Links

The 15 Most Absurd Lyrics from Lil Wayne’s Tha Carter IV - My favorite link of the day. I love it when we can take a step back and say “wait a minute, ‘hey fat fellow with the hair colored yellow’ is a terrible song lyric, why do I like this song?” Bar-tennen an shreppin babeh! [Smoking Section]

Football Guys - Mr. Jon Bois picks up our Deadspin feature from years ago and does something productive (arguably) with it. I am absolutely going to write one of these soon, per the terms of our licensing deal. Also included in the deal: I get Jon’s Sega Genesis. [SBN]

This Week in Movie Posters: Sean Astin Is Doin Great - I wanted to write that there is no movie in the world I’d like to see less than Three Musketeers, but then I got to the Puss In Boots 3D poster. Buzz, your Every Movie Being Released … woof. [Film Drunk]

The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 8/29 - Included here to make sure you read it before The Best And Worst of WWE Super Smackdown Live goes up a little later. Beth Phoenix in a corset top is in the header, so at least click the link and see what that’s about. [With Leather]

Costco Sells 14 Pounds of Guy Fieri’s Meat - I don’t think Guy Fieri has a single bodypart that weighs less than 14 pounds, and that includes his sunglasses. He’s probably the pleeb leaving me “you like vegan cookies ew gross” comments. [Warming Glow]

That $25 Computer Can Run Quake III - This seems impressive at first, but yeah, even calculators these days come loaded up with Angry Birds. My picture frame can play Excitebike, who cares? [Gamma Squad]

Iron Maiden Frontman Flying People Stranded by Irene Out of NYC - with SINISTER MOTIVES, no doubt. If the guy from Iron Maiden called me up and offered me a plane ticket, my first 300 questions would be “why are you calling me”. [UPROXX]

HIV Case Shuts Down Porn Industry - In a related story, does anybody personally know Allie Sin? If porno is gonna have a lockout, I uh, want to hire her as my housekeeper. [Film Drunk]

The 12 Most Annoying Types of College Students - #13, “all college students”. I hated college students when I was in college. [Buzzfeed]

Great Bands That Overcame Crappy Debut Albums - Even more impressive is Incubus, who have survived despite releasing seven crappy albums. [FARK]

10 Professions Tim Tebow Should Consider Instead of Football - Tim Tebow is going to end up running for President one day, isn’t he? There you go, calling it right now. President Tebow is going to happen, and OH MAN are the abortion jokes going to be non-stop. The Smoking Jacket]

Daryl Hannah Got Arrested at the White House - Obama should’ve slammed her face into the toilet and squished her eyeball with his foot. [Moviefone]

5 DC Comics Characters That Would Be Awesome on the Small Screen - As dorky as I am, part of me wants comic book people to spend the next 20 years making comic books good again so when we make movies and TV shows about them they don’t have to be terrible. Like, imagine how good Captain America would’ve been if Cap had been cool since like 1986? [AOL TV]

Hey! It’ that Woman from that Show! You Know the One. Her. Yeah! Her! - Did you know that actresses often appear in more than one thing? I didn’t, so this was especially eye-opening to me. [Pajiba]

Meet the Girl Who Only Cosplays Zelda Characters - Or, “get excited about this girl who probably wouldn’t be cute if I didn’t want to put it in Saria so bad”. Tell her to dress like Ganon and we’ll talk. [Pajiba]

Last year I spent the 4th of July sitting on a blanket on a hillside in the shadow of the Iwo Jima memorial, watching fireworks explode over D.C. This year I’m in Texas, and drought conditions means all local fireworks have been canceled. I feel it is my constitutional right to watch things explode, and will not post another word until this happens.

Sports

House of Punte Podcast - If you’re too tired to read, click over and listen to my second ever podcast appearance, wherein I talk to Punte about CM Punk, Our Gang, and how much better I am than Larry Brown of Larry Brown Sports. Just kidding on that last one, I’m terrible. And I didn’t talk enough about Our Gang. [House of Punte]

MLB Records at the Halfway Point, and What They Say About Your Team’s Playoff Chances - I’m going to keep doing what I’ve been doing since two months before the season began and call the Indians the “win-dians” and declare them World Series (and possibly Super Bowl) champs. It’s working so far. [SBN]

The Dugout: Frankruptcy! - If you left the office early on Friday you might’ve missed this Dugout, which is about the Frank McCourt thing but also barely about Frank McCourt. It helps if you know Spanish, and are easily outraged by Spanish language inaccuracies. Also, jokes about Fry Guys. [The Dugout]

Nike Re-Signs Michael Vick - A commenter on my post about Vick winning a BET award said I was misinformed, or “at worst a supporter of heinous crimes” for thinking violence against animals other than dogs was important. Nike has cut out the middle-man and given Vick the equivalent of about 2 billion BET awards. Go troll them instead! [Smoking Section]

Not Sports

Starz Cancels Eva Green’s Boobs - Eva Green should have Paz de la Huerta’s job. Also, here’s my pitch for a new show on Starz (or Showtime or HBO): it’s about America in the time of Eli Whitney, and chronicles the creation of the cotton gin, but also involves mythological monsters and tons of assf**king and stars the most Hispanic women I can find. [Warming Glow]

Jay Pharoah Does the Best (Insert Black Celebrity Here) - I want to be friends with Jay Pharoah just to make him do entire episodes of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air for me at parties. You know he can mimic literally anybody on that show, even Ashley. JUST MINE YA BIDNESS, JUST MINE YA BIDNESS etc. [Uproxx]

Review: Transformers Dark Side of the Moon - Here’s my review: I paid to see the first one out of nostalgia and got 2 1/2 hours of crap and like 40 seconds of awesome Starscream. I paid to see the second one based on that, and got robot balls and racist jokes that were probably also about balls. For me twice, won’t get fooled again. [Film Drunk]

Want to Play a New Zelda Game? On Your PC? - I would like to play any Zelda game that comes out within a year of its announcement and doesn’t get pushed back forty times. I still haven’t forgiven them for Twilight Princess. [Gamma Squad]

The Legend of Zelda and the death of Len Bias are both pushing 30 years old. I should’ve filled today’s Morning Links to articles about the Challenger Explosion and Hands Across America and called it a meme. Are things that happened a long time ago a “meme”? Oh who am I kidding, everything is a meme. Everything’s collectable, and everything’s a meme.

Sports

The Heartbreaking Potential of Len Bias - I remember how sad this was when it happened, even if I was barely old enough to know what “basketball” was. The only thing funny to come from it is those reports of people being all, “he’s like the new Michael Jordan!” when Jordan had been playing for like 20 minutes. [Smoking Section]

‘Strikeforce: Overeem vs. Werdum’ Live Results and Commentary - Well, they aren’t really live results now, but you get the idea. Here’s my review for Strikeforce: “the guy started fighting, and now he’s lying down. Hup, it’s over.” And that would STILL be better than WWE Capitol Punishment. [Cage Potato]

Your Guide to the 2011 Pick-Up Basketball Season - I just wanted to note for public record that the one time Jon and I actually got out to a park and played basketball, I won. I have also beaten him at Words With Friends and RBI Baseball. [SBN]

Who is to Blame for the Rioting? - Because Mondays are always sort of drab and exhausting, go back to the middle of last week and read a thought-provoking piece from Burnsy. Thoughts provoked include “what the hell is wrong with these people?” [Brandon's Website dot Org]

Not Sports

Robin Williams Sells Zelda - Three things to know: (1) Robin Williams has a colossal beard for some reason, (2) there is a new version of Ocarina of Time coming out, because money, and (3) Robin Williams has the cutest f**king daughter ever. [Gamma Squad]

The Hyper-Minimal Movie Posters of John Taylor - This minimalism thing is for the birds. I didn’t complain when everything on Cartoon Network started looking like Powerpuff Girls, so I guess I won’t complain now that the Jurassic Park poster is just a black square with a yellow circle in the middle. James Franco’s imaginary art isn’t that far from the truth. [Gamma Squad]

‘The Last Circus’ Looks Insane - Theory: Vince hated Super 8 for the same reasons he thinks this movie looks great. I find that my Killer Klowns From Outer Space aren’t really receptive when I show them Field of Dreams, either. [Film Drunk]

Mac from ‘It’s Always Sunny’ Gains 50 Pounds - …because “fat people are funnier”. Hey Mac, you want to be funnier? Put down the cheeseburger and write funnier episodes. [Warming Glow]