FINALLY, the official instrument of the 2014 World Cup in Brazil has been announced, and I can finally stop worrying about how I was gonna watch soccer without incessantly playing a stupid f**king noisy trinket. Meet CAXIROLA, designed by “Academy Award nominated musician Carlinhos Brown,” because you absolutely need an Academy Award nominated musician to design “a rattle with finger holes instead of a stick.” Mother of God. Enjoy listening to this thing, soccer jerks. (h/t to Reddit)

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Links

Enjoy This Lovely Collection Of Jennifer Lawrence Photos From Her Modeling Days |UPROXX|

Danny Pudi Got A ‘Community’ Fan Laid By Autographing A Starbucks Cup |Warming Glow|

James Franco Dicknosed His Own Birthday Cake |Film Drunk|

Philadelphia Is Hosting A Masturbate-A-Thon For National Masturbation Month |With Leather|

Scientifically Accurate Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Are Hilariously Disturbing |Gamma Squad|

Waka Flocka Thinks Gucci’s Hate Comes from “Jealousy” and “Envy” |Smoking Section|

LOLNFL: Draft Weekend 2013 |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Splish-Splash Blood Bath: Goulet vs Hieron |LegKickTKO|

The Mandible Claw Podcast, Episode 8: We Go On TV, and Sing Sing Sing |The Mandible Claw|

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Ronaldo likey what he sees.

One of my 2013 New Year’s sports resolutions that I forgot to write about was more soccer coverage this year, because people seem to like soccer despite that whole not-using-your-hands thing. But hey, people also love women’s basketball, so what the hell do I know? Anyway, there’s a lot of buzz around the 2014 World Cup already, from Brazil actively promoting its diversity to American cities like Seattle and Denver trying to host qualifiers.

None of that matters, though, because it’s really boring and we’ve already been spoiled rotten by Brazil with the Miss Bum Bum Brasil Pageant and its incredibly sexy scandals, so it’s going to take a lot from those festive party animals to really grab our attention, and that was quick – Brazil’s prostitutes are learning English to prepare for the World Cup.

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It’s just some fat girl walking in a swimsuit. I talk about basketball in a moment.

Sports

Dwight Howard Strongly Considering Playing Overseas - I wish I was famous enough to have this be a headline about me. “Brandon Stroud Thinking About Swimming In Mediterranean, Probably Won’t”. That would be so awesome. [Smoking Section]

Kenny Florian and JZ Cavalcante Want to Kick Each Others Stupid Nuts - I write a lot about pro wrestling so I can’t make a lot of gay jokes about something obviously not gay (nor should I make gay jokes about gay things, but work with me here). However, it would be nice if MMA guys were at least aware of how super gay they are when they say they want each others’ nuts. [Cage Potato]

The World Cup Truffle Shuffle Kid is My New Hero - Sometimes a sports story is so important it gets covered on the movie section of our network. This fat kid lifting up his shirt at the World Cup is one of those moments. [Film Drunk]

Al Michaels is a Man For All Seasons, So Long As There Are Four - I miss those days of childhood innocence where all the sports announcers seemed like cool guys who loved sports. I thought Craig Kilborn was so funny. Sigh. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

With Leather

The Best and Worst of WWE Money in the Bank 2011 - Before you read today’s Best and Worst of Raw, go back and read the more-or-less “Best and Best” recap of one of the best pay-per-views ever. If you don’t watch wrestling, this is a great place to start. That girl on the left is in it, and boy, is she just as awesome as she looks. [With Leather]

Kate Upton is a Chubbish Ball of Attainable Fat Lady - Okay, sorry for that hoggish monster in the intro video. We won’t be covering her again. Go here to see the last time we did, and suffer through 50 pictures of her before reading comments from cool guys with hot, skinny girlfriends who just don’t think she’s “all that”. [With Leather]

2011 Women’s World Cup in Pictures - And then, enjoy girls who are extremely fit! And one awesome kid who is not. [With Leather]

Punte Interviews Matt Cassel - My dumb wrestling recaps get a bunch of traffic that should go to stuff like this, where Josh talks to actual sports celebrities about things that matter. Like, uh, their abdominal muscles. Well, read it anyway. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Owling is the New Planking - The best thing about these dumb photo memes is that the people who do them have the attention span of a rake, so they stop doing them about two weeks in. I’m sure in two weeks owling will be out of style and Gilbert Arenas will be doing handstands and tweeting about how awesome they are. Do it, it’s called HANDING! [UPROXX]

At Long Last, The New Rebecca Black Single Has Arrived - And it’s about how famous she is! What’s with all these songs about people telling singers they’re never going to make it? Who does that? I’ve never gone to a concert and walked up to the musicians and said “man, you guys are just never going to sell a lot of albums”. [Uproxx]

TV’s 20 Most Punchable Faces - I’m still sad that any number of Parks and Recreation secondary characters I suggested didn’t make the list. Come on, Marcia Langman! She’s like Marcia Gay Harden in “Office” form! [Warming Glow]

Doritos Says Women Prefer Gaming to Sex - Why are we asking Doritos things? They’ve been trying to tell us “Cool Ranch” is a legitimate flavor for something to have for over 20 years. [Gamma Squad]

Have you ever been to a baseball game and seen your favorite player warming up a few feet in front of you, but when you call out his name or try to ask him for an autograph he waves at you and moves or just ignores you completely? It’s not because he’s a dick, it’s because in today’s sports media world literally any interaction between an athlete and another human being will be reported, analyzed, misinterpreted and manipulated to suit the needs of a writer.

Such is the case of Josefine Öqvist, a Swedish soccer player who traded her jersey for a fan’s t-shirt following Sweden’s 1-0 victory over North Korea in group play of the Women’s World Cup on Saturday. I haven’t read anything explaining why she did it; she was probably just being cool and affable, because hey, she’d just won a World Cup game. 35 years ago they would’ve turned it into a Coke commercial. But today isn’t 35 years ago, it’s 35 minutes ago, so German News reported the incident and put a gigantic black bar across her torso to “censor” it.

So either the German news wanted us to think she’d been playing a World Cup soccer game without a bra and decided to flash everyone in the crowd, or the image of a woman in a sports bra was so potentially damaging to German children that it had to be halted. The best part of the video (besides NEIN! across her chest) is the higest rated YouTube comment, which reads like it was written by Kyle Farnsworth:

What the f**k in the world is that f**ken black box doing there she was f**ken dressed
jnmexico1997 19 hours ago

The uncensored version is now available, which you can watch after the cut.

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It’s important and interesting that two ridiculously oil-rich countries (Russia and Qatar) get awarded the World Cup and then it emerges that the FIFA judges who dole out such cherries are corrupt as f**k. Also interesting is the fact that the guy pissing all over the integrity of the world’s most popular sport is named “Blatter.” Because these are important things we need to cover, here is a video of former Bulgarian national team player Daniel Borimirov, a guy who played in the World Cup, starting a fight with a bunch of parents at a youth soccer game.

Highlights of the video include the kid throwing a paper cup at an adult for no reason near the end, the gym-class-quality Muay Thai kicks that get thrown whenever soccer people fight, and the invariable truth that a guy walking up to a group of local sports parents dressed like that is going to start a fight. If I was a European soccer player, I’d only dress in skinny jeans, sunglasses, and those rhinestone Afflicition-type shirts that look like they come from Dress Barn.

As someone who is just getting into soccer (go FC Dallas!) and has spent a month now writing about how insane it always is, I appreciate having something like this to find every week. What happenes next week? FIFA sells the World Cup to North Korea? Some guy from the Houston Dynamo stabs a referee with a flaming dagger, maybe in front of somebody’s field trip?

[h/t Off the Bench]

We were certainly quick to call the decision to host the 2022 World Cup in Qatar corrupt and ridiculous bullsh*t, but it turns out that the country’s deep-pocketed leaders may be on track to producing the most fan-friendly event in the history of the sport. While I’m not sure that you can beat people being bludgeoned with vuvuzelas for excitement, Qatar University scientists claim that in addition to featuring ice cold air conditioning in the stadium, they have also invented synthetic clouds that can cover the area and keep temperatures cool.

That’s right – they’ve invented a weather controlling device.

Saud Abdul Ghani, head of the Mechanical and Industrial Engineering at Qatar University, said: “Artificial cloud will move by remote control, made of 100% light carbonic materials, fuelled by four solar-powered engines and it will fly high to protect direct and indirect sun rays to control temperatures at the open playgrounds.” (Via ESPN Soccernet)

Ghani added: “MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

World Cup officials were initially concerned that Qatar’s summer season would be unbearably hot for visiting fans, and there have even been discussions of scheduling the World Cup in the winter instead of the summer. But then I imagine that Qatar’s president fanned them with a few stacks of money and said, “See? It’s not hot here, it’s perfect!”