Sports

Gina Carano’s Haywire Has New Photos - I wish I’d been around a couple of years ago to try and convince you “American Gladiators” was a sports thing. I can’t wait to see Gina Carano in movies, where there is a 100% better chance of me seeing her naked. Also, I think the best way to shoot an uzi flamethrower is to hold it as close to your face as possible. [Film Drunk]

Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and Larry Bird Cover NBA 2K12 - I approve of this marketing, and think we should erase the last 15 years of NBA history and have continuity pick back up sometime around when Chris Webber showed up. [Smoking Section]

CM Punk Crashes Comic-Con - There are a lot of Comic-Con-related links in today’s Morning, but none as wonderful to me as the WWE Champion showing up and making Bill Simmons feel like he’s got to explain ‘worked shoots’ to us again. Here’s a footnote: you don’t know anything about wrestling. [The Wrestling Blog]

Disgusting Video of the Day: Pat Barry Loses a Wisdom Tooth - He needs a pair of jam shorts that say ‘WARRIOR’ down the side so you know how tough he is for doing this. Also, he should compare himself to a warrior or some sort of Spartan every time he opens his mouth. [Cage Potato]

With Leather

Lockout This: 10 Awesome Sports That Could Replace the NBA - Assuming we don’t move forward with my Zero Hour plan for the NBA, these will be suitable replacements, especially “Octopush”, which is about as close to Blitzball as we’re going to get. Luca Goers for life. [With Leather]

The Dugout: How to Pick Up Soccer Girls on the Internet - I think my professional dream at this point is to have one f**king baseball player say “oh hey, I know about that comic you’ve been making for the last seven years”. I still think Farnsworth turned down an interview with us because we’re the only thing that shows up when you google Kyle Farnsworth. [With Leather]

Tennessee Cops Can’t Find Murder Suspect Because They’re Looking at Porn - Lorenzen Wright’s family might be making it up, but it’s hilarious/depressing to think cops have to let dead people rot because they spent too much time browsing for casual encounters on Craigslist. [With Leather]

Taiwanese Animation Covers Yao Ming - Worth it just to hear an Asian lady say “Charles Barkley”. [With Leather]

Not Sports

A Golden Treasury of Photos from the First Day of Comic-Con 2011 - I want to make it to one of these things one day. I’ve been to a Wizard World and a Motor City Con, but never the big real one. I want to camp out for two weeks and be briefly glared at by Kristen Stewart. :( [UPROXX]

The Best of #Justin Bieber Lulz - In case we aren’t all tired of making fun of this kid by now, here’s a ton of stuff making fun of him. I never hear him on the radio and only see him on TV when people are interviewing him about how popular he is, so I don’t know, I think he’s a figment of our imagination. Let’s direct some of this hatred toward somebody who deserves it, like will.i.am. [UPROXX]

Comic-Con: Beavis and Butthead - I’m so happy about this, and the only news that would’ve been better is ten more seasons of “King of the Hill”. [Collider]

Did you expect Zach Galifianakis to ride something other than a Vespa? - No. [FARK]

Taiwain’s storied Next Media Animation has commemorated the retirement of Yao Ming by putting together a short film about his life and career, as interpreted by a person on so many drugs their brain is about to explode. I love these things and never miss a chance to post them (with my favorites being Gay Softball League Can Continue To Discriminate? and Leslie Knope being possessed by the spirits of Wamapoke ancestors) but this one might be the best yet. Besides the highlights mentioned in the title, Ming rides a shark through a sea of rose petals and we find out the amazing way a Taiwanese lady says “Charles Barkley”.

See for yourself:

A more subtle highlight is hilarious little animated David Stern. He looks like he should be getting jumped on by Mario. Also sort of funny is the outro, which features a little bit of English, because the people that make these are totally on to us.

[h/t The Last Angry Fan]

Remember that really tall Chinese guy who came to the NBA, because he was so good at basketball in China, and featured in crazy soda commercials of him having an army of pandas?

That poor soul is dead and gone, yet Yao Ming’s body keeps chugging along, playing a couple emotionless games until the inevitable bone explosion. He fractured his right knee in 2006, had a stress fracture in his foot in 2008 and suffered a stress fracture in his left ankle just a couple weeks ago, ending his season and possibly longer. He’s just awfully break-y, huh?

If you’re a normal person, you’d think that the Rockets would let him heal and keep him around, since he’s been good his whole career when he’s healthy, almost averaging a double-double in his career in Houston (19.1 PPG, 9.3 RPG). What do the Rockets say, though? “WHO WANTS HIM?”

It actually makes sense, though, as Adrian Wojnarowski from Yahoo explains:

The lure of acquiring Yao for potential suitors is the $8 million in savings that insurance will provide for his $17.7 million expiring contract this season. Some teams are considering re-signing Yao on a short-term deal with hopes of restoring him to playing health, while others see his contract as a cost-saving measure.
…
The Rockets are dangling Yao to acquire a good young player with an upside, if not an established talent. Despite offering Yao in trades, the Rockets haven’t ruled out the possibility of re-signing him to a short-term contract extension.

Take a physically (and maybe mentally at this point) broken former great, save a lot of money. A very crafty sell, Daryl Morey. I’m sure Bill Simmons will write something about this, most likely inserting it as a tangent inside his NFL picks column (that’s how he rolls, brah).

As a final note, I present to you another great commercial featuring Yao. It’s great because his name sounds like an informal American greeting, and it’s also great because New York stereotypes are hilarious!

So that silly little foot injury that knocked Rockets big man Yao Ming out of the NBA Playoffs may also keep him on the shelf for all of 2009-2010. Reports are conflicting as to how much time Yao is expected to miss. If I had a dollar for every time one of these Chinese sat out of games because of a broken left foot. From SI.com, who has no annoying autoplay videos on their site that I can find:

Yao suffered a hairline fracture of the tarsal navicular bone late in a May 8 playoff game against the Los Angeles Lakers. The team said last week the injury hasn’t healed and he was out indefinitely.

Yao played in 77 regular-season games in 2008-09, his most injury-free year since 2004-05, when he played in 80. Before last season, Yao missed chunks of previous three seasons with leg and foot injuries.

Like many of the NBA’s stars, Yao had a limited offseason last summer while competing in the Beijing Olympics. I’m sure soaking that foot in mop water hasn’t helped much. Fortunately, tall Chinese players are a bit of an aberration, like four-leaf clovers and games where Tracy McGrady actually plays.

NBA Hall of Famer Clyde Drexler provides color commentary for Rockets games, and he is outstanding at it.  Just as he and play-by-play man Bill Worrell were discussing Andres Nocioni’s inability to cover Yao Ming, Yao made another easy bucket over Nocioni, prompting this exchange:

Drexler: “That’s like clubbing baby seals. There’s nothing Nocioni can do.”
Worrell: “Oh wow. Give me a better picture than that.”

If you listen carefully, you can actually hear Worrell’s asshole clench up.  Don’t be such a little bitch, Bill.    Like you’re Mr. Perfectly 100% Politically Correct or something.  It’s like that old saying, “Let he who has never clubbed a baby seal… club the first baby seal.”

[Clutch Fans via Awful Announcing]

Just in time for Christmas… Now you, too, can have a small plastic basketball that transforms into a robot with Yao Ming’s head and, uh, little basketball wings.  Meanwhile, Rockets fans would like to see a Yao that transforms out of street clothes and plays through the second half of the season and playoffs.

[Freshness Mag via Ball Don't Lie]