The worst news for the Los Angeles Lakers today should have been that Devin Ebanks was arrested on suspicion of a DUI this morning. And then maybe that whole 1-4 start while Kobe Bryant evolves into a new breed of evil and Dwight Howard continues to pretend that everything works out in the end. Instead, it’s f*cking DEFCON 2 in L.A. this afternoon, as Lakers coach Mike Brown has been fired already, according to USA Today’s Sam Amick.

Mike Brown has been fired by the Los Angeles Lakers, according to his agent Warren Legarie.

The Lakers are off to a 1-4 start and will play Golden State tonight at the Staples Center.

Simple. Subtle. And not really unexpected, most notably because of this GIF of the Year candidate:

But it’s still shocking, as Lakers owner Jim Buss had made it clear that he had full trust in Brown and that he was sticking with him as a hard working, knowledgeable coach. Then again, this is the NBA and trust only means something when it’s written in the win column. So who then will replace Brown and fix this 1-4 funk that the sloppy, injured Lakers have already fallen into?

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I was pleased as hunch punch this morning when I saw that my cooler UPROXX cousin Christmas Ape had already covered the news that Frank Caliendo was out at FOX Sports as the go-to guy for the NFL pre-game’s horrible impressions of impressions. I was pleased not because I wouldn’t get to talk about it, but because Ape pointing out that Pro Football Talk’s Mike Florio thinking Caliendo is hilarious saved me a 3,000-word rant that would have drawn more expletives than currently exist in the English language.

Instead, I want to focus on Caliendo’s own Facebook response to this matter. I don’t know if he was actually fired, and I don’t really care. All I know is that every Sunday morning during the NFL season, I watch CBS and the NFL Network for a reason before the games begin. That reason has always been Frank Caliendo. He is the lowest-hanging fruit on comedy’s apple tree, presuming that Carrot Top is the dead, rotting fruit covered in dirt.

To everyone asking about the FOX pregame. I will not be back this coming season. It was great to be part of the team with Terry and the guys for the last 9 years, but it’s time to move on. I have a couple of upcoming ventures that look like they may be pretty cool… And as soon as I can tell you more about them– I definitely will. More soon!

Alas, I come here not to bury Caliendo, but to offer him some advice and perhaps make a plea bargain with him. I know that Caliendo will not stay entirely out of sports, because he’s too convenient for the lazy radio and podcast folks, and even cable news talking heads, to call up for their occasional dancing monkey. But Caliendo belongs in Las Vegas. He is the type of entertainer that the city was built for. Someone just give him a show already so he can disappear for a little while and let us watch our pre-game coverage without having to worry about how much nitrous oxide they’ll have to spray at Terry Bradshaw to make him cackle at Caliendo’s blackface Barkley routine.

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Take a wild guess.

In case you weren’t aware, ESPN loves Jeremy Lin. The New York Knicks point guard was mentioned something like once a minute on SportsCenter every day last week. So of course if someone at the Worldwide Leader f*cks up a story or report about Lin, that person will pay the price. For instance, Anthony Federico wrote a questionable headline regarding Lin and the Knicks losing last week and it cost him his job.

Of course, that headline was just a teeny-weeny itsy-bitsy offensive:

But dammit, you guys, Federico said he didn’t mean it. He’s really sorry about this and he totally didn’t mean “Chink” to be taken as an innuendo, even though it’s one of the most common and laziest forms of racism in the world. How sorry is he? He wrote a letter, man.

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I guess losing 37-10 to the New York Jets doesn’t sit well with anybody.

The Kansas City Chiefs fired coach Todd Haley on Monday, effective immediately.

The team did not name an interim coach in their statement announcing the move, however a league source told ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter that the Chiefs have told members of their organization that defensive coordinator Romeo Crennel will replace Haley on an interim basis.

Haley’s run in Kansas City wasn’t all monstrously embarrassing losses … he went 19-27 in his three seasons with the Chiefs, and he took the team to an AFC West division title in 2010, even if they bailed in the playoffs. Statements from the Chiefs have been largely positive, full of “Todd helped” and “this was a difficult decision”, but it’s pretty hard for me to feel sorrow or sympathy for any football coach for doing anything, because their job is more or less to stand there screaming and murmur quietly through post-game press. The press releases always find their way to “but this is what’s best for the team” in a few words. I want to see a coach keep his job through performances like this because the CEO thinks going 5-8 is what’s best for the team.

For more on the firing, I turn to the Twitter of the only Chiefs fan I know in real life, Jon Bois:

Reports: the candidates for the Chiefs’ coaching job narrowed down to an ape who has fallen into a well and the bell he won’t stop ringing. Chiefs also considering hiring a recently-divorced shirtless man who totally just ate a children’s cartoon-themed cereal with water

"And the Today Show is like 4 hours long, but by the end they're just hammered."

After an 8-8 season in 2010, Jacksonville Jaguars owner Wayne Weaver told the team’s coach, Jack Del Rio, that he would either lead the team to the playoffs in 2011 or he’d be canned. And after the Jaguars failed to defeat Matt Leinart and T.J. Yates on Sunday, Del Rio has indeed been douched. Del Rio was 68-71 with the Jags, and I think I speak for NFL fans everywhere when I say, “What the hell took so long?”

Actually, that’s easy to answer. Weaver gave Del Rio a ridiculous 5-year extension back in 2007 and he was too cheap to buy him out and admit a mistake when the ship immediately sank in 2008. So of course it came to the surprise of no one when it was finally announced, especially not Del Rio’s players, who will gladly admit that they suck.

“We kind of buried ourselves this year and for him to take the fall for that, all of us probably feel bad for that,” Jaguars tight end Zach Miller said. “I know me personally to see him go, it sucks. there’s no other way to put it. I like Jack, he’s been good to me. Great guy. And he’s a good coach. It’s an unfortunate situation for him.”

(Via Florida Times-Union)

Del Rio seems like one of those guys that you are just so indifferent about that you don’t like him or hate him, but if you’ve watched the Jags at all over the past 5 years, you should know that he never had a chance. An 11-5 finish in 2007 made it seem like good things were coming, but beyond Maurice Jones-Drew, this team never had an offense that was going to win anything.

But this is probably good news for Del Rio, too, because he won’t be unemployed for too long. He’ll get another shot to prove he’s a good coach that was bogged down by a terrible team, just like John Fox did in Denver. And Del Rio might not even have to move too far, as there will probably be two jobs opening in Florida soon. You know, if he’s cool with that whole terrible team thing again.

SUPER BIG NEWS UPDATE: Weaver has sold the Jaguars, apparently, to Shadid Kahn… KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN! Word is written agreements will keep the Jags in Jacksonville. Yeah, because written agreements can’t be changed.

We know, dude. Trust us, we know.

Sometimes I think that young people in the Third World look at America and they think, “Why can’t I have that?” And then on days like this, I assume they’re thinking, “What a bunch of pricks.” Last night was probably one of those times, as thousands of students and fans of Penn State University rioted through the streets of University Park, some in support of iconic football coach Joe Paterno, and others in support of the university’s sudden decision to fire JoePa after 45 years.

The Board of Trustees announced at a 10 p.m. press conference that Paterno’s employment would be terminated immediately, as opposed to yesterday’s reports that he would be allowed to resign at the end of the season. The termination comes, of course, after Paterno’s former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky was revealed to have allegedly sexually abused young boys in Penn State athletic facilities. Paterno was admonished by investigators as having done everything necessary when accusations were first made in 2002; however, that has done nothing to quell the moral outrage.

As I stated yesterday, I will make no humor of or judgment toward this affair, but it’s worth pointing out how ludicrous the behavior was of those causing property damage to small businesses and the university last night. And of course it even reached the Occupy Wall Street people, because they really seem like the sporting bunch to me.

UPDATE: Now with more pictures of students tipping over a news van and with their faces clear as day so that people might identify them and put them in a jail cell of their own. As well as a few others of people generally supporting Paterno.

INCREDIBLY OBNOXIOUS UPDATE: Penn State rioters planked. Unreal.

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