… but more importantly, he’s got a Shawn Kemp apron. Where the hell can I buy one of those things? (via Ball Don’t Lie)

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Links

12 Steps to Making the Next Season of ‘The Office’ More Watchable |Warming Glow|

5 Albums Coming Out This Week That Don’t Suck |UPROXX|

With Leather, With Love: The World’s Fattest Woman Is Getting Married! |With Leather|

So This Happened: Captain Kirk, Spock, Scotty, And Sherlock Holmes Went To Hooters |Gamma Squad|

PICTURE: Avengers in High School – Hawkeye had a bomb-ass flat top mullet |Film Drunk|

Patrick Ewing To Join Jordan’s Charlotte Bobcats As Head Coach? |Smoking Section|

Nelly Furtado Is Back From The Dead With ‘Big Hoops (Bigger The Better)’ Video |UPROXX|

Is This What The Coming Apple HDTV Will Look Like? |UPROXX|

Real Life “Pulp Fiction”: Memphis Robbers Macabre Torture Tactics |Smoking Section|

Your Mid-Week Guide To DVD And Streaming: Shriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim! |Film Drunk|

The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 5/7/12: All Hail Our New Robot Overlord |With Leather|

Who’s Gotten Around More: The Justice League Or The Avengers? |Gamma Squad|

Chevy Chase Is Still a Relentless Insufferable D*ck |Warming Glow|

Read the rest of this entry »

I’m not sure why I’m surprised that there’s a world record for this.

Links

The Best Of Workaholics GIFs - I always wonder if the pitch for this show was “it’s just like ‘Stella’, except about drugs and their own wieners”. [UPROXX]

Romeo and Juliet: The Porno - Nothing is accomplished here that wasn’t accomplished slightly better by Troma 15 years ago. Porno needs its own narrative, dammit, stop being derivative. Shane’s World wasn’t good because it loosely adapted Much Ado About Nothing. [Film Drunk]

Saved By The Bell Stills + Kanye Lyrics = Kanye’d By The Bell - Somebody add “Been a long time since I spoke to you in a bathroom gripping you up f**kin and choking you” to a pic of the guy from Valley trying to full nelson Christy The Girl Wrestler. [UPROXX]

Hello, Heartache: The McRib Is Coming Back - You people are never gonna learn, are you. [Smoking Section]

The Batman’s Jeff Matsuda Stops By Reddit, Makes Batman Sketches By Request - In a “comic book people are awesome”-related story, I just found out that Brian Azzarello and Jill Thompson read Best and Worst Of Raw, so I’m gonna go out and buy like 50 comic books today. [Gamma Squad]

‘Breaking Bad’s’ Blue Meth Survived the Zombie Apocalypse - After finding out that ‘The X-Files’ and ‘The Wire’ happen in the same universe, anything is possible. Not to mention ‘Family Matters’ and ‘Step By Step’. [Warming Glow]

15 Unintentionally Offensive Halloween Costumes - Just to reiterate, it’s not offensive, but if you are planning to go as “dead or zombie version of recently dead celebrity”, don’t, it is not original or funny. [Buzzfeed]

Eddie Murphy on Hosting the Oscars: ‘I’m Going to be Horrendous’ - What, did you finally get around to watching your last 40 movies? [Moviefone]

Five Awful Cover Songs Made Even Worse By Tiny Lyric Changes - I’d sincerely forgotten that Hilary Duff’s cover of “My Generation” existed. Thanks, The Smoking Jacket. Thanks a lot. [The Smoking Jacket]

The 20 Highest Grossing Prequels of All Time and the Box-Office Performance of The Worst Movie Ever - You know you’ve done something right when your movie gets listed alongside The Flintstones In Viva Rock Vegas. [Pajiba]

10 Awesome Examples of Today’s Video Games into Atari Format - I would play all of these except for maybe Pokémon, because it would make my eyes explode. Atari Zelda looks rad. [Unreality]

[Drunken unicycling via Buzzfeed]

Today’s CBS Sports interview with Cam Newton features this line, a paragraph unto itself only two paragraphs down, and tells you pretty much everything you need to know.

Maybe that’s who Newton is: A kid in a man’s body.

“Maybe Cam Newton is like a smart-ish dog, but he looks like people.” Cam Newton is a robot, but not a very good one. You get the idea.

You think this thing about Newton (complete with a “Newton’s Theory” headline) is going to be ridiculous enough by itself, but oh, oh no, Cam Newton is always the most ridiculous part of a Cam Newton story. During the lockout, the Carolina Panthers organization sent Cam an Idiot’s Guide to Offense version of their playbook to help him ease into his career as an hilariously over-his-head NFL quarterback. When he got to camp he got a copy of the real playbook — the real playbook featuring a new offense, and he’s got about 40 seconds to learn it. Anyone would have trouble adjusting to that, but Cam was able to express his troubles with a wonderful comparison:

Newton’s head is spinning. Due to the lockout, the Panthers are forced to install a new offense at an accelerated pace. Newton had a playbook during the lockout to study, but he said it was a far cry from what he has now.

“That’s Dr. Seuss compared to doggone Shakespeare,” he said.

I also would’ve accepted “the playbook they sent me was Marmaduke, and this is dad-gum Doonsbury!” It makes you wonder what the book they sent him looked like. I wonder if it was just “throw football” written on a Post-It.