Straight from the bowels of SkyMall’s version of Hell comes Verlo Mattress Factory’s CHEESEHEAD BED, advertised as the “World’s First,” a “customized fan experience that combines a good night sleep with championship football, perfect for the die-hard fans of the Green Bay Packers”. At first, you’re probably like, “that’s cool, I’ll buy that for my 6-year old, he loves football,” but no, that bed is pretty clearly being enjoyed by the two worst adults in America.

The Cheesehead Bed (created, I’m assuming, by a guy whose “go down on me wearing the Cheesehead” fetish got boring) isn’t just a novelty item … it’s a continued novelty existence. For example, it doesn’t have a standard retail price. If the Packers win, the bed is $599. If they don’t, it’s $799. A clear message to football fans: only support your team if they’re winning.

They’ve also enlisted the help of LeRoy Butler to orchestrate a Facebook contest to see who can put the most cheese in their bedroom. These are sentences that I am typing for real.

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What’s worse than a quarterback who inspires a meme world record, is afraid to take pictures with women, can barely throw a football and responds to criticism about his NFL sadness with, “you are a great analyst, thanks for mentioning me”?

Well, not a lot, but at least he never sang his own piano arrangement of a Train song in public.

Wisconsin quarterback Joel Stave demonstrates his musical talents performing Drops of Jupiter by Train at the 2012 Buckingham Awards. The UW signal-caller was one of many student-athletes putting on an impressive show at the annual awards night.

And it’s not even my favorite sports-related Train cover! That award goes to (and will always go to) these monsters.

I’m guessing that as a 6-foot-5 quarterback with flowing locks and a college scholarship, Joel’s spent a lot of time living in The Bubble with nobody to say “you’re singing the song too fast, slow down” or “stop playing piano, you look like f**king Bo Duke”. Allow me to say those things here, but not loudly enough to dissuade him from continuing, because LOL, this guy.

[h/t to Dr. Saturday]

Picture unrelated except for awwwwwwwwwwww.

As always, I love me some world records, and we are never suffering from a shortage of ridiculous world record attempts with so many people desperate to achieve some sort of fame. Of course, it’s not always about attention-starved people. Sometimes when I’m casting a spotlight on these record attempts I tend to ignore the records that are broken for a greater cause, and that’s not cool, bro, because people who do stuff for charities or causes deserve their attention. So that was the first thing I looked for when I started looking for this week’s big world records.

But then, without any real surprise, it turned into the same old parade of “They can’t be serious” records, and they’re all always serious. Instead of talking about some guy’s cricket world record or how the 2012 Summer Olympics in London are predicted to have the most world records ever or how Jonah Chesum demolished the previous paralympics world record at the All Africa Games, we’re going to talk about what really matters – boobs.

Join us, won’t you, for this week’s greatest world records.

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As if having their football team winning the Super Bowl wasn’t enough, the 20 kids who live in Green Bay didn’t have a full day of school the day after the Packers beat the Steelers in Dallas. It’s not like those kids did anything to make the team win. I never saw fat little Billy catch a pass from Aaron Rodgers, although I bet he could drop fewer of them than Jordy Nelson.

Kids in Green Bay have yet another reason to love the Packers. Their Super Bowl victory meant school got out early today so that children and their families could line the streets for the team’s motorcade to Lambeau Field.

The celebration will get in full swing tomorrow afternoon with a Titletown celebration at Lambeau. -USA Today.

I don’t remember being able to get out of school early after the Patriots won any of their three times. This isn’t fair. I want to be able to use those three days now while I’m in college. Whenever I don’t want to go to a class, I’m going to tell my professor that he can suck it, and I’m going to go celebrate New England’s victory over St. Louis. Then, I’ll use the other two Super Bowl days later. I suggest all you fans who never got a half-day when your team won it all protest until you get your Super Bowl reparations… except for Colts fans. They’d just spend the half-day off eating, which is also what I’d do, but I don’t make it look gross when I do.

Saturday marked the opening of Wisconsin’s nine-day gun season for deer hunting, and despite serious concern from hunters over last year’s poor numbers, business is a little better this time around. Hunters killed 106,404 deer over the weekend, marking an increase of 6 percent from 2009’s piss poor body count of only 100,330 deer. Get your sh*t together, Wisconsin deer!

But the big winner of Saturday’s opening was 16-year old Corissa Wege, who bagged herself three deer, including 13-, 10- and 8-pointers. According to Wisconsin Outdoor Fun (what, you don’t subscribe?), Wege called the experience “really cool” to which her boyfriend added, “Yes… cool… very cool. I can’t wait to be faithful for the rest of my life. I LOVE YOU, HONEY!”

Hey Wisconsin, only 100,000 deer? That seems pretty weak, ya sissies…

The DNR went into the 2010 hunt under intense pressure from hunters and state lawmakers to deliver a better hunt than last year. Hunters in 2009 killed only 241,862 deer, down about 30 percent from the year before and down 54 percent from 2000.

Hunters complained loudly last winter that the DNR has grossly overestimated the size of the herd for years. (Via Wisconsin Outdoor Fun)

It’s fun to imagine a large group of hunters screaming outside of the Department of Natural Resources office that they don’t have enough animals to kill. Mainly because they should be home preparing breakfast, brunch, lunch, linner, dinner, dinsnack, snack, and second dinner for their Wisconsin wives, lest they suffer the rage. By the way, I’m no hunting expert – I’m also no opponent of killing an animal for sport, I just prefer to kill them with a fork and eat them on the spot – but it just seems like killing hundreds of thousands of deer annually and then complaining that there are fewer the next year is just a little… odd. But don’t shoot the messenger. Especially you, Corissa.

Mark Neumann served as a U.S. Congressman from Wisconsin’s first district between 1995 and 1999 and is currently running for the Republican bid for governor of the Badger State. Despite being out of politics since a losing campaign for the U.S. Senate in 1998 and the end of his congressional term in 1999, Neumann is hanging tough with a 45% to 43% lead in the Wisconsin Republican primary, and, well, blah-freaking-blah. Let’s talk about a real competition – beer stein holding.

Neumann defeated a staunch field of three competitors last night in a beer stein holding competition in Milwaukee. As if he didn’t have enough stress, what with running for governor, he now has to prepare for the national championship of beer stein holding in New York City. And this isn’t some chump amateur contest, this is only for seasoned athletes dedicated to training and perfection. I mean, have you ever seen someone from Wisconsin hold a beer and not drink it?

Don’t forget to turn the boot when the bubble comes, Associated Press:

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