We're gonna need more Kate Uptons STAT!

Over the past few weeks, we’ve been introduced to Donna Simpson, the World’s Fattest Mom who is being forced to lose weight or she will die, and Susanne Eman, the “World’s Fattest Woman” who wants to be fatter. Well I’ve got some great news for both of them – Lean Pockets are 2 for $4 at Publix this week and Eman now has a reason to get fatter. It turns out that she’s not the fattest woman on Earth, as the Guinness Book of World Records has bestowed that honor upon 47-year old Pauline Potter of Sacramento, CA. It gets better – Potter will be featured in the 2012 edition’s section on “Extreme Beauty.”

*air guitars, kick flips into pool filled with mayonnaise*

So what does the new Queen of Un-Lean Cuisine have to say for herself?

“Everything people take for granted—those are the things I dream of,” Potter told People of not being able to live the life she wanted. “I’m not living. I want more.” (Via Third Age)

While I’m no nutritionist, I think the easy first step is to remove the pudding IV. But apparently Potter, who blames her weight on being a “compulsive eater” so she might as well also claim to be a sex addict with ADD living in fear of Lord Xenu*, wants to be a one-and-done record holder and use this notoriety to get some help. Free help, of course.

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Kate Upton's presence required as a visual Band-Aid.

Two weeks ago, I brought you the incredibly brave story of Susanne Eman, an Arizona woman who is not only a Guinness World Record holder, but is also aspiring to be so much better at what she is famous for. Her claim to fame, of course, is that she is the fattest woman in the world and she is trying to become heavier. Sadly, one of her biggest peers is being forced to do the opposite.

Donna Simpson of New Jersey (least shocking detail ever) earned her own Guinness World Record back in 2007, when she became the heaviest woman to ever give birth. Now, though, after her fiancé dumped her, Simpson has come to a devastating crossroads – either lose weight or die.

“This life-changing move made me realise something important. The health and welfare of my family was always my priority and they were well taken care of by my ex.

“Now that I have sole responsibility of taking care of my children, I must drastically change my lifestyle.”

But she added: “That is, unless I meet someone who wants me to be heavier. But I need to lose enough weight so I can do things for myself, like get out of showers.” (Via The Sun)

Hear that, single guys? Sure, she needs to lose weight to stay alive, but if you want her not to lose weight – and, you know, die – then she’s all yours. This may even be a good opportunity to start my new fat people dating site, Thatch.com.

Witness true love and a terrible stereotype after the jump, and for the much braver among us, you can check out what is sure to be Simpson’s dating profile picture.

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