What to watch for in this weekend's biggest matchups.  One team or another in ALL CAPS.

AMERICA over Those Other Countries – Because fuck those guys, right?

Meteor over RED SOX/YANKEES – Experts are saying the Earth may be obliterated by an asteroid by Labor Day. Can't we just move it up a few months?

WALL*E over Hancock – Welcome to earf, cute wordless robot. Still, you don't belong in the top 10 movies ever.

Roger Federer over RAFAEL NADAL – Because it's not on clay. And Nadal's sleeveless shirts are destroying America, even from afar.

UFC 86 over AT&T National -  Sure, they're not on at the same time, but you probably want to avoid any event in D.C. this weekend. Coddamn tourists.

That'll do it for another week. See you on Monday. Enjoy America's 232nd.

Because nightmare fuel is the only energy source whose cost is not on the rise, a couple of Brits wore faceless masks to Wimbledon to scare everyone out of their skivvies.

With the blankest of blank expressions on their faces, these mysterious figures have been popping up in the most unlikely of places.

The faceless mutants have a penchant for A-list celebrity bashes and have been spotted at Elton John's White tie ball and Harrods summer sale, opened by Sex and the City star Kim Cattrall.

With a membrane of skin stretched tightly over their eyes, noses and mouths, the alien-like figures were most recently snapped 'watching' a match perched on Murray Mount at Wimbledon.

The masks have tiny perforations that allow the wearer to see and breathe and all that essential stuff. Hopefully they're somewhat resistant to fire, because if I spot any of these things, my trusty blowtorch will not be stayed. But then I usually aim at the genitals first anyway.

A day after Maria Sharapova was upset by a little-known flinty daughter of a Greco-Roman wrestler, another gorgeous tennis star goes down at Wimbledon. And not even on me. 

Serbia's Ana Ivanovic, the no. 1 ranked player both in the world and in my pants, today was upset in straight sets by no. 131 ranked Zheng Jie, who doesn't even have the courtesy to look like Zhang Ziyi. The nerve of these unsexy tennis players!

What reason am I left to watch Wimbledon now? Crazy British reality show star showing her ass and encouraging players to dress alluringly? *Sigh* That'll do.

Ivanovic must have forgotten to give the requisite kisses to her lucky netcord like she did on Wednesday. That'll learn ya, Ana.

For your edification, I've wrapped myself in the stuff. Perhaps a little too tightly. Oh no…passing out…even before…getting arrested for stalking. 

Maria Sharapova was ousted in the second round of Wimbledon today, falling to unseeded, unknown, and un-hot Ally Kudryavtseva 6-2, 6-4.  It was Sharapova's earliest exit from a Grand Slam event since 2003, her first full season on the WTA tour.

Experts blame the loss on Sharpova's 22 unforced errors and 8 double faults, while I say it was those fugly-ass Mickey Mouse shorts and mesh tuxedo top.  Good fucking riddance.

I didn't get a chance to cover this yesterday, but Roger Federer showed up on the first day of Wimbledon wearing a Nike-made cardigan that may be the single douche-iest thing on a tennis court since he wore his white blazer with four rackets to honor his number of Wimbledon victories last year.  No, that's not right. The cardigan is way douche-ier.  Need proof?  Here ya go:

The defending champion had made his entrance wearing a 1920s-style, cream-and-gold cardie, the latest in the fashion statements that we have come to expect from him on the first day of the Wimbledon Championships (those interested in replica cardigans will be pleased to know that his clothing sponsor, Nike, are selling 230 of them, to mark Federer's 230 weeks as world No 1, priced at £260 [$511]).

Please also note that the five buttons represent his number of Wimbledon victories up to now, the gold represents being a champion, the cardigan is a nod to tennis's upper-crust English roots, and the RF patch stands for "Royal Fag."

As promised, Maria Sharapova shunned the traditional flattering tennis dress in favor of extremely ugly shorts at Wimbledon yesterday.  She paired it with a tuxedo-inspired top because, hey, Wimbledon's dressy and shit.  From the wire report:

"I'm very inspired by menswear this year," Sharapova said.

Inspired by men swear?!?  Lady, have I got the website for you!  What?  Oh.  Well, that's not nearly as fun.

"Every year at Wimbledon I want to do something classy. I've never worn shorts before at a Grand Slam and Wimbledon is the place to do it."

Well, this should resolve the falling out I had with my sister about what I wore to her wedding.  She said a tuxedo shirt with the sleeves cut off WASN'T classy.