As The All England Club prepares to host Wimbledon in July, rumors are swirling over a potential crackdown on the grunting from some of the female players, who had been the subject of complaints during last month’s French Open. From the Daily Mail (via GameOn):
[N]ew proposals to make noise hindrance part of the International Tennis Federation’s code of conduct [mean that] grunters could potentially forfeit a whole game or match.
One of the loudest offenders is Maria Sharapova, who at 101 decibels is almost as loud as a lion’s 110 decibel roar.
In last month’s French open, Aravane Rezai complained to the umpire about the noise emitting from 16-year-old player Michelle Larcher de Brito.
As the rules stand now, an umpire can award a point to a player if distracted by a grunt. Which is poppycock. I, personally, like to hear the person on the other end grunting, and as loud as possible. Only a woman would get annoyed over that sort of thing. It doesn’t help that Wimbledon is traditionally the stuffiest of the four tennis majors. Next year, these women might be forced to play in ankle skirts and heels. The heels, I could get behind…
Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal are the only two male tennis players on Earth that are worth watching, and yesterday they met in the Wimbledon final for the third consecutive year, with Nadal upsetting Federer's quest to be the first man to win six straight championships there. It was an epic five-set match that lasted nearly five hours of playing time (seven hours with the two rain delays), the longest and probably best Wimbledon final ever played.
A quick timeline of how it went down on the West Coast:
9:20 a.m. — Me, recently awake: "Oh, the Wimbledon final started at 6:00! Maybe I can catch the end! (turns on TV, rain delay, shocked to see Nadal won the first two sets.
10:00 - 1:00 — Grocery shopping, leisurely breakfast, trip to the book store, trip to the record store.
1:18 p.m. — Return home. No chance Wimbledon is STILL on. Turn on TV. Nadal is sopping wet and climbing through the crowd in celebration. The announcers agree that it's the greatest Wimbledon final ever.
Some people saw the greatest tennis match in decades. I had a tasty brunch and bought a Tom Robbins book. In your face, sports fans.
What to watch for in this weekend's biggest matchups. One team or another in ALL CAPS.
AMERICA over Those Other Countries - Because fuck those guys, right?
Meteor over RED SOX/YANKEES - Experts are saying the Earth may be obliterated by an asteroid by Labor Day. Can't we just move it up a few months?
WALL*E over Hancock - Welcome to earf, cute wordless robot. Still, you don't belong in the top 10 movies ever.
Roger Federer over RAFAEL NADAL - Because it's not on clay. And Nadal's sleeveless shirts are destroying America, even from afar.
UFC 86 over AT&T National - Sure, they're not on at the same time, but you probably want to avoid any event in D.C. this weekend. Coddamn tourists.
That'll do it for another week. See you on Monday. Enjoy America's 232nd.
Because nightmare fuel is the only energy source whose cost is not on the rise, a couple of Brits wore faceless masks to Wimbledon to scare everyone out of their skivvies.
With the blankest of blank expressions on their faces, these mysterious figures have been popping up in the most unlikely of places.
The faceless mutants have a penchant for A-list celebrity bashes and have been spotted at Elton John's White tie ball and Harrods summer sale, opened by Sex and the City star Kim Cattrall.
With a membrane of skin stretched tightly over their eyes, noses and mouths, the alien-like figures were most recently snapped 'watching' a match perched on Murray Mount at Wimbledon.
The masks have tiny perforations that allow the wearer to see and breathe and all that essential stuff. Hopefully they're somewhat resistant to fire, because if I spot any of these things, my trusty blowtorch will not be stayed. But then I usually aim at the genitals first anyway.
A day after Maria Sharapova was upset by a little-known flinty daughter of a Greco-Roman wrestler, another gorgeous tennis star goes down at Wimbledon. And not even on me.
Serbia's Ana Ivanovic, the no. 1 ranked player both in the world and in my pants, today was upset in straight sets by no. 131 ranked Zheng Jie, who doesn't even have the courtesy to look like Zhang Ziyi. The nerve of these unsexy tennis players!
What reason am I left to watch Wimbledon now? Crazy British reality show star showing her ass and encouraging players to dress alluringly? *Sigh* That'll do.
Ivanovic must have forgotten to give the requisite kisses to her lucky netcord like she did on Wednesday. That'll learn ya, Ana.
For your edification, I've wrapped myself in the stuff. Perhaps a little too tightly. Oh no…passing out…even before…getting arrested for stalking.
Maria Sharapova was ousted in the second round of Wimbledon today, falling to unseeded, unknown, and un-hot Ally Kudryavtseva 6-2, 6-4. It was Sharapova's earliest exit from a Grand Slam event since 2003, her first full season on the WTA tour.
Experts blame the loss on Sharpova's 22 unforced errors and 8 double faults, while I say it was those fugly-ass Mickey Mouse shorts and mesh tuxedo top. Good fucking riddance.
