Even after my team locked up the worst record in the NBA, I’m trying hard to enjoy the NBA Playoffs because I think what LeBron James and the Miami Heat are doing this season, despite being what we’ve expected them to do from day one, is legendary stuff, and I think that the West is going to provide us with some exciting basketball all the way through Game 7 of the Conference Finals, before the eventual winner has to play the Heat in the NBA Finals.

Two things, though, are annoying the bejesus out of me. One, as always, is the completely idiotic scheduling that gives teams two days off between certain games, and is the reason why BASEketball gave us that hilarious scene about drawn out playoffs. The other, though, can only be explained with a Seinfeld reference. You know how Kramer practically has a seizure every time he hears Mary Hart’s voice? Well, that’s me with will.i.am.

Except instead of a seizure, I get really punchy. Case in point, ESPN’s “That Power” NBA Playoffs commercial, starring will.I.am and players from all of the playoff teams except for the ones that ESPN and the NBA don’t care about.

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Bro, have you ever listened to Grateful Dead? I mean really listened to them?

Vancouver Grizzlies forward Zach Randolph is a fantasy basketball stud, but unfortunately for him, fantasy basketball doesn’t pay the bills. Throughout his career Randolph has constantly been the guy on bad teams who puts up great numbers: he was on the Jail Blazers teams of the early 2000s, and has also played for the Clippers, Knicks, and now the Grizzlies. Randolph has long been considered to be a talented, but troubled player. Recent activities appears give that reputation has some merit.

A spokesperson for the Indianapolis police department confirmed that although no warrants have been issued for Zach Randolph as of this morning, the Memphis Grizzlies All-Star forward could face further questioning as part of an ongoing drug investigation. “Whether the detectives have an active criminal investigation regarding Zach Randolph, I don’t know,” Lt. Jeff Duhamell said. “Confidential informants bring up his name on several occasions. That being said, it’s just information provided to the police. That information led to the arrest of Arthur Boyd. The bottom line is Randolph knows this guy. The vehicle Boyd was driving belongs to Randolph. That’s the connection right now.” –GoGrizzlies

Apparently, Boyd is a pretty sketchy fella. Lt. Duhamell claimed that Boyd’s involvement in Indianapolis crime activity stretches the gamut “from narcotics to murder.” A pretty wide gamut, indeed. Randolph’s involvement with the situation is Boyd was driving Randolph’s Escalade at the time of his arrest. Weed was found in secret compartments of the car, and Randolph’s three other cars have been seized as a part of an Indianapolis drug investigation. When asked for comment, David Stern said “Wha wha wha? Our players smoke marijuana? This is an injustice that will not stand!” He then stormed out of his office, rigged the draft lottery for the next 20 years, and paid off referees to ensure a Lakers-Celtics final. After which, he rubbed his hands together menacingly and chortled.

The Suns blew out the Clippers 140-100 last night in Alvin Gentry’s debut as Phoenix’s coach, but the lopsided score was at least in part due to Zach Randolph’s first quarter ejection for punching Louis Amundson.

“He hopped up and got in my face and almost kissed me in my mouth… I just pushed him out of my face. If I would have hit him, he wouldn’t have got up off the ground,” said Randolph, who is almost certain to be suspended.

I like his definition of “push.”  It reminds me of the time the police showed up, and I had to assure them that I was just trying to help my girlfriend get down the stairs faster.

[The Sporting Blog]

Gosh, who could have possibly imagined that players on the Knicks would ever act like bratty children to each other?  It runs counter to all the discipline and leadership that Isiah Thomas has ingrained into the team.  And I never expected Zach Randolph and Nate Robinson, of all people, to get into a spat.  Those guys have always been such little angels.

[NY Post via You Been Blinded] 

Zach Randolph is having a great season so far… except that he's getting sued for an alleged sexual assault that happened during the preseason, and it sounds pretty SCAN-DA-LOUUUUUUUS:

According to the suit, Randolph paid the plaintiff $500 to participate in a sex act with another woman. The other woman, identified in the suit as "AF," is a friend of the plaintiff who is a sexual partner of Randolph.

Pretty sexy, right? If you've got the money, it's a pretty wise way to spend $500. Alas, sometimes you're better off paying for professionals:

The suit says the plaintiff simulated a sex act with the woman, to the displeasure of Randolph. After the simulated act, the plaintiff, who says she got drunk at the Exotica strip club with Randolph's party before going to the hotel, fell asleep, according to the lawsuit… When she awoke, the suit alleges, she was assaulted by Randolph.

Ooh. That's unsexy. This is a civil suit (police found insufficient evidence to prosecute), so Randolph needn't worry about being a JailBlazer. But it could cost him $2 million or more, depending on jury-decided damages. Sheesh, for two million bucks, I'll have sex with a woman and let Randolph assault me afterwards.

UPDATE: As usual, TrueHoop digs a little deeper. And there's some stuff that I might want more than $2M for.