Last year, we were introduced to Pauline Potter, the World’s Heaviest Living Woman according to the Guinness Book of World Records and despite what Susanne Eman might have to say about it. In retrospect, I wonder what Skinny Gossip would think about me using a picture of Kate Upton as the opposite of morbidly obese. It would probably melt her/his brain.

But I digest. It turns out that Potter, the woman who once claimed that she lives to overindulge and eat whatever she wants, is doing her best to lose weight. And it’s working. She has found a way to burn 500 calories more each day and she’s dropped from 643-lbs. to 545-lbs. So how exactly did Potter lose 98-lbs. that fast and effectively?

You must know where I’m going with this.

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Beware all ye who tread beyond this image.

There are some days that I look up at the sky and wonder if the world really is coming to an end, and today’s not just one of those days. I think it’s the day that we’ve finally received an answer. Susanne Eman, the World’s Fattest Woman, is getting married. And of course it’s to a chef, because her story just had to get dumber.

Last year, we introduced you to Eman, who hails from Phoenix and had the aspiration of doubling her weight from 800-pounds to 1,600-pounds or 4/5 of a f*cking ton. Sadly, we later learned that doctors stepped in and told her that if she continued this ridiculous quest, she’d die before she ever hit her goal. So she stopped, and it seemed like her fame did as well.

Guess again, skinny britches! Eman’s back and she’s finally found love in a colonoscopeless place, and she’s adding one more world record notch to her equator belt – the world’s largest wedding dress. Give me the quote of the year, Huffington Post!

“I like an off-whitish, not completely white. Because if I wear completely white, I guarantee I’m going to spill something on it,” Eman told Inside Edition.

Just how big is the world’s largest wedding dress? 45 FEET OF MATERIAL! Her waist is 9 feet! Responded a naked child in Africa, “That’s cool, I’m good.” Let’s just hope that Eman never discovers Kate Upton’s Fashion Bridal Lingerie collection. *shivers*

Eman has also decided that her health is meaningless, because she now wants to achieve the status of the fattest woman ever. That record currently belongs to Rosalie Bradford, who died in 2006. I assume from natural causes.

I know what you’re wondering: “Does this classic American love story come with fries pictures?” You bet your ass. Maybe keep that Kate Upton link open just in case.

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We're gonna need more Kate Uptons STAT!

Over the past few weeks, we’ve been introduced to Donna Simpson, the World’s Fattest Mom who is being forced to lose weight or she will die, and Susanne Eman, the “World’s Fattest Woman” who wants to be fatter. Well I’ve got some great news for both of them – Lean Pockets are 2 for $4 at Publix this week and Eman now has a reason to get fatter. It turns out that she’s not the fattest woman on Earth, as the Guinness Book of World Records has bestowed that honor upon 47-year old Pauline Potter of Sacramento, CA. It gets better – Potter will be featured in the 2012 edition’s section on “Extreme Beauty.”

*air guitars, kick flips into pool filled with mayonnaise*

So what does the new Queen of Un-Lean Cuisine have to say for herself?

“Everything people take for granted—those are the things I dream of,” Potter told People of not being able to live the life she wanted. “I’m not living. I want more.” (Via Third Age)

While I’m no nutritionist, I think the easy first step is to remove the pudding IV. But apparently Potter, who blames her weight on being a “compulsive eater” so she might as well also claim to be a sex addict with ADD living in fear of Lord Xenu*, wants to be a one-and-done record holder and use this notoriety to get some help. Free help, of course.

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Kate Upton's presence required as a visual Band-Aid.

Two weeks ago, I brought you the incredibly brave story of Susanne Eman, an Arizona woman who is not only a Guinness World Record holder, but is also aspiring to be so much better at what she is famous for. Her claim to fame, of course, is that she is the fattest woman in the world and she is trying to become heavier. Sadly, one of her biggest peers is being forced to do the opposite.

Donna Simpson of New Jersey (least shocking detail ever) earned her own Guinness World Record back in 2007, when she became the heaviest woman to ever give birth. Now, though, after her fiancé dumped her, Simpson has come to a devastating crossroads – either lose weight or die.

“This life-changing move made me realise something important. The health and welfare of my family was always my priority and they were well taken care of by my ex.

“Now that I have sole responsibility of taking care of my children, I must drastically change my lifestyle.”

But she added: “That is, unless I meet someone who wants me to be heavier. But I need to lose enough weight so I can do things for myself, like get out of showers.” (Via The Sun)

Hear that, single guys? Sure, she needs to lose weight to stay alive, but if you want her not to lose weight – and, you know, die – then she’s all yours. This may even be a good opportunity to start my new fat people dating site, Thatch.com.

Witness true love and a terrible stereotype after the jump, and for the much braver among us, you can check out what is sure to be Simpson’s dating profile picture.

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Arizona’s Susanne Eman is already a world record holder. She’s the fattest woman in the world. Currently, the 32-year old mother of two weighs in at 728 pounds, which is roughly twice the size of the Miami Dolphins’ offensive line. But she aspires to be so much more than the woman that she currently is, which is so rare and beautiful in this era. Instead of settling for the wavy curves that she’s already created, Eman wants to be the entire damn ocean. Her goal? To weigh 1,600 pounds.

That’s it? Why not just go for a ton if you’re that hellbent on dying by 35? As for how and why she’s doing it, of course The Sun has the answer.

Amazingly, her shape is a TURN-ON for some men and she models for super-size websites. Susanne, 32, said: “The bigger I get, the better I feel. I feel confident and sexy.

“Two years ago I hit 35st and noticed I had actually started attracting more men. It made me feel good. My goal is to be 57st by the end of the year. I should be 115st by age 41 or 42. “Why not see how fat I can get? I want to break the stigma that being fat is a bad thing.”

Susanne, from Casa Grande, Arizona, US, spends EIGHT HOURS filling six trolleys with food during her monthly supermarket shop.

The only redeeming quality that I can take away from this is that I really miss “Supermarket Sweep.” Otherwise, this is about the most depressing thing I’ve ever had the eerie pleasure of writing about, and I can only imagine how the starving children in Somalia would feel if they read this. Well, if they could read this. Hey, I can only solve one world problem at a time, folks.

After the jump, get to know Susanne Eman and her joy for calories with a gallery of glutton.

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