Mathematical!

This week, Sports On TV covers the greatest sports moments of the best cartoon on television, Cartoon Network’s ‘Adventure Time.’ If you aren’t familiar with the show, it follows the various quests and activities of a human boy and his dog as they live and fight monsters in the Land of Ooo, a post-apocalyptic Earth full of candy people, inter-dimensional vampire demons, anus-obsessed ghosts and every D&D joke imaginable. It’s a show you either love from the moment you give it a shot, or spend the rest of your life side-eying. Hopefully you’re in the first group.

Be sure to check out the moments and the other Sports On TV columns after the jump, and don’t miss the Peppermint Butler commenting badge we’re giving you for sharing our list around and dropping a comment. Do that, and you’re tops blooby.

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Would you like to watch a video of a big panda wrestling around with a little one? If I told you that the big panda pulls off a sweet German suplex (pictured, right) would you want to watch it more?

I ran the YouTube description through Google Translate, and this is what it gave me:

March 11, 2013. Beach has excellent outdoor debut.
Good beaches to chase the excellent beach.

I don’t speak Chinese, but I’m gonna guess the words for “panda” and “beach” are pretty similar. Panda has excellent outdoor debut! Good pandas to chase the excellent panda. That makes more sense, right? Because that big panda is good, but the baby panda is excellent. He also need to watch out for the big panda’s sick gutwrench.

[h/t to Daily Of The Day]

Photo credit: Antioch Police Department

On Wendesday, we shared with you the story of a Catholic high school baseball coach who pretended to be a lady on Facebook to get naked pictures of his players. Now, according to U.S. law, here is a thing that is basically the same: an Illinois high school special-education teacher got caught smoking pot under the bleachers during a sectional wrestling tournament.

Can we call that “Potfishing?”

As [Peter] Mulloy lit up his “one-hit” pipe, however, an off-duty police officer sitting in the stands smelled the strong scent of marijuana and went to investigate.

Beneath the spectators, the officer found Mulloy smoking weed and confronted him before calling police in Antioch, the Chicago Tribune reported. (via NY Daily News)

The 50-year old Mulloy (who clearly understood the best way to enjoy sectionals … ask anybody who’s seen an episode of ‘Glee’) was arrested and charged with “possession of cannabis and possession of drug equipment” and released on a massive $120 bail.

He goes back to court in March. Pete, if you’re googling your name with your head in your hands and come across this, I’d like to suggest the following excuse: “Your Honor, I was depressed about the International Olympic Committee removing amateur wrestling from the 2020 Olympic Games, and the beauty of this local Illinois wrestling tournament combined with the hopelessness of these kids’ sports futures gave me great anxiety. Also, I was using the one-hit pipe for tobacco, like Miley Cyrus and literally everyone else ever who has been caught with a pipe or bong.”

If that doesn’t work, enjoy your lifetime in prison, because we are super weird about drugs.

[h/t to Vince]

"Nope."

Wrestling is not a sport. No, I’m not talking about pro wrestling (for once). I’m talking about wrestling wrestling.

Following the removal of baseball from the Olympics in a quest to get Brandon to stop watching it completely, International Olympic Committee leaders are planning to drop amateur wrestling from the 2020 Olympics. You know, the sport that has been part of the games since 1896 and kinda-sorta represents the entire “man vs. man” thing the Olympics (and sports in general) are going for.

Oddly, the angle the Los Angeles Times write-up of the story takes is that modern pentathlon is being removed, and how nobody gives a shit about modern pentathlon, and what modern pentathlon is. They just lump wrestling in with table tennis and badminton somewhere in the middle.

The IOC will also review preparations for the Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia — less than a year away — and the 2016 Summer Games in Rio de Janeiro.

The sports expected to be on the hot seat for removal besides modern pentathlon: Taekwondo, wrestling, badminton and table tennis.

The report analyzes more than three dozen criteria, including television ratings, ticket sales, anti-doping policy and global participation and popularity.

… keeping in mind that synchronized swimming, handball, race walk, shooting and “Nordic Combined” will all still happen at their appropriate Olympics, just not wrestling or baseball. Pretty soon the Olympics is just going to be gymnasts posing on the sidelines of a soccer game, holding up a big sign that says PLEASE LIKE SOCCER, BECAUSE OLYMPICS.

But hey, golf is joining the Olympics in 2016. That’s exciting and athletic, right?

If you’re just waking up from a 30-day coma, here’s a brief recap of what you’ve missed in Hulk Hogan’s life – Gawker posted a clip from a sex tape involving Hulk Hogan and an unknown woman, people speculated that the woman may have been Heather Clem (wife of his former best friend Bubba the Love Sponge), Clem responded like, “Stop, this is ruining my life, but yeah that’s totally me”, Hogan became furious and shooks his fists while vowing to sue everyone responsible, Sponge swore that he didn’t release the tape to Gawker but then settled with Hogan in private, and Hogan sued Gawker for $100 million because the site still hasn’t taken the video down.

I think that about sums it up. Oh, and then there’s the news that a judge told Hogan yesterday that the video can indeed remain online, because WHATCHA GONNA DO, BROTHER, when you can’t prove that Gawker didn’t have the right to post the tape when it did?

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I’ve prepared separate intro blurbs, depending on who you are. Find the one that is most appropriate for you!

I Don’t Watch Glee: I know, I know. Welcome to this week’s Sports On TV, featuring the first show I’ve ever watched specifically for the benefit of the column, FOX’s ‘Glee’. If you’ve never seen it, it’s a show your niece probably watched two or three years ago about a glee club at a Lima, Ohio, high school who interpret their feelings via reality-warping musical numbers. If you’ve never seen it and know what it is, yeah, it’s not great. However, if you’re a regular reader of the column, you’ll hopefully have a little faith in my writing/ability to write aggressively about stuff that sucks, so take a look through this one anyway. You’ll find a lot of funny jokes, a few pictures of hot girls and at least one video of zombie football players. That’s something, right?

I Watch Glee, And I Love It: Welcome to this week’s Sports On TV column, wherein I rag on that show you like because it’s not aimed at my intelligence level or demographic. Please read through the moments I’ve selected, tear apart any inaccuracies in my analysis, and show it to all of your friends so they can do the same. Make it really virally popular so nobody who likes ‘Glee’ will ever come here again!

I Watch Glee (Or Have Watched Glee) And Do Not Like It: You’re probably going to love this.

So please click through and enjoy the 20 greatest sports moments of ‘Glee’. *unnecessary bell ringing sound*

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