Worst. Police lineup. Ever.

If you thought that something as silly as constant foot and ankle injuries leading to early retirement were going to stop former Houston Rockets center Yao Ming from dominating the world, you were dead wrong. Yao, after having spent some time adorably tickling a baby panda, has taken his place in the Chinese People’s Political Consultative Conference as a legislative advisor. He’s like the Bill Bradley of China, not because he’s a former athlete turned politician but because he makes his peers look freakishly small.

Of the 142 members of the CPPCC, Yao is the youngest at only 31-years old. Responded the 32-year old blogger writing about Yao’s monumental success, “Yeah, but can he make fart noises with his hands? I think not.”

“Yao said the new title shows trust coming from the people in the city. He had said before that once he decides to do something, he will try his best to accomplish it. So we can trust him that he can balance all aspects of his work and study, and do well in this job,” said Yao’s spokesman Zhang Chi.

But Zhang denied that Yao has any ambitions to have a “political career”.

“The responsibilities for a CPPCC member include offering political consultation, and supervision. What Yao wants is to use his influence to do good deeds for society but not to seek a political position,” Zhang said.

(Via China Daily, which needs new space bars for its computers.)

Good deeds like releasing 6 pandas into the wild and donating his personal three-penis wine to an auction benefiting the Special Olympics East Asia. I’m not saying that Yao’s young age and incredible accomplishments make him any better than most American basketball players, but if Yao and Rasheed Wallace both needed a kidney to live and I was the only match, I could probably be won over with a pet baby panda.

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Last Friday, the not-surprisingly-terrible New Jersey Nets earned their second win of the season with a 97-85 tickle fight against the slightly-less-terrible Toronto Raptors. But the scoreboard be damned, because the Raptors fans above earned the biggest victory of all as they reportedly heckled Nets forward and ex-Kardashian enabler Kris Humphries throughout the entire game with their giant cutout signs of E!’s First Family. Damn that classic Canadian wit.

The rest of the weekend and early season action has continued as expected, with the biggest surprise thus far being the 7-2 Philadelphia 76ers and their 6-game winning streak. It looks like all the City of Brotherly Love needed was a little Will Smith injection of jiggyness and some of the ugliest mascot options in sports history. Good for the 76ers and the other little engines that could, as they will inevitably be decimated by the Miami Heat.

Before we get started, though, let’s take a look at the ballsiest basketball bros you’ll see upgrade their seats this season…

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Yao Ming may have retired from the NBA earlier than most of us would have liked, but that’s not going to stop him from using his Hall of Fame notoriety for good. First, he donated a few bottles of his very own wine and some custom shoes and suits to an auction that benefited the Special Olympics East Asia. Now he and his wife, Ye Li, have loaned their star power to the grand opening of the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding in China’s Sichuan province.

The facility just launched the Panda Valley protection area, where rescued and rehabilitated giant pandas are being safely returned to their lives in the wild so they will hopefully start doing it and making more adorable panda babies, like the pair that Yao and Ye got to play with yesterday. Seriously, I can’t think of a better way to make a man feel better about his career ending early than by letting him play with baby pandas.

Except maybe red panda babies, because they’re probably the most adorable little things on this planet.

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I probably have a few million first world complaints that I keep to myself for the sake of not being struck by lightning, but if I had to throw one out there, I’d say that Kate Upton doesn’t Tweet enough fun pictures of her and her friends. And no, it’s not because I like to sit in a dark room and photoshop myself into those pictures, despite what any court documentation might say. But when Kate does Tweet pics of her random adventures, it proves one of my oldest theories – life must be good for a gorgeous 19-year old supermodel.

Kate, a huge New York sports fan, recently toured the newest additions to Madison Square Garden and I’m sure it was the greatest thrill of her life. Must have been a million times better than those lame ass trips to Caribbean islands and sitting front row at anything on this planet that has a front row. But she Tweeted the pic of her and her friend Lizzy Glynn having fun so who am I to complain?

Oh, and if you weren’t aware, Kate was also photographed for Diddy’s new coffee table book about the female posterior, fittingly titled, “Culo.” I happen to have her contribution after the jump, as well as this week’s Wild Card Wednesday. Join me, won’t you?

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I suppose that if you’re a once-dominant NBA center and the face of an entire nation’s athletic ambitions, you’re probably going to want to branch out when that basketball career is cut short by nagging injuries. Such is the case with former Houston Rockets center Yao Ming, who is going to use his athletic fame to propel him into the next phase of his professional life – wine maker.

Yao Ming Wine will be available for purchase for the first time ever this Sunday at an auction benefiting the Special Olympics East Asia. But whether you’re a Sino Sommelier or just a guy who loves to get drunk, it’s going to take a little bit of effort to get your hands on a bottle of Yao.

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Like that scene with the awesome Regina Spektor song in 500 Days of Summer. Your expectations for the Morning Links: 12 links to galleries of Kate Upton, possibly with a Kate Upton video at the top. Okay, 11 links to galleries of Kate Upton and one about MMA. Reality: That lady can only do so much in a weekend, so you have to read about angry, heavyset soccer parents in Iowa and 11-foot tall Chinese guys.

Sports

Yao Ming: Expectations Vs. Reality - Outside of the Taiwanese Animation recap we haven’t said much about the retirement of Yao Ming, because “he was a nice guy who did pretty well at basketball” and “you guys don’t comment on posts featuring actual sports news” are hard to express in 350 words. [Smoking Section]

#Podcast: The Chris Kluwe Interview - @PUNTE continues his run of talking to real sports folks about real sports things by talking to the Minnesota Vikings punter. My New Year’s resolution now is “talk to somebody who plays for the Houston Texans, or at least knows somebody who does. Possibly one of the cheerleaders”. Who am I kidding, definitely one of the cheerleaders. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Hitpost Will Make You a Sports Reporter - So will getting an editor position at a popular sports blog because you made a funny webcomic, but don’t tell anybody. [Uproxx]

Olympics In The Deep South: A 15-Year Retrospective Of Atlanta’s Summer Games - 15 years later and about 10 after I found out, and I’m still jealous of Jon Bois for going to the Kurt Angle Olympics. He won a gold medal with a broken freakin’ neck! [SBN]

With Leather

The Chained Heat of Iowa Softball - If you didn’t read this because 1) it was Friday, 2) the story was a day old or 3) it is about preteen softball, you’re missing out on a great example of lookism and a video featuring Thora Birch and Christina Ricci before they were dragged onto the Hollywood F and D-teams, respectively. I miss you, Thora. Be in movies I don’t have to buy at Wal-mart to see. [With Leather]

The Great Foul Ball Debate - Last week’s best feature, still making me angry well into Monday and only slightly hurt by Burnsy not being able to recognize a developmentally-disabled guy. [With Leather]

Bynum’s Life is a Flagrant Foul - Parking across a crosswalk and a handicap spot is bad, but at least he didn’t forearm shiver any child-sized people in the parking lot. As recommended, I’m permanently associating the “Andrew Bynum” and “assholes” tags. [With Leather]

Tim Pawlenty Is The ‘Miracle On Land’ - Don’t care about politics or magical hockey stories? You should still read this, because I make the closest thing I’m ever going to make to a good political joke. Usually I just type “Obama? More like NO-bama! Keep ‘The Change’!” and stare at my monitor until my brain farts and convinces me that’s an okay thing to put on the Internet. Also, SMDH @ Tim Pawlenty. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Comic-Con Photo Diary: Part One - New professional goal: be cool/good enough that my bosses send me to places like Comic-Con to do things like photo diaries. Sure, I’m taking 200 pictures at the Round Rock Express game, but nobody’s paying me to do it. [Film Drunk]

Corgi Cosplay for Comic-Con - Keep your skinny girls trying to pass themselves off as hot by wearing dumb clothes, give me cute dogs. Arguable point: outside of Halloween and young adult mixers, only animals should be put in funny clothes for our amusement. [Warming Glow]

Super Fun “Where the Wild Things Are” Tattoos - I was going to make fun, but 1) Where the Wild Things Are (in book and movie form) is great and 2) I have a Charlotte’s Web tattoo, so who am I going to make fun of? [Gamma Squad]

Adult Swim’s Never-To-Be-Aired-On-TV “Black Dynamite” Pilot’s Online Premiere - In a better world, the Black Dynamite cartoon will get four season and be hilarious. Also in that world, cooler people appreciate “The Venture Bros.” and “Tom Goes to Mayor” never existed. [Adult Swim]