I liked football better back when I thought it was real.

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5 Reasons The New DC Logo Is Awful, Awful, Awful - Is comics the only industry where the only way to succeed is to systematically ruin and re-ruin and re-ruin everything halfway decent the people who had the job before you did? Marvel’s new logo should just be Walmart’s. [Gamma Squad]

10 Reasons To Shop At Wal-Mart - Reason 11: those 25 dollar WWE DVDs get dropped down to 5 bucks and tossed in the discount bin whenever they retire or get released. Oh hai Edge DVD! [Buzzfeed]

Hazel Jones’s Two Vaginas Are Freely Available On YouTube - Thank goodness! If they aren’t going to release seasons of Hazels Jones’s Two Vaginas on DVD, at least I get to watch it somewhere. [Film Drunk]

Cable TV Is Full of Liars - As if those infomercials where the people try to grab bread or whatever in black and white and get hurt and get a big red X over their faces weren’t enough of a clue. [Warming Glow]

Kevin Love’s Game Winning Three Breaks The Clippers 101-98 - More importantly, which celebrities watched it happen? [Smoking Section]

A Premature Tribute To Paul Rudd’s Bobby Newport - Bobby Newport. Bobby Newport. Bobby, Newport. Bobby. Bobby. [UPROXX]

9 Funny Tourist Photobombs - HuffPost Comedy, for when you want to read Cracked.com but wish it was written by job-stealing robots. [HuffPost Comedy]

Man Sues Rupert Murdoch For Defaming Him Through ‘Donnie Darko’ and ‘The X-Files’ - I should sue him for defaming me through ‘Bob’s Burgers’. [The FW]

The 10 Least Plausible Movie Stunts Ever. Complete With SOPA-unfriendly Videos - That horse powersliding under a truck had better be on here somewhere. Also, Jessica Alba hurting someone with a punch ever. [FARK]

Five Movies where One Actor has Five or More Roles - It’s pretty sad when these lists go up, and Alec Guinness and Peter Sellers get lumped into the talent pool with post-Crisis Eddie Murphy. Yes, Kind Hearts And Coronets is just like The Klumps. [Unreality]

Redesigns of Classic Hip-Hop Album Covers - Someone should redesign every album Nas has made since Illmatic so he can be as cool and good as he’s supposed to be. Also, redesign Nicki Minaj by turning her into a giant pink blur, plz. [High Definite]

Recent inspection reports from Chicago’s Wrigley Field show that out of 35 concessions, health inspectors found 20 critical violations at nine booths. In case you were hoping a “critical violation” to a health inspector means something harmless like “bald guy not wearing hair net”, I am deeply saddened to inform you that it is not harmless and probably the grossest things you can imagine, including but not limited to black slime accumulating in an ice machine.

Let that sink in for a moment. Black slime. Start trying to figure out how a machine with nothing in it but ice could even grow black slime.

Big League Stew has a complete rundown of Wrigley’s violations, including an hilarious TV segment where a reporter has to ask someone if goddamn black slime growing in a vending machine is good or bad, and a “food safety expert” has to use their lifetime of experience to confirm that it is bad. In case you ever wanted to have a hot dog again, other violations included

• Food being cooked at temperatures not hot enough to kill bacteria.

• Workers serving food with the same unclean hands that touch germ-ridden money.

• More than 24 pounds of hamburgers, hot dogs and sausages that had to be thrown away because they were unsafe to eat.

I guess the Ricketts family got their healthcare procedures from the corn dog scene in Adventureland.

My theory is that God has to find some way to dissuade people from supporting the Cubs and the whole 100 years of losing thing didn’t work, so poisoning them with 70-degree black oil sausages is the next idea. To their credit, nothing at the ballpark is “healthy” (that bin of day-old pineapple I can shovel into a cup isn’t fooling anybody), a 100% healthy fast food stand anywhere that thousands of sports fans gather is probably an impossibility, and there’s a solid chance that even my souvenir soda from Progressive Field was Starbucked at the bottom with asbestos. To their discredit, Jesus Christ, Wrigley Field, could I get f**king Icee without you blowing your nose in it?

[image via RandomESHG]