Texas Rangers Defeat Truman

11.04.11 Written by Brandon

texas-rangers-world champs-tattoo

By way of our friends at Big League Stew comes a fantastic idea — getting a “World Champs 2011″ tattoo on your chest when your favorite baseball team has just blown two one-strike-and-we’re-out opportunities in Game 6 of the World Series. Everything’s bigger in Texas, they say, including the embarrassing life choices.

A brief explanation (not really) from the BLS tipster:

My friend had this done before Game 7. Maybe you can show the world how big of an idiot he is, or just a die hard fan.

Their report wonders aloud whether or not the guy originally got his Dallas Mavericks championship when the Mavs went up 2-0 in 2006 and whether or not the “world champs” tag is applicable to a team that just won North America’s baseball championship, but after looking at this guy’s quarter-chest and seeing it plastered with corporate logos and designs you’d see on inspirational ribbons at the Dollar Tree, yeah, I’m gonna go with “idiot”. Or maybe he’s the local sports fan equivalent of the guy from Memento and gets sh*t like this tattooed on himself so he can remember it in the morning. He should carry around a Polaroid of Ron Washington with “don’t believe his lies” scribbled at the bottom.

My favorite sports team having a racist logo and my favorite pro wrestler murdering his family has taught me well of the dangers of sports tattooing. If you really want to show your support with an impulse buy, Academy Sports has a huge rack of TEXAS RANGERS WORLD SERIES 2011 shirts on clearance right now, and they come with the added bonus of being able to take them off.

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Tony LaRussa Is Riding Into The Sunset

10.31.11 Written by Burnsy

On Friday, the St. Louis Cardinals finished one of the most improbable World Series champion runs in Major League Baseball history as they defeated the Texas Rangers 6-2 in Game 7 in front of a record crowd at Busch Stadium. And less than 24 hours after the team’s victory parade, manager Tony LaRussa has announced that he will retire.

“Tony leaves behind a legacy of success that will always be rememered as one of the most successful eras in Cardinals history,” chairman Bill DeWitt Jr. said at the announcement. “I knew this day would come. I just hoped that it wouldn’t.”

(Via the St. Louis Post-Dispatch)

A friend emailed me this morning to ask if I knew what the Cardinals’ press conference was going to be about, and I, like most, assumed it was to announce that the team had picked up Yadier Molina’s option, even though that would be silly to announce when it’s plain as day. This makes a lot more sense, despite the fact that I’m in total “Aw, schucks” mode right now.

LaRussa was the definition of polarizing – Cardinals fans loved him and opposing fans hated him. But Cardinals fans also loved to hate him, and I think he loved making everyone want to rip their hair out in frustration. He retires with the third most wins as a manager in MLB history, and if he had stayed another season he would have undoubtedly passed John McGraw for second. Instead, he’ll settle for his three World Series rings and knowing that he gets the last laugh.

Read the rest of this entry »

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The St. Louis Cardinals Are The Champions

10.29.11 Written by Burnsy

The St. Louis Cardinals defeated the Texas Rangers 6-2 in Game 7 of the World Series. Third baseman David Freese was named the World Series MVP after a first inning 2-run double ensured that he had the MLB postseason record for the most RBI. Albert Pujols celebrated by swallowing a live chicken whole.

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One Of These Guys Sounds Excited About Seeing You Tonight

10.28.11 Written by Brandon

jack-buck-joe-buckGame 7 of the World Series goes down tonight, and I think I’d be a bad sports blogger if I didn’t tell you to put aside whatever reservations you have about watching boring-old baseball and watch it. Don’t watch an all new episode of ‘Chuck’, don’t watch any of the season’s 14 new shows about how fairy tales are happening in real life, don’t watch Smackdown. Watch baseball. These two teams have played a hell of a series, and no matter what goes down tonight they deserve your attention. Watch it with your son, and use Joe Buck as an example of how you’re good at your job, so no matter what your child wants to do with his life, he can always do your job, only way worse. Fathers and sons, and all of that.

If you aren’t convinced, check out Burnsy’s illustrated recap of the crazy genius of game 6. Personally, I’m rooting for the Rangers. Sure, I live in Texas, but I want them to win so I can drive three hours north and take a bunch of pictures of drunk people carousing for my website. Also, there might be riots in St. Louis if the Cardinals win, but we’d be fine, as Arlington is barely a city to begin with. What’re they going to do, f**k up the Six Flags?

Have a safe, happy and hopefully fire-free weekend, everybody.

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Amateur Rapper Accidentally Equates World Series Victory To Ejaculation

10.25.11 Written by Brandon

According to this video, everything rapper T-Will Da Deal do “Saint Lou”, including:

  • Walking
  • Talking
  • Owning clothing
  • Posting homemade World Series anthems to YouTube
  • Calling your homemade World Series YouTube anthems “films”
  • Featuring a plush “rally squirrel” on the track who does that annoying “unh! unh! Yeah! We goin’ all the way!” thing people do before rap songs, except in a sped-up chipmunk voice
  • Having said squirrel announce that he’s “just trying to get a nut”, because get it
  • Giving a shout-out to his “haters”, because irrational hatred is the only reason to not like a squirrel-centric baseball rap song where somebody rhymes “mayor” with “McGwire” by saying neither of them properly

The tags on the video are even better, and include “BET”, “KANYE”, “JAY-Z”, “DEF” and “JAM”, “JIVE”, “RAMS” and both “FRED” and “BIRD”. I’m not sure if he’s trying to get on television, get a record contract, get into the NFL or just meet Fred Bird, but his video production and the fat that he’s rapping to actual music puts him ahead of any efforts we’ve seen from Texas Rangers fans. I’m not sure if he got the “I’m just trying to get a nut” thing from a Wal-mart t-shirt or from another rapper (where he appears to have picked up everything else), but the knowledge that a Cards victory would cause Lance Berkman to “get a nut” makes me really want to root for Texas.

“Dave Seville-style Rally Anthems” are the next logical step in St. Lou’s Rally Squirrel phenomenon, following shaped chocolate and inspirational taxidermy, and I hope the trend lasts long enough for Tony La Russa to try and bring in four different rally squirrels in an inning.

[h/t Outside the Boxscore]

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Crack Head: Just A Phrase She Uses

10.24.11 Written by Brandon

la_russas_daughter_deletes_ron_washington_crack_head_tweet

That tweet, from Tony La Russa’s daughter Devon (and courtesy of Big League Stew), is in response to a quickly-deleted Sunday night tweet that read:

I saw a crack head doing “The Wash” today. Coincidence? I think not…

I’m hoping “coincidence, I think not” is the phrase she’s apologizing for, or else she just called recovering cocaine addict and Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington a crackhead. But don’t worry, it’s just a phrase she uses! A phrase to describe people who do crack. Hopefully not to describe black people who do crack specifically.

As the guy who writes The Dugout, a comic where Ron Washington’s only appearances are drug-joke related and we once had Dmitri Young use someone’s skull as a bong, I can only cast so many stones. I will, however, point out that my RON WASHINGTON IS A CRACKHEAD commentary is presented in a fake AIM chatroom with pun screen names and tacos that can speak on a sports comedy blog, and Devon’s is not. I’ll also point out that if you’re just messing around, quickly deleting the comment so nobody can see you’ve made it is a good indicator that you quickly realized you were being dumb, and “it was dumb, sorry” would go a lot farther than “crack head is a phrase I’ve coined”.

I urge everyone who discusses this matter to avoid the phrase “freedom of speech” at all costs.

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