I don’t want to be presumptuous, but is it safe to assume that a guy who orders, proudly displays and probably eats a birthday cake shaped like an enormous black lady-ass probably doesn’t have healthy relationships with women?

I can’t say for sure, but this is the 25th birthday cake of Buffalo Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson, a 24-year old whose birthday isn’t until tomorrow. Flopping Out posted the pictures from his party and their found their way to Hot Clicks, and soon everyone will be able to enjoy the most urban version of Alive ever. I just hope the cake had vanilla on the inside, because nobody should want to eat chocolate out of an ass.

Personally, my favorite part of the cake is that the baker made a gigantic food ass but still put underwear on it. Is it too hard to bake a butthole? Couldn’t you just put a gumdrop between the cheeks and call it a day? Maybe we’ll find out soon on the grossest ever episode of “Ultimate Cake Off”.

[butt tip to Hot Clicks]

Normally when I read something that starts off with “Stopped into a Pittsburgh-area Dairy Queen yesterday” it’s followed by a half-assed excuse for getting a handy from a fat chick in a Penguins jersey. But this time it’s because Dan Hopper, the Senior Editor at Best Week Ever, took a couple snap shots of some cakes that he found at a Dairy Queen while he was in Pittsburgh. It seems that parents in the Steel City can celebrate their kids’ birthdays by giving them a Ben Roethlisberger cake. Not to be outdone, Carvel has released its own Rapey the Raspberry Rhino ice cream cake.

But as much fun as a cake that’s main ingredients presumably include two giant nuts and an imposing banana can be, the real Big Ben news today revolves around the Steelers QB’s admission in an interview yesterday that he contemplated quitting the NFL in the midst of his sexual misconduct allegations. Adding, “Because everyone knows the UFL is totally cool with a bathroom bonejob.”

Pack me a pint full of rum raisin, Fox Sports, and if it doesn’t fit, force it in there:

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