded Gaul to make him act in such an aggressive manner?  Well, you no longer have to concoct a Benadryl/vodka cocktail to get some sleep because Marco finally revealed what he said:

"I prefer the whore that is your sister," Materazzi divulged in an interview in next week's edition of Italian magazine TV Sorrisi E Canzoni.

Wow, what a scoop.  But didn't Zidane say that's what Materazzi's insult was like a year ago?  I guess we can't blame Marco for divulging information everybody already knew a year later.  Italians are like that.  Most of the them in my grammar school had to repeat grades because of the same problem. -KD   

I got it. Zizou's in America. His World Cup head butt was fucking sweet. But for Chrissakes, he's here for fucking Fashion Week, not MLS.

This is like that time I went to France. Everybody thought I was there to go to war, just because it seemed like a logical place to conquer. But I was all, Jeez, I'm just here for the wine and cheese. And to casually stalk Laetitia Casta. Stupid gendarmes. Like it's my fault she should have gotten better locks for those windows.