By way of Prep Rally comes the least consequential moment of fastball-on-bird violence in baseball history.

Watch in squinting wonder as Springfield Sacred Heart-Griffin High School pitcher Ryne Elvers tries to shut down City Series rivals Springfield Southeast High at Lanphier Park with a fastball so fierce that were it to ever hypothetically strike an animal mid-flight, it would shred and splatter the poor thing in a pillow fight explosion like so much Randy Johnson. It would not have any reasonable chance of hitting a bird and having the bird just kinda keep going and be fine.

Cough.

Sophomore Ryne Elvers pitched 5 2/3 innings to get his third win in four decisions. Elvers also pulled a Randy Johnson when, while delivering an 0-1 pitch to Robbie Cooper in the fifth inning, Elvers plucked a bird in flight. The bird managed to fly off, minus some feathers.

“OOH! HIT DA BIRD” – concerned onlooker

Thank God he didn’t throw a change-up, it would’ve just landed on the bird’s back and flown away.

Holy Mary mother of God.

When a player messes up a shot, I like to use the old “that looks like me playing out there”, as I am objectively the worst basketball player in human history. The issue I’m facing with this clip of Washington’s Nick Young is that it ACTUALLY looks like me playing, awkwardly catching a pass, running up to the goal, getting all nervous because I’ve never been in a position like this before, jumping about three inches off the ground and “laying” the ball up in a huge arc that clears the backboard and ends up rolling down the hill. And then I’ve gotta be all, “heh, whoops, my hand hurts” or something and do the walk of shame down the hill.

Here’s the lay-way-up in magical gif form, courtesy of Buzzfeed’s Mike Hayes.

We’re through the looking glass, people.

As Jim Croce once explained, there are some things you just don’t do, including:

1. Don’t tug on Superman’s cape.
2. Don’t pull the mask of the ol’ Lone Ranger.
3. Don’t stab Leroy Brown so many times he looks like a puzzle with a couple of pieces gone.
4. Don’t mess around with Jim.

…and in there somewhere he pretty clearly says “don’t kick in the wind”. I’d have to check Lyrics Freak, but I’ve got this video to back me up. From 101 Great Goals:

Maccabi Haifa took on Dynamo Kiev in a friendly today, ahead of Israel’s friendly with Ukraine, and the match was played in ridiculous weather conditions as the wind took on biblical proportions.

The friendly match was only 60 minutes long but there was enough time for one of the strangest goals ever seen. Kiev’s second saw Haifa goalie Assaf Mendes take a goal kick.

Mendes’ punt forward did travel some distance before incredibly coming back on itself past the stunned custodian.

Imagine how bad it would’ve been if he’d spit into that wind?

I’ve watched this video a few times, trying to figure out how landing on your arm from like two feet up can knock you out, and yeah, the jolt of a fall can do crazy things to your brain and all, but I think it was shame that knocked him out.

Cage Potato is a great place to find MMA and boxing knockout videos of varying believability, but this is my new favorite — Jeremie Capony and Dan Lariviere squared off at Empire Fight League 4 in Montreal on Saturday, and at some point Lariviere attempts a flying switch-kick that whiffs completely and only succeeds in switching consciousness for unconsciousness.

I like to think that in a different timeline, poor Dan connected with that kick and it made him a viral Internet superstar. Maybe he got a date with Mandy Moore out of it. I guess we’re just living in the darkest timeline.

On Thursday we shared with you the first basket of Denver Nugget Kenneth Faried’s NBA career: a thunderous, no-look alley-oop. Today, in direct contrast to Faried, we present Washington Wizards forward Jan Vesely air-balling the sh*t out of his first NBA free throw. Just whiffing it completely.

The best part is that the shot he was fouled on looks almost as bad. He looks like me trying to do a lay-up in fifth grade. The worst part is that his team high-fives him after the shot. I know that’s what they teach you in basketball camp and everything, but refs should start handing out technicals for pity fives.

Trey Kirby of The Basketball Jones helps put things into perspective:

My first inclination is to say things can only get better from here, but then I remembered he’s a Wizard so that might not actually be true.

At least he never had to wear those black and tan uniforms, that’s something.

It’s not really surprising to hear Stephen A. Smith call LeBron James “nigga” in the middle of a rant about how LeBron has no heart. Sometimes he forgets he’s supposed to be a sports analyst and flips whatever switch turns him into Bruce Bruce and makes him think you have to say the same sentence five or six times in a row no matter who else is trying to talk. Here’s a clip courtesy of The Basketball Jones of Smith going full-”Denzel Washington yelling at Caucasian Protagonist” on ESPN’s The Skip Bayless Variety Hour:

I love that Skip’s out of context response is IS THERE A WIZARD. That’s pretty much Skip in a nutshell, isn’t it?

I think the two things we should get from this are 1) it’s not a big deal, because Smith was just being colloquial and speaking passionately … LeBron really does need to dig deep and start showing some heart, because he’s unarguably one of the most talented basketball players we’ve ever seen and he should have two or three championships already. Oh, and courtesy of Jimmy Traina, 2) “Anyone who watches that show should be put in a mental institution.”

And in case you’ve never seen it, this is pretty obviously what this clip reminded me of:

All it needed was Jay Crawford making an “LOL you just said that” Sherri Martel face in the background.

Via Guyism comes the funniest and saddest thing you’ll see all over the Internet today:

Your blooper of College Football Saturday comes courtesy of 6’10″ 377-lb Terrell Brown, who, apparently is not aware of how big he is. Watch as he sits on this small plastic chair…and watch as the chair crumbles beneath him.

To his credit, that chair looks like it would buckle to a light breeze and was already in the process of breaking when he sat down. The scale of the matter and the juxtaposition of such a hopeless chair with such a gigantic sports ass it what makes it memorable. A special thanks goes out to whichever College Football Saturday producer decided it was a good idea to air and deride poor Terrell in his moment of (extreme) weakness.

“Hello, YouTube.”

In our continuing effort to share with you the brightest and most athletic moments of the NFL week, here’s a clip of Philadelphia Eagles center Jason Kelce accidentally slam dunking a football into his taint because he forgot where Michael Vick was standing. It’s like watching a chicken birth an egg in high-speed reverse. He just crams it in there and starts running off like a frat pledge with a pickle up his ass.

Vick recovered the ball (possibly because nobody else wanting to touch it), and to his credit it was his heads-up reaction to the mis-snap that helped maintain possession of the ball and keep Philadelphia’s eventual 34-7 victory looking like a blowout.

Also blown out: Jason Kelce’s o-ring.

[h/t Shutdown Corner]

One of the joys of being a Magic fan was hearing the mixed reactions from other fans in the days after Otis Smith announced a major shakeup to the team’s roster. A lot of fans were really upset by the loss of either Vince Carter or Rashard Lewis, but that just confirmed my longtime theory that fans of Florida sports teams are dumb (myself included). But the major joyous reaction regarded the return of Hedo Turkoglu, as fans were excited to bring the pride of Turkey back. Meanwhile, I thought about all the strip clubs I could have visited instead of renewing my season tickets.

While he’s only played in two games since the trade, the 31-year old – in his second year of a 5-year, $53 million dollar deal – has scored a combined 17 points while racking up 8 personal fouls, including 5 last night in his return to Orlando. But despite those pooptastic numbers, Hedo’s greatest moment of his Orlando homecoming came on a fast break that could have turned the momentum in the Magic’s favor in the closing minutes. Instead, he probably made the year’s Not Top 10.

Video of Hedo’s mad ups after the jump…

(Video via The Basketball Jones)

As if things weren’t bad enough for the Dallas Cowboys, it seems that the organization once endearingly known as America’s Team just can’t get anything right. With franchise quarterback Tony Romo down for the season and owner Jerry Jones breaking his own rule about terminating his head coach in the middle of a season, the franchise completely disappeared from the face of the Earth. Or at least the World Wide Web.

It turns out that someone within the organization forgot to renew the team’s official domain, DallasCowboys.com, so for a good chunk of Sunday, not only was the team’s web site unavailable, but it was also available for purchase. Instead of the standard links to the schedule, roster, merchandise, etc., fans were greeted by a stock image. I like to think it looked like this.

Hey Dallas News, do we know for sure whose fault this is? I hope it’s someone noteworthy.

In the publicly available database on WhoIs.com, the domain’s registrant is listed as Dallas Cowboys Football Club Ltd., but the specific e-mail address administrative contact is for Jerry Jones Jr., son of owner Jerry Jones and executive vice president and chief sales and marketing officer for the team.

A message to that e-mail address and a phone call to Jones Jr. were not returned.

In fairness to the younger Jones, he was busy clearing out Wade Phillips’ mini fridges and purchasing a new parking sign for Head Coach Jason Garrett. Then he had to drive away from the facilities when he called to order another new parking sign for Head Coach Jon Gruden. He’s just a busy guy, that’s all.