I’m a huge sucker for anything Americana, which is why I’ve often thought that I was born in the wrong era, but then I wouldn’t want to live in any decade that didn’t have the Internet or white rappers. That sh*t would be crazy boring, yo. But with the shameful soul of a hipster, I love to look at the past and admire how easy those schmucks had it, you know, aside from the wars and polio and stuff like that. At least people in the 50s only had newspapers, radio and one TV channel to scare the crap out of them. I shiver thinking about FOX News and MSNBC terrorizing us through the Cold War.

So what’s my point, you ask, well it’s that this morning I fell into one of my typical Internet wormholes thanks to the above image of an ad that Budweiser ran to celebrate Miguel Cabrera becoming the first Major League Baseball player to win the Triple Crown since 1967. Being an old soul, I still think that winning the Triple Crown is an amazing achievement, so I like to ignore the new breed of VORPers and WAR mongers when they say that Miggy shouldn’t win the MVP. But that’s another argument for another day.

I started perusing the webs for other vintage beer ads and I came to several conclusions: 1) Beer companies in the 40s and 50s wanted people to die, because they loved suggesting that people drink while doing things like skiing and riding horses; 2) Being an ad exec back then must have been 10-times cooler than Mad Men suggests; 3) White people, am I right?; and 4) I’m thirsty now.

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And now, the worst thing Andy Roddick has done to white people since bagging Mandy Moore.

Allow him to introduce himself, his name is Roddick. Pronounced with an -umpty. This is him doing music’s equivalent of getting busy in a Burger King bathroom, rapping a personalized version of Digital Underground’s untouchable classic “The Humpty Dance” with Bobby Bones of Austin’s The Bobby Bones Show. A few truths: 1) This should not be happening, 2) This is happening at the Bobby Bones Tacky Sweater Party, which sorta cements the fact that Bobby Bones is the Weenie And The Butt of Austin radio (or Crazy Ira And The Douche, if you prefer that reference) and 3) If Andy Roddick was cool he’d be dancing around with Deb from the Morning X. If I was cool I would be doing the same thing.

Anyway, yeah. In a 69 Andy Roddick’s nose will tickle your rear. I can’t “fault” him for trying. Tennis jokes.

[via Busted Racquet]

This is a funny hype song written and produced for UGA by some students: for the students, fans, faculty, and TEAM. All put together in a little over 1 day, just getting a little fun and excitement going on campus. O and yea, haha we’re ready to win the SEC! Let’s Go.

At what point in that “1 day” did the students go, “hey, let’s get that guy who looks like David Wooderson from Dazed And Confused to start us off, he looks like the rapping type”. And then at what point did they follow that with, “well, we need people in the video who have listened to rap music before, who goes to college and knows about rap music? 19 YEAR OLD WHITE GIRLS!” That’s when I stop wondering, because the next question would be, “whose idea was it to have the black midget in Ray Bans refer to UGA beating LSU as a ‘bust in the mouth upset’, because seriously, you guys know ‘bust in your mouth’ doesn’t mean punching anymore even if you make punching motions, right”.

The always hilarious Spencer Hall over at SBN has a scene-by-scene breakdown of the video, so once your brain has adjusted to the song and you’re able to form sentences like, “lol that guy looks like general custer” again, hop over and check it out.

One thing that recap doesn’t include is the LSU diss track response, which follows.

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This video’s title is the SEO-friendly “Breakdancer kicking girl knockout“, but I have two problems:

1. They should’ve just called it “Internet”
2. They act like what happens in the video is a terrible mistake, but I watch pro wrestling … that wasn’t a mistake, that was a heel turn.

I’m also interested in the Breakdancer part. Sure, maybe the little girl gets Sweet Hip-Hop Chin Music’d before the dancing can occur (and the “break” could be referring to her jaw), but for the first twenty seconds I see nothing but the worst Saturday morning cartoon “Stay Off Drugs” commercial forward-rolling and New Kids On The Block-dancing bullsh*t ever. If your “crew” is a tween in cargo shorts and a kid in an all-white hat with a flat brim with the rhythm of a toaster oven you’re setting yourself up to be served, be it through superior dance humiliation or kung-fu f**king knockouts.

I don’t know, something about the music and the guy’s t-shirt makes this seem like a really dangerous episode of ‘GUTS’.

[h/t Cage Potato]

Funny what you notice the first time you see a movie trailer. Hairlessly handsome white folk, narration that makes it sound like the first paragraph of a freshman essay … what’s impossible to know at first glance [dramatic pause] is everything else. Aaaand wipe!

Twilight’s Kellan Lutz and Ashley Greene re-team in a story of young love and the true meaning of sportsmanship and life. Co-starring Chord Overstreet. Coming to select theaters and on Video On Demand December 2nd!

WWE Studio films have taught me that “coming to select theaters” is code for “Wal-Mart doesn’t sell direct-to-DVD movies so we’re releasing it in four theaters for a day”. I’m glad they’re doing it, too, because this movie has it all… Ashley Greene’s weird coke nose, Kellan Lutz not having armpit hair but being able to karate kick down a building, inaccurately played lacrosse … hell, it has everything you could hope for in a movie. Except a black person.

Wait, sorry, there are two black ladies in the crowd near the end. I didn’t notice them because my brain was recovering from “I know everyone faces hardship in life …it just seems like some people … are act’ally made SHRONGER by it”.

Links

Barbara Walters Interviews The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles In 1991 - I remember this, as I remember everything Ninja Turtles related. How many of you went to the Coming Out Of Our Shells Tour, raise your hand. [The High Definite]

The Smoking Section Ranks In The Source’s Power 30 List - New professional goal: start ranking on peoples’ Power Lists. I can lift a car, my blog has to be better than Grantland. [Smoking Section]

Five Cognitive Biases That Prove Your Brain Hates Science - I basically live in a world built on Blindspot Bias. In it, I can’t understand why anyone would read Cracked.com. [Gamma Squad]

Plot Of Jack & Jill Recreated With Passive-aggressive Quotes From Scathing Reviews - Second new professional goal: start calling myself “A.O.” something. Those aren’t initials, idiot, they’re what Tony Danza says when he’s trying to avoid confrontation. [Film Drunk]

Corgi Friday: A Youtube-stravaganza - I wish my cat would get this excited to see me after trips. He just kinda stands and yells at me. [Warming Glow]

Meme Watch: First World Problems Finally Have A Macro, One First World Problem Solved - Love that “White People Problems” has a racially-nonspecific PC equivalent. [UPROXX]

McRib With Bacon And Mozzarella Sticks - The worst link I could possibly give you. I’d rather have you think I’m a pussy than be dead at 45. [Buzzfeed]

Adult Swim’s 15 Best Webcontents of the Week - “Webcontents” gets funny when you say it as one world, like malcontent. I moved my website to the hills and don’t let anyone visit it because I’m a webcontent! [Adult Swim]

Photoshop Creates an Attractive Woman From a Blank Canvas [VIDEO] - This would be more impressive if 1) every photo we had wasn’t photoshopped to death, causing us accept tons of photoshop as “normal” and 2) people haven’t been able to do this with pen and paper and like, paint for thousands of years. [The FW]

Movies That Made Numbers and Dates Terrifying - May 19th! MAY 19TH! [Moviefone]

The Five Biggest Fantasy Football Busts of 2011 (and Five Players You Should Pick Up Now) - I’m currently 470-something in our DraftStreet fantasy football contest. I have no f**king goddamn clue how to play fantasy football. [The Smoking Jacket]

15 Funny Real Life Sci-Fi Road Sign Hacks - The guy who hacked his to be about Harry Potter sucks so bad I can’t even process it. [Unreality]