Real Talk: I’ve been getting really tired of all of these stupid “online petitions” to the White House for Barack Obama to do this or that in regard to something incredibly meaningless, like forcing Jerry Jones to sell the Dallas Cowboys or “pardoning” the Ohio State Buckeyes for Jim Tressel’s cheating ways or saving dying kids in Kapoopystan. Well I’m sorry to be the jerk, people, but God intended for people to get sick and the Buckeyes to be punished. However, if an online petition would work in making it so that Caddyshack 2 never existed, then I’d allow for this lame trend to continue. Thanks, I just wanted to get that off my chest.

Speaking of ridiculous trick golf clubs – segue of the year? – Texas club pro Michael Furrh, whose name is so much fun to say out loud, recently broke the world record for the longest golf club. The standing record had been set by Karsten Maas in 2009 with a 13’5’’ driver, but Furrh topped that with 14-feet even. So why would he do that? Who the hell knows, but he was able to drive a ball 146 yards with his PVC pipe with a club head, and that makes me feel like absolute crap with my horrible slice and lack of focus.

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When the people at the Guinness Book of World Records released the 57th edition of the most important book to women with facial hair and men with webbed toes back in September, one man was quite pleased to open the book and see his picture next to the title, “World’s Largest Arms”. That man is Milford, Massachusetts’ own Moustafa Ismail, whose upper arms measure an insane 31-inches around, as Brandon wrote about in September. In fact, his arms are so big that people have taken to call him the Egyptian Popeye. You know, that is if he doesn’t mind.

Alas, all is not well in this Egyptian’s land, because people apparently look at a guy whose arms are the size of a place kicker’s waist and say, “Gee, I think that guy used steroids.” And these accusations weren’t just coming from random people. These were message board commenters that were calling Ismail out for alleged indiscretions, and because people on the Internet are experts at everything, Guinness has stripped Ismail of his title for the time being.

Open your heart to us, Moustafa. Open as wide as your cartoonish arms.

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We’ve made no secret in the past that us gentleman at With Leather are huge supporters of women who believe that pole dancing is a sport. There are thousands, if not tens of thousands, of women across the world who currently compete for state, regional, national and international championships in pole dancing, and I think that’s fantastic, because it totally validates all those times that I’ve gone to “competitive pole dancing” clubs for “research”. And now, I’m proud to “report” that pole dancing is making the lives of many children better as well.

Fifty-one students at Newcastle University, in an effort by the school’s pole dancing club, broke the Guinness World Record for consecutive hours of pole dancing earlier this month, after they exhibited their athletic skills for an amazing 30 hours, raising $1,500 for charity in the process. And while that may not sound like a lot of money for their efforts, perhaps next year they’ll provide an ATM for the people in attendance.

So is that easy, ladies? You know, pole dancing for 30 hours?

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According to the Sword Swallowers Association – which I swear is safe for work – Ian Brown is a relative newcomer to the world of sticking dangerous blades into one’s esophagus, but that doesn’t mean that he’s not trying to figuratively carve his niche. Brown only recently decided that he wanted to partially ingest weaponry, yet he already holds the United Kingdom’s record for Most Curved Swords Swallowed at Once with a whopping two. And now, as if to tell the world that he is the king of curved swords, Brown has laid claim to the world record for longest sword swallow, as he held two blades in his throat for 13 seconds. Eat your heart out, Sasha Grey.

The attempt actually broke Brown’s previous record of 8 seconds, and while you’d think that a guy would get all Little Junior Brown for having that much metal in his mouth for that long, this Brown says it ain’t no thang but a METAL POINT TOUCHING HIS DIGESTIVE TRACK.

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Maniac.

On July 27, 2009, a world record was set that most people thought would never be broken. But as we’ve seen over the past several years through my unabashed love of bizarre global competition, no record is safe as long as one person has the ambition and drive to be better. In this case, it was an athlete fittingly known as Diesel who set the record in question, and that record was, of course, the longest jump ever by a guinea pig. Eat your hearts out, Summer Olympians.

But earlier this year, according to perennial Pulitzer contender Guinea Pig Today, a 13-year old Scottish girl named Chloe said, “ACH! NO!” and other various unintelligible things, I presume, and she set out to break the world record with either her sister’s guinea pig, Nibbles, or her own boar, Truffles. Turns out, Nibbles was worthless, like the Ozzie Canseco of rodents. But Truffles? That f*cking guinea pig was special from the start. So special, in fact, that on March 15, Truffles CRUSHED Diesel’s record of 20.5 cm by more than 9 cm.

So does a world record holder just sit on its furry ass and wait for some other sock filled with tennis balls to come along and break its record? Apparently, yes. Because a guinea pig from Peru (dressed as a pirate, perhaps?) broke Truffles’ record shortly after. Chloe and Truffles finally nutted up and retook the world record in recent weeks by leaping more than 48 cm. And now, because you need to, you can watch the record breaking jump.

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We apologize for that headline. The person who wrote it has been sacked.

Last year, 16-year-old Texas cheerleader Miranda Ferguson did 20 back-handsprings. No big d. She thought she could do more, so she focused up, and this year broke the world record with a senses-(and wrist)-shattering 35 consecutive handsprings. It all went down on Friday night with Guinness Book of World Records representatives on hand to make it official, and with a learned sports blogger’s perspective, I can say objectively that she did a f**king shitload of handsprings.

According to Miranda, it was not her incredible athleticism, coordination or 45-pound frame that helped her pull off the record, it was THE FANS. Without THE FANS, she never could’ve done it. You watch too much MTV Movie Awards, Miranda, you did that by yourself and no amount of people cheering me on could will me into ONE successful handspring, let alone 35 in a row.

Video is below.

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