Boston’s Fox 25 News has a pretty straight-forward story about someone waltzing into Fenway Park and leaving with the muppet shell that constitutes Wally The Green Monster, the Boston Red Sox mascot.

Boston police and Fenway Park security were searching for the “Wally the Green Monster” costume Friday.

Security told Boston police that someone put the costume on and walked out of the park. Wally was last seen heading toward Ipswich Street.(via Fox 25 News)

The Boston Herald, on the other hand, has gone out of their way to make the situation as much like a missing person report as possible. After reading it, I’m pretty sure Wally’s been kidnapped and is being housed in a warehouse somewhere with a gun to his head.

“It is Wally the Green Monster that has been stolen,” Officer Nicole Grant told the Herald.

A call came in for a larceny in progress at 2:22 p.m. from an address at the corner of Boylston and Dartmouth streets. The culprit was last seen in the area of Boylston and Fairfield streets, police report. Police have also checked the Common to see if Wally was taking a stroll through the park.

The Red Sox confirmed the costume is missing and police are searching the MBTA for Wally. A police helicopter has also joined the search as the hunt is on in the Hub for Wally. (via Boston Herald)

I’m not a fan of the Red Sox and I’ve never met Wally (surprising, especially if you know me), but I swear I will sit by this computer screen diligently throughout the weekend and update you with every bit of available information that surfaces about The Green Monster’s whereabouts. The mascot who shares a name with something Manny Ramirez used to pee in deserves better, dammit.

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By way of Armenia’s ‘ArmFC’ comes a clip Cage Potato calls “the classiest child abuse video of them all”, and just like CP I can’t decide if I think it’s adorable or that everyone involved should be thrown in prison, and that the prison should be set on fire.

In the video (presented after the jump, so you don’t have to watch it if the sentence “6-year old and 7-year old have a sanctioned MMA fight in an Armenian bar for the enjoyment of old men” skeevs you out too much) a 6-year old and a 7-year old have a sanctioned MMA fight in an Armenian bar for the enjoyment of old men. It can really go either way … the scaled down cage is great, the pre-fight weigh-ins are predictably cute and those FLAME GRAPHIX look pretty tight. Kids fight, and we’ve all probably been in fights way worse than this. They’re just wrestling, really, and if they punch each other how hard can it hurt? They’re seven. On the other side, that sentence in italics. If you can watch a 6-year old pretend to dig a grave and bury a child in it before punching his corpse and not feel a little weird about it … yeah, I don’t know.

Anyway, here you go. Stick around long enough to see the Baby Buster short.

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“Wow!” you’re thinking. “What a crazy clip of adults brawling at a Little League game. I should find out more. I’m sure they had a great reason to fight and weren’t just rolling around on the ground being arrested in front of children because they’re crazy assholes.”

From The Ledger-Enquirer

In a report on the dispute, police said Davidson was was playing loud music near the right field fence after Northern won the game. That’s when a woman identified as Rose King and Iram King came over and she demanded that Davidson turn down the music. Chadwick said some teams bring their music to play between innings, before the game or after the game.

Police said Davidson turned down the music, but words were exchanged about the players. Iram King started to walk toward Davidson when he said, “What do you want,” or “Why are you walking over here.”

A witness said Iram King told Davidson,”I’m here to f… you up.”

Davidson’s reply was, “Well, here I am,” before police said the men tussled.

and then Bat-Dad showed up, and

I think the most disturbing thing about this video, other than the fact that this could be my family reunion, is the weird camera work. Was this taped with that Matrix camera that spins around you? Were those crane shots? Did our shot go through the fence, and why is Orson Welles storyboarding our Little League Dad fights?

Anyway, the moral of the story as always is this: don’t be these guys.

[via Cosby Sweaters]

WA!

I’m not sure I have a favorite part of this Chinese ad for Mini Oreos. I’ve narrowed it down to three things:

1. Yao Ming needing a moment to process the fact that a child has tricked him, then mumble-laughing about it.
2. The idea that Yao could probably throw that kid in the air and eat him like a Mini Oreo.
3. The weird sexual tension at the end. I think it’s the music.

Seriously though, why are you cradling his head like that? Is Ming so tall and awkward that the only way he can hear and talk to you is by wrapping his tendrils around you and getting right in your face? His hand scooping up from the background like that makes the kid’s head look like something from Star Wars.

[video via D Wizzle's World]

This is a New Jersey Devils fan’s worst nightmare. The Kings blow out your team in an absolute display of Milhouse In Goal to win Lord Stanley’s Cup, and instead of treating it with reverence (or at least leveraging it for extra stripper time) the team captain takes it home, drops it off in his yard and lets his kids wear superhero jammies and drink Pediasure out of it. And not even drink it, they’re just playing with it.

Via Puck Daddy:

On Tuesday morning, the Cup was in [Dustin] Brown’s backyard and it was his kid’s turn to take a drink out of the bowl. No, there weren’t any alcohol beverages. Instead, Brown’s two boys, Jake and Mason, took the opportunity to do what we all did as kids: blow bubbles while drinking chocolate milk.

Good to know Dustin Brown is raising his own Hank and Dean Venture. One of them needs Aquaman pajamas.

In all seriousness, this is one of the reasons why the Stanley Cup rules and a good example of what you should do when you win it. The only problem comes from all the nasty stories the Cup’s been a part of … do you really want your kids drinking out of something that’s had so many naked lady asses in it?

Yes, that’s Real Madrid goalkeeper Iker Casillas picking his nose and wiping it on a child’s face. It’s the acting out of how Jose Canseco treated me when I tried to get his autograph when I was 7. (Via Sportress.)

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Links

A Day In The Life Of DJ Wally Sparks |Smoking Section|

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WWE Raw Open Discussion Thread 4/2/12: The Beginning Of A New, Not Entirely Dissimilar Era |With Leather|

‘Game of Thrones’ Recap: ‘The North Remembers’ |Warming Glow|

Dogs That Look Like ‘Mad Men’ Characters |Warming Glow|

Mad Men Discussion: Fat Betty Draper Francis Is FAT FAT FAT |UPROXX|

Tracy Morgan Explains Twitter |UPROXX|

On Marvin Gaye, The Pressures Of Fame And Why Sex Is Better Than Love |Smoking Section|

Probably the best Juggalo freestyle of all time |Film Drunk|

The Greatest Tire Cover In The World |With Leather|

Nic Cage Is All The Avengers (Plus TV Spots) |Gamma Squad|

Chevy Chase Calls Dan Harmon a ‘Fat Sh*t,’ Might Leave ‘Community’ |Warming Glow|

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