Somebody on Twitter this morning alluded to the notion that the MLB playoffs were too good for TBS, which, as far as I know, is the only cable outlet carrying the games. And baseball should be grateful that they even have that, because ever since MLB expanded to the 8-team postseason format, playoff baseball has been a gigantic cluster…bomb. Let us count the ways.

The first round best-of-five series are a joke. Seriously, when the worst team in baseball wins 60 games a year, how much less variance does a series like that have than, say, a single game? The team with the better record in Divsion Series advances only 48 percent of the time. The first round of baseball’s season is, almost literally, a coin flip. Some people will say that such a format adds to the drama. I say it makes a ridiculously long regular season even more trivial and–when you consider baseball’s unbalanced scheduling–patently unfair.

The start times of these games make them virtually unfollowable to the casual fan. Scheduled first pitch times for yesterday’s games (all Eastern): 2:30, 6:00, and 9:00. The Phillies “drew” the 2:30 game. I guess being the defending World Series champs means that your fans can get by without watching you on TV that night.

Eight teams in the playoffs, along with the WBC, will The World Series into November this year. Big deal, it’s just another month on the calendar, right? Wrong. November is football time, and baseball better recognize. But seriously, either can it with the crammed traveling and just play baseball until Thanksgiving, or wrap that sucker up before Halloween.

The WNBA Finals, by the way, were nestled comfortably in prime time last night on ESPN2. I guess one league with an exorbitant regular season plagued with mainstream fan apathy is plenty for that network. Wait, which sport were we talking about?

Some guy at the Washington Post must have been having a slow day earlier this week and wrote up a column dealing with the Mystics, that city’s WNBA team. Hey, we know all about slow days (roll back to the last four posts and see), but Mike Wise scribbled something up about America’s favorite abuse of the giant video scoreboard, Kiss Cam, simply pointing out that the Mystics don’t do it, and then painting its omission as oppressive to the gay community. We say “gay community” now instead of just saying “the gays.” It sounds nicer.

Look, I’ve never been to a WNBA game and I don’t really care what they do in their own arena. The Washington Mystics are selling basketball, not human rights. That league has really painted itself into a corner by trying to incorporate as much Girl Power under one roof as it can. The WNBA is selling female empowerment, which could mean one thing to a 10-year-old girl that sucks at math, and could mean something completely different to the couple that’s tired of being stared at in restaurants. But that doesn’t mean that “we have a lot of kids” line works with me. Anyone speaking for the team should be able to discuss the issue without hiding behind the Bible, or someone else’s children.

But yeah, people are bent out of shape because they’re being deprived of the opportunity to watch women make out. It’s called “the internet,” people. Do I have to explain everything to you?

The WNBA took a much-needed step toward legitimacy yesterday when the Phoenix Lifelocks announced their two-game suspension of Diana Taurasi for her arrest for DUI on July 2nd. There’s nothing like an athlete heralded for their decision-making on the floor to commit a totally heinous act off it. Aw, I’m just kidding. DUIs kick ass.

In a release Thursday, the team said Taurasi was suspended “for conduct detrimental to the team.” Taurasi will miss Saturday’s game against Detroit and Wednesday’s game against Minnesota. via

How is it “detrimental” unless she’s driving the team bus? Is she going to kill someone on the road, only to have that person exclaim to throngs of media, “Well, that’s it! I’m never watching women’s basketball again!” This has totally shaken my worldview of the WNBA. It’s only a matter of time before the hordes of WNBA groupies are trying to get pregnant and sue the players for their $45,000 salaries.

News finally came out that WNBA star Candace Parker eloped in November…in Lake Tahoe. She married NBA scrub Shelden Williams, whom I’m guessing was too busy averaging 3 points a game for the Kings to give her a proper ceremony…

“We just decided that with both of our schedules, it would be better to elope,” Williams said.

The newlyweds live in Sacramento with their three dogs.

Parker and Williams had been engaged since last May, which is pretty moronic, especially since Shelden has only now disqualified himself from that ever-tempting waterfall of NBA road snatch. Seriously, even if you look like this, it’s like a perpetual flood of poo-nanny wherever these guys go. Why do you think Kareem was in the league for 20 years? For the socks?

[The Sacremento Bee (last item), via Game On]

Fans expecting a night of jumpers and bounce passes at last night's LA Sparks-Detroit Shock game were instead treated to an episode of the Bitchy & Scratchy Show, as the final five seconds exploded into a melee, ruining thousands of father-daughter bonding sessions and lesbian dates.  Well, maybe not the lesbian dates.  Superstar rookie Candace Parker — the woman who has dunked in a game twice as many times as everyone in the history of the WNBA combined — was at the center of the tempest:

Parker got tangled up with Detroit’s Plenette Pierson and fell to the ground. As she was getting up, Pierson intentionally ran into her, setting off the melee.  Parker threw a punch at Pierson before being tackled by Detroit’s Deanna Nolan. Players and coaches from both teams joined in, and Mahorn knocked Lisa Leslie to the court at one point.

Pierson, Parker, Mahorn, and DeLisha Milton-Jones (who shoved and punched Mahorn) were all ejected, at which point the two teams played the agonizingly slow final 4.5 seconds of he game.

From a spectator standpoint, I have to say: it's a pretty good scuffle.  Certainly not an all-out brawl, but definitely more serious than some dinky catfight.  I guess the WNBA finally showed they can play like their male counterparts.  "Malice at the Palace II."  Much better than the name for regular Shock games, Malaise at the Palace.

Candace Parker dunked for the Los Angeles Sparks in a 77-63 win over the Indiana Fever last night, becoming just the second person to dunk in a WNBA game since the league's inaugural season of 1997.  Teammate Lisa Leslie accomplished the feat, sort of, in 2002.

Excuse me while I'm sincere for a moment: Candace Parker is a great athlete, and while I prefer sexier women's sports like tennis, beach volleyball, and foxy boxing, I admire that the WNBA gives young women role models in sports who don't make headlines for their sex appeal.  Still, it's kind of sad that a dunk is such a huge deal.  Ordinarily I'd make some kind of joke about the drunk sorority girl bragging about peeing in a urinal, but I think the mainstream media has already been patronizing enough.