I’d like to preface this story by saying I’m a diehard Cleveland Indians fan. I’ve been to Yankee Stadium to watch the Tribe play, and when I went I wore my C hat and my jersey with a big red “INDIANS” across the front. When the Tribe scored, I cheered. When the Yankees scored, I booed. At no point was beer thrown on me, and at no point was I kicked in the face and knocked over multiple rows of steps.

Here’s my theory: I am not a dumb asshole. Also, I like a team that never wins.

Per the fine cats at Deadspin:

Things heat up around the 1:15 mark when alleged Red Sox fan punches someone and a regular slobber knocker ensues. Alleged Red Sox fan clearly got the worst of it as she took a boot to the face and tumbled back over the seats. Tipster Dave informs us that Alleged Red Sox fan was taking abuse most of the day and eventually had enough. This is the result.

Please enjoy that result, which lands somewhere between “tandem skydiving” and “being elbow-deep in Kate Upton” on the list of great (and somehow horrible) moments of which I’ll never be a part:

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This year’s X-Games added something called the “Moto X Enduro Women’s Division”, and on paper it sounds pretty cool. Women’s motocross could be awesome, right? Like when female skiers take off their helmets and they look like a hot, athletic Peppermint Patty with a labret piercing. Well, uh, the actual Moto X Enduro Whatever didn’t happen on paper, it happened on a big hill, and then on some rocks, and then down the side of a different hill. For some reason these women appeared to have NO F**KING CLUE what they were supposed to do and just crashed motorcycles everywhere. These are the highlights. The highlights. I don’t even know what they’re doing at some points. Why are you driving on those rocks?

Spencer Hall over at SB Nation has two workable theories, and I can’t come up with anything that sounds better.

The first is that the executives at ESPN are sexist 4chan commenters in disguise, and paid a group of retired ladies to don motorcycle helmets and bumble through this course while watching on the internet and laughing until they died. The other is that every woman here was required to get blind drunk before starting, and then do her best.

Here’s a link to the event set to Wacky Sax, in case the cold silence of humiliation wasn’t hilarious enough.

Back in April I put up a video of Real Madrid winning the Copa del Rey, then promptly dropping and running over it with a double-decker bus. That’s the sort of mishap that mishappens once in a lifetime, right? Well, it turns out Real Madrid is really into committing vehicular manslaughter on the things they love, because now they’ve dropped a woman and run over her with a golf cart.

A rundown of events (cough) via Brooks Peck at Dirty Tackle:

While the players were being transported around the [UCLA] campus, one female fan decided to bum-rush one of the moving carts. She apparently didn’t consider the science of what happens when a person runs directly into a moving golf cart, because she got run over. The cart stopped momentarily before zooming off on its merry way.

The best part is the Hit And Run, because the guy filming just sort of goes “heh” and everyone moves on with their lives. No additional information is known about the victim at this time, but I’ve got a couple of working theories:

1. The woman was trying to commit suicide in the most uptight, Caucasian way possible (via a golf cart carrying a soccer team on a California college campus).
2. The woman was simply blind and jogging in the wrong direction.
3. The woman is Kevin James, and this is one of 800 similar jokes in his next movie.

Regardless, this is the least alert soccer team of all time. I hope you guys never crash your plane in the Andes Mountains, you’ll be dead within 20 minutes.

Hi everyone, this is special guest columnist LeBron James. I play of Miami Heat. I am barely read! Here are a bunch of links about me, LeBron James, and stay tuned for a sneak peak of my new cartoon “ProStars,” where Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and Bo Jackson take a break from crime fighting to talk to each other at length about how great “King” LeBron “the King” James is. There are live action video bumpers for commercials. In one, Bo says he “knows” LeBron! LOL

I hope you like the basketball I’ve performed. Love, LeBron James. [dictated but not read]

Sports

LeBron James Spends Over $100,000 In Night Club - …complete with the receipt. This seems like an extravagant, arrogant thing to do, but it turns out the “night club” was a Six Flags and LeBron was just trying to order a burger and fries. [Urban Daily]

Anti-LeBron Billboard Erected in Chicago - As someone who spent a few years being made a “witness” by Cleveland’s obsession with colossal billboards, I appreciate Chicago’s efforts, even if it barely makes sense and looks like it was put together with the clip art and fonts available to the fat lady in Human Resources. Chicago! Beat LeBron! We have no opinion on the rest of the Heat. Love, Billboard. [Hoop Doctors]

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I know what you’re thinking – “Burnsy, will you please stop banging my girlfriend and where’s your post about UCF winning the Conference USA championship and your Knights cracking the BCS Top 25 for the first time in program history?” And the answers are no, and there’s no need to point out the obvious about the CUSA championship when everyone clearly watched it on Saturday. Besides, I’m a man of the people and I know what people around here want – girls’ high school track.

Holland Reynolds helped guide her track team to a victory in true champion style last week, as she collapsed just feet from the finish line during a 3.1-mile race. Reynolds, a junior at University High School in San Francisco, was suffering from fatigue and cramps, as well as mild hypothermia, when she couldn’t take it anymore and hit the ground. But instead of letting the event staff assist her for medical treatment, Holland crawled across the finish line, assuring her team the state championship. And if Holland hasn’t earned badass status in your book yet, she did it all for her team’s coach, who is suffering from Lou Gehrig’s disease. What a dick, that Gehrig, getting everyone sick.

Video of Holland making hypothermia her bitch after the jump…

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As professional basketball player Dwyane Wade and his endorsements would tell us, “Fall down 7 times, get up 8.” Sure, some people say that’s a Japanese proverb, but no Japanese proverb has ever orchestrated the biggest free agency coup in NBA history, so suck it, Japan! Anywho, an inspirational high school track video has been making the rounds this week, and despite the footage allegedly being six years old, I think the message is something that should be timeless to us. Also, the girl looks like Faye Reagan, so that’s kind of cool.

In the video below the jump, we see a girl named Alexis competing in the hurdles and it’s not that easy for her, or any of the other competitors for that matter, but what we witness is perseverance. And sure, some people might be inclined to laugh at someone who falls down 42 times and barely gets up a 43rd time, and even possibly invoke this classic Kids in the Hall sketch, but I implore our readers and friends to see beyond the sophomoric humor value of this video and let it change your life.

Also, check out the even better version with new music also after the jump…

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