Winthrop basketball players Franchesca Davenport and Jennifer Walker were kicked off the team after they were caught shoplifting from Wal-Mart.  It’s unfortunate for them, but I can understand.  I mean, Wal-Mart has lots of great stuff to steal, like guns, electronics, ammunition for guns, and, uh… hot dogs?

A man at the store told police Walker had two DVDs in her jacket pocket, Davenport had two bags of chicken in a Wal-Mart bag, and the third woman had a pack of hot dogs in her purse as all three women left the store, according to a police incident report.

A source close to the story — and I’m not making this up — says that the DVDs Walker had were Madagascar and The Secret of Life.  I’ve never heard of the latter.  If I had to take a guess, I’d assume they meant The Secret Life of Bees — that sounds like a women’s basketball player kind of movie.  Or maybe it was just The Secret.  The secret is that you can have anything you want if you just take it from Wal-Mart.

The Big South notched it's first NCAA tournament victory as #11 seed Winthrop defeated #6 seed Notre Dame yesterday.  Notre Dame senior Russell Carter expressed the frustration of the Fightin' Irish:

"My season is over. My career is over. We're done," an angry, stone-faced Russell Carter said inside the Irish locker room, where words were as hard to come by as consolation smiles.

Carter, who will graduate with a degree in public house management, will return to his native County Mayo in Ireland in June to open "Russell's Pub".  Although the Fightin' Irish made a furious charge in the second half going on a 20-3 run, the tiny Rock Hill, SC school held on for the victory.  Notre Dame fans were not very pleased with their team's performance.  "I've never even heard of Winthrop or the fucking Big South," complained William Tweed of Gary, IN.  "I usually celebrate St. Patrick's Day by wetting my whistle and singing the old songs, but I guess now I'll have to drive to South Carolina and kick somebody's ass.  I'll have to push back my St. Pat's revelry for a few days which will cut into my weekday drinking, so I guess I'll be back on the dole again by next weekend." -KD

The road to the 2007 Final Four in Atlanta must go through Rock Hill, South Carolina as Winthrop defeated VMI yesterday 84-81 to win the Big South Championship.  VMI's near upset bid was predicated on their season-long strategy of all offense, no defense.  The Lexington, Virginia military college ranked first in nearly every offensive category because they adopted the "Shock and Awe" strategy developed by their head coach Don Rumsfeld.  "When I thought this offense up, I thought for sure I was a gosh-darn genius." said Rumsfeld.  "Everybody's always talking about ball-movement, being patient, and looking for the good shot.  Pardon my French, but those coaches are pussy-footers.  Dr. Naismith, the great patriot he was, designed this game for players to take it to the frickin' rack.  I tell my players to call the lane or the key the 'fertile crescent' because, if they take the orange there, they're going to score.  And if they get stonewalled, no problem, just kick it out to the perimeter for a long three bomb.  If we use more than ten seconds on the shot clock, we've had the ball way too long – in and out, that's my philosophy."

VMI Assistant Coach Paul Wolfowitz echoed Rumsfeld's sentiments, "Other coaches spend way too much time preaching defense, when the game is about scoring.  The other team is going to shoot and make buckets, you can't stop that.  Securing your goal is like securing something intangible because it's impossible."  When asked if the system was flawed because VMI finished 14-19 this season, Wolfowitz explained, "Coach Rumsfeld's system works, if we lose it's because of execution.  I mean, God bless these kids – they're decent ballplayers and want to kill for our country, but sometimes they can't hit a barn door with a machine gun."

Rumsfeld concluded: "We may have lost the battle, but, you can bet your butt, we'll win the war.  All we have to do is win the hearts and minds of the Selection Committee, and we'll show America that my quick strike offense is the best way." -KD