Back in October, the American Mustache Institute announced its list of the 19 finalists for the Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year, and now you can breathe again because a winner has been chosen. The world of sports was represented by Major League pitcher Carl Pavano, Sacramento mayor and former Phoenix Suns guard Kevin Johnson, Chicago Blackhawks coach Joel Quenneville, Major League Baseball umpire Jim Joyce, and the UTEP Miners mascot, Paydirt Pete. So which one of these spectacular sports figures won the glorious honor? None of them. Bunch of worthless jerks.

Instead, the 2010 Goulet Award was presented to firefighter Brian Sheets at a ceremony in St. Louis, Missouri, where the local women undoubtedly had to shave their mustaches to not one-up the winner. Sheets is from the beautiful and heavenly utopia of Orlando, FL, where he’s a firefighter, EMT and fire academy instructor. He received 22% of the 500,000 votes to earn the honor, while Pavano finished in third with 15%. Suck it, Pavano.

Twirl your Rollie Fingers, Asylum and tell us how the big winner feels…

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As the country unwinds from Election Day – the one day that we all truly join hands and put petty disagreements aside – Jimmy Kimmel took the opportunity Monday night to celebrate that togetherness by having 7-time world boxing champion Manny Pacquiao and actor Will Ferrell on his show to sing the John Lennon classic, “Imagine.” It was by far the most beautiful and inspirational moment that we will ever witness in our lives.

But the real reason Pacquiao stopped by Jimmy Kimmel Live was to promote his new cologne, MP7. The Filipino fighter named his new fragrance MP7 as a tribute to his 7 titles, and Kimmel joked that he might have to change the name when Pacquiao goes for an unprecedented 8th title on November 13 in Dallas. The HBO-televised contest will pit Pacquiao against the bigger Antonio Margarito for the super-welterweight title. Margarito is the tallest fighter that Pacquiao has ever taken on, and presumably the most tequila-filled, but Pacquiao’s trainer says that we should put our money on the pint-sized pugilist.

A star wipe annnnnnnnnd a quote and video after the jump…

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I fully support AshleyMadison.com

AM founder Noel Biderman sent a letter to the CEO at New Meadowlands — obtained by TMZ — declaring, “At this stage, we are prepared to make a preliminary offer … of $25,000,000 for the Naming Rights for a five-year term.”

He adds, if the stadium gets better offers, “We would be pleased to match any such superior offer.” –TMZ Sports

25 million over a five-year period is chump change compared to some of the league’s larger stadium contracts. Houston’s Reliant Stadium tops the list with a deal that banks 300 million dollars over 32 years. Obviously, because everything is bigger and crazier in Texas.

New York-New Jersey seems like as good a place as any to take the AshleyMadison.com namesake, as the two states have the country’s highest concentration of guidos. If I somehow found myself waking up next to Snookie every morning, I’d have to cheat on my wife. That, or I’d gouge out my eyes and commit harikari. Will Ferell commits harikari after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

So Semi-Pro may be a shitty movie, but let me reiterate my stance on Will Ferrell: less than five minutes of Will Ferrell? Funny. More than five? Not funny. This clearly qualifies as the former. Plus, if I ever made a beer commercial, this is how it would turn out. 

Bud Light. I recommend it before and during dates with obese women.

- Monday Morning Punter

This is the "Rated R Trailer" for Semipro, Will Ferrell's new movie. The language is NSFW, so put your fucking headphones on.

I'm convinced that for all of Ferrell's movies, they shoot the trailer first, and then they go back and add filler for the other 88 minutes. And it doesn't help that dude plays the same fucking guy in every movie. Hey, look at me! I've got a crazy haircut! Look at my facial hair! I said 'Look at me!' I'm incapable of rational thought! I'm wearing lots of brown! I've got…what is this? A script? What do we need a script for? I'll just pop about 15 ritalin here and BAM! Movie Magic! I'm sure despite his bad financial advice and always being late with the rent, and making 90-minute SNL skits and calling them feature films, that he's a really good guy. 

The least he could do is fuck somebody famous. Not that I'm bitter or anything. - Monday Morning Punter

Now I know why I haven't received any offers for those screenplays I've sent to Hollywood as it appears goofy improv films like Semi-Pro still reign supreme over scripted dialog. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that my treatments are whiskey-stained, full of typos, and always about an Irish warden at a women's prison. Anyway, here's the trailer for the new Will Ferrell basketball movie:

I'll still have to see it though, or else I won't understand anything anybody is saying around the keg. See more at Film Drunk.  -KD