By way of Sportress Of Blogitude comes this hilarious/cautionary clip of a young boy asked to participate in Hot Chelle Rae’s 2012 Pro Bowl performance, trying desperately to heed the Myth of Icarus and not fly too close to the musical sun.
Watch closely and see if you can blame him for doing what any of us would’ve done:
Watch the Worst Church Singer of All Time - Basically the opposite of the Wharvey Girls from O Brother Where Art Thou. Also, basically the opposite of someone who will ever have sex. [The FW]
Photoshop Challenge: Liam Neeson Versus… - I will not be even 1% surprised if this leads to Liam Neeson Vs. Predator in real life. Liam Neeson should try battling his performance in Phantom Menace. [UPROXX]
STen Pointless, Expensive On-Screen Props I Need to Own - BRING ME THE HEAD OF BABY SINCLAIR. [Warming Glow]
Cross Your Fingers: Dave Chappelle & Chris Rock Could Tour Together - Just like Watch The Throne, only Kanye and Jay-Z are still relevant. Yeah, sorry, no amount of being the black friend from Grown Ups is going to make me like you again, Chris. [Smoking Section]
“Total Recall” Remake Not Very, Uh, “Total Recall”-esque - Destiny is going to be disappointed. Total Recall is one of her favorite movies. In fact, like four of her five favorite movies involve Arnold. My girlfriend is weird. [Gamma Squad]
‘I Want You to Make My Mouth Pregnant’ leads AVN ‘Clever Title Award’ - Porn guys sure do have a weird idea of what constitutes “clever”. They should give Allie Sin a Newbery medal. [Film Drunk]
Stephen Colbert’s Interview With Maurice Sendak Was Outrageously Funny - Almost as cool as the time E.B. White and Bill Watterson went on Bill Maher and yelled at each other about religion. That didn’t happen, but oh man. [UPROXX]
Top 10 Pictures Of Vladimir Putin Beating Up Little Kids - Sometimes I feel like we should just start a blog about Russia. Somehow they were less crazy as evil Soviets. [Buzzfeed]
Stick Figure Decals For Your Unfortunate Lifestyle - The “my student could beat up your a-student!” bumpster stickers for a new generation. [Adult Swim]
Gina Carano explains why sex Is like cage fighting. If this doesn’t make you a fan, nothing will - And if you aren’t already a fan, you’re one of those Cage Potato commenters who hate everything. [FARK]
Single Men Vs. Single Women In NYC - As someone swimming in beautiful alty girls in Austin, Texas, this graphic is important and useful to me. [High Definite]
Photoshop Challenge: Come At Bane, Bro - That pose still makes me think people should be photoshopping him into Moonwalker. I really don’t want Zoidberg-face Bane to be the Venom of the Batman movie franchise. [UPROXX]
Louis C.K.’s Advice To Young People - The world would be a lot better if we listened to him more, and listened less to Jim Gaffigan. [UPROXX]
7 New and Returning January Shows You Should Seek Out and 7 You Should Avoid - Avoid: basically everything debuting in January. Seek out: Venture Bros. DVDs. [Warming Glow]
5 Reasons You Shouldn’t Buy a PS Vita - #6. Portable gaming is for babies and yeah, Patapon is pretty awesome when you’re in line at Walgreens but so is talking to strangers. [Gamma Squad]
Meet The New GamePad Controller For iOS Devices - Like I said. If you’re gonna use a controller bigger than the screen, you should probably just be playing at home. Or at an arcade, if one still exists near you. This doesn’t make Angry Birds any more fun to play on the toilet. [Smoking Section]
Man Misses Mouse And Shoots Roommate, Revealing Child Rapist - I love that Vince got the best story of the year out of the way early. I feel like “making a girl hide in a closet for any reason other than hide-and-seek or hilarious stakeouts” should be Instant Death Penalty. [Film Drunk]
Who Gets To Continue To Be Awful At Their Job And Who Does Not? - Anything with a Flintstones header gets love from me. If I had it my way, With Leather would be a Flintstones fan site and I’d be doing slideshows about The Twitch. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
20 People Who Don’t Know What A New Year’s Resolution Is - My new year’s revolution: 360 degrees. [Buzzfeed]
12 New Year’s Resolutions for 2012 Moviegoers - Mine are “see more movies at Alamo Drafthouse, where people get kicked in the ass for texting” and “make somebody release a Criterion Collection edition of City Lights“. [Moviefone]
5 Actors Who Got Their Start on ‘Punk’d’ - I like knowing that Whitney used to look like even more of a plastic surgery monster. They should make an “actors who got their end on Punk’d” and put Brandy on it. [The FW]
Five Shows That Started Off Slow (and Have Since Hit Their Stride) - I am going to strangle the next person who tells me ‘Happy Endings’ is good. Kim Bauer making Scrubs face about Scrubs-level jokes is not my idea of a good show. [Unreality]
Hero: Jessica Alba had a baby in August and looks like this in a bikini now - Welp. [FARK]
The 10 Best Movies You Didn’t See in 2011 - I never got around to seeing Thor, does that count? [Pajiba]
“The coach decided to put on a kid’s helmet, and so I was picked. It was me and two other kids were picked by the head coach. So, we had to go out there and try to tackle him,” said Alex Androsuk. “The coach has seen the video and said I was faking my injury.”
The injury Androsuk is faking happened when a grown-ass man in a middle school football helmet ran into a 13-year old as hard as he could and broke his collarbone. There’s a lot of laughing in the video, and in a better world this would happen at the end of a montage where the down-on-his-luck coach has finally learned to love his ragamuffin squad of ne’er-do-well tweens and they’re all rolling around on in the grass hugging because sports are great. In a worse world — the one we actually live in — there’s a cracking noise that should have it’s own comic book onomatopoeia and a kid who had to get emasculated before he went home and told his parents what happened. Parents don’t react well to this. They react like you’d think they might.
I feel like things wouldn’t be so bad if the stupid sports thing of “get up, you’re faking/milking it/[genderphobic slur]” had been replaced with something really easy to say, like, “I didn’t mean to do that” or “I’m sorry”, or even “hey everyone help me get this kid with a f**ked-up bone to the hospital because I made a bad decision”. Mistakes happen, right? You rough-house and sh*t happens. Then, somewhere shortly thereafter, decency comes into play. If that doesn’t work, this happens.
He’s now thinking about contacting a lawyer to look into this.
The way it’s phrased, it sounds like an upset parent wanting a middle school football coach to show ass. Here’s a quicker solution: from now on, everybody uses their brains.
Somewhere between a 1,100-yard, 11-scores season and a cursed Madden cover, Cleveland Browns running back Peyton Hillis turned into Steve Urkel and started f**king up everything about his life and the lives of those around him. As Shutdown Corner helpfully explains, he’s rushed for fewer yards this season (211) than Cowboys rookie DeMarco Muray did a single game (253) and has missed more games (three) than he’s been in and scored (two).
If that wasn’t bad enough, The Cleveland Plain Dealer is now reporting that Hillis’ brother and agent confirmed he’d attend an event hosted by the Cleveland Boys and Girls Club for the benefit of 50 children who had to be bussed around from everywhere to meet him … then never showed up.
Former Browns center LeCharles Bentley explains, via Twitter:
I’m guessing #ManPlease is the diplomatic, semi-professional equivalent to #areyouseriousbro. When a guy with both “Le” and “Bentley” in his name is condescending on you for being hoity-toity, something’s wrong.
And if we’ve learned nothing else from Cleveland-area sports public relations disasters it’s that no-showing a Halloween charity party for underprivileged children is one thing, but not swiftly explaining why you did it so people don’t think you’re an irreparable IR creep (Hillis’ people aren’t talking and Bentley won’t expound) is another. Another thing we’ve learned from Cleveland is to always assume the worst, and to know that it never gets any better.
There’s no delicate way to phrase this. The Lingerie Football League, wherein women play 7-on-7 tackle American football wearing helmets and their underwear for male fans not satisfied with the physicality of pre-existing cheerleaders, has decided that lingerie football is empowering to women and are looking to start a version of the league for children. “Fully clothed, of course!” says the report, and the statement issued by founder and chairman (and man, and possible GEICO Caveman) Mitchell Mortaza is even less reassuring.
“Obviously the improvement of our game is directly tied into the development of the future LFL athlete. What excites us at the league is seeing the caliber of athletes improve so vastly each season, now imagine in five years when we start fielding athletes that have trained their entire life for the opportunity to play LFL Football.”
Yes. Imagine. Then, imagine how exciting it would be if they could play football without their vagina hanging out.
You can check out a report from Seattle’s King5.com after the jump, followed quickly by five things terrible about it.