Yesterday we shared with you the story of a Kontinental Hockey League defenseman who accidentally got his carotid artery slashed when he fell to the ice and someone tried to jump over his neck with blades on their feet. Today’s KHL clip (because the NHL is never coming back and we’ve got to talk about something) features a Dynamo Minsk goalie’s epic fail, and proves that KHL hockey beheadings can be figurative as well as literal.

From the YouTube description:

С вратарями случаются голы из средней зоны, но в этом эпизоде Денис Хлыстов даже не бросал по воротам

If you can’t read that, it says, “Goalie Kevin Lalande gives up a goal on a shot from the neutral zone that was barely a shot at all, and oh my God you guys, seriously, I could’ve waddled out there without skates or pads and stopped that shot”. I’m paraphrasing.

Puck Daddy has further analysis:

So, yeah … KHL goaltending. We don’t want to say it’s slightly inferior, but a quick FYI to any NHL players thinking about heading there during the lockout: Sergei Mozyakin is the League’s all-time goals leader with 109.

Personally, I’m looking forward to an entire season of wacky KHL news. I’ve already ordered my favorite team’s jersey! It’s a potato sack with the word HOCKY [sic] written across the front in blue ink pen. It represents every team.

Earlier this month, the Houston Astros committed what I consider to be the worst play in the history of professional baseball when they turned a sacrifice bunt into a Cirque du Soleil-like dance of futility. I describe it as, “the kind of thing people put into movies about bad baseball teams in the opening montage so you’ll feel happy for them when they stop squatting and farting on the field”.

Now I think they’re just doing it on purpose.

Their latest work (by way of our friends at SportsGrid) features catcher Jason Castro and pitcher Fernando “A Bad Pitcher” Abad simultaneously charging an R.A. Dickey knuckle-swing, running into each other and helplessly falling to the ground as a pitcher beat them to first and a run scored from second.

There’s no way this can be real. Houston decided to amp up the helplessness a la the Washington Generals so even if lose 100 games next year and DON’T run into each other all the time it’ll look like an improvement. Or they’re about to be helped by angels. I don’t know what’s going on, but we need to hurry up and get to the punchline.

[via Yardbarker]

In the more graphic version of Jose Reyes losing a ball in the sun and looking like an idiot, a Cubs fan reached out for a ball, fell over the railing and lost a piece of his scalp on the ground. A PIECE OF HIS SCALP. The close-up of it makes it even grosser. You know you’re unhealthy when you can’t fall down without part of your head coming off. (via Sportress Of Blogitude)

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Jose Reyes suddenly catches pop flies like George Michael Bluth. Better luck next year, Marlins. (via Laugh At Sports)

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Yesterday we shared with you a clip of Philadelphia Phillies ballgirl Genevieve Haney snagging a foul ball and paired it with a dozen or so Instagram photos of her sunbathing or hanging out with the Phillie Phanatic. Genevieve loved the post and shared it with her friends, because that’s how she rolls.

Now, on the opposite end of that coolness spectrum we have Tuesday night’s Minnesota Twins ballboy. In this GIF (courtesy of the always stellar Tom Fornelli at South Side Asylum), the poor guy is tasked with taking Ryan Doumit’s bat and royally eats it, slipping on the grass and nearly taking Doumit down with him. He gets a pat on the butt for his troubles, and sad Charlie Brown walks back to the dugout knowing only Doumit, the people in the stands, the people watching at home and everyone on the Internet noticed it.

Much like the lovely Geneieve, Minnesota Twins bat boy is a big fan of Instagram, so I’ve put together a collection of my favorite snaps from his collection. You’ll really want to see these.

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In super important tennis news, Wimbledon camera operator ‘Colin’ tripped backwards over a canvas barrier trying to get footage of Elena Vesnina signing autographs and ended up trapped under his own apparatus. DAMN YOU, CAMERA THREE.

The commentary team calmly points out his fall and notes, “thank goodness it was a grass court he landed on”, as if a foot-and-a-half fall backwards onto a clay court would’ve shattered his spine. Wimbledon should start playing on spiked steel courts just to validate them.

The worst part had to have been looking like such a goon in front of Elena. We’ve all been there, Colin.

[h/t Busted Racquet]