Yesterday, the fine folks at ESPN proved that they’re capable of more than throwing large sums of money at Skip Bayless to pretend that he knows about sports, when they posted the above picture to the College GameDay Facebook page. Within the seconds, the Internet exploded. In fact, if Twitter was a squirter, you’d still be clinging to your life on a broken slab of wood.

Thankfully, we’re all dry and some of us even have Photoshop, so obviously people were going to have fun with this one. It’s just a spectacular photo, this batsh*t old man and his giant rubber ducky. Granted, I’d rather have Samantha Steele in floaties, maybe splashing Erin Andrews, but we take what we can get.

I could have spent a day making dozens of pictures, but I’m already on my way to my own rubber ducky in the Caribbean, so you’ll have to settle for one above average original and my two favorite responses from the Interwebs’ best evil geniuses.

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One of my favorite things in sports is when athletes make jokes in their postgame or practice press conferences and reporters either don’t get them or they do get them but still turn them into mini controversies for the sake of slow news days. Case in point – when asked about Chad Henne’s 59 rushing yards against the New England Patriots on Monday Night Football, Brandon Marshall laughed and called him the “White Michael Vick.”

SOUND THE RACISM ALARMS! LET LOOSE THE HOUNDS OF DOUBLE STANDARDS!

Or don’t. Because this is completely stupid. Here’s what Marshall said:

Reporter: “What do you think of scrambling Chad, Brandon?” (laughs)

Brandon: (laughing) “I like it as long as he don’t get hit.”

Other Reporter: “You called him Michael Vick.”

Brandon: (smiling) “Yeah, the White Vick.”

(Everyone laughs)

And that’s the end of the story. At least it should be. Instead, it’s being reported as if Marshall honestly believes that Henne’s panic scrambles for his career-high rushing yardage really equates to Vick’s talent. Hell, Henne had 52 rushing yards all of last season, so it should be clear as day that Marshall was simply making a joke. But hey, that’s the joy of reporting without context. Let’s fire up the masses and stir up controversy around the guy with the mental problems.

That is, until Tim Tebow circumcises another child and we can run a story about how he diddles kids. Respect the power of the sports media.

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Forgive the grainy nature of the photo — it’s courtesy of TMZ, so I’m lucky there isn’t a huge T over Sammy Sosa’s face. Anyway, in the spirit of ESPN The Magazine’s White Michael Vick I present to you White Sammy Sosa, a jokey slideshow about how a white version of slugger Sammy Sosa would party with MILFs at strip clubs and try to cram money into stripper vaginas. Wait, is this real? I thought Burnsy photo-shopped this for me. I thought Sammy was undergoing a skin treatment, why does he still look like this oh my god

This is the only context we’re given.

Retired MLB player Sammy Sosa proved he’s still a baller by partying and throwing cash into a belly dancer’s skirt at Lavo in NYC on Sunday.

The 42-year-old knows a good tip when he sees it.

He proved he’s still a baller and that he looks like he should be getting arrested by Dick Tracy. Somebody get ESPN The Magazine on the phone, real life is taking this too far.

Links

25 Idiots Who Blamed Hurricane Irene on Gay Marriage - The only gay person responsible for a hurricane is Pat Patterson. Hopefully one day we’ll decide that disasters are caused by things that happen, not things we hate. [Buzzfeed]

Supercut: Stephen Colbert Dancing - Something to make you feel better on a Monday morning. Considerably better dancing than hurricane-causing Ellen. [Warming Glow]

31 Movie Teens You Wish You’d Actually Gone to High School With - Lauren Ambrose circa Can’t Hardly Wait. Next. [FARK]

A Compendium of Cool Comics Cosplay - This week’s gallery is especially strong, thanks to appearances from Arcade AND Forbush Man. Cosplay is awesome when you do it right. [Gamma Squad]

Lil Wayne Takes a Shot at Jay-Z - Jay-Z is gonna be mad when he finds out Wayne said he never figured out how to love, thanks to all those crooks who kept trying to steal his heart. [Smoking Section]

6 Reason It’s OK to Like MTV’s Jersey Shore - Reason 1: Snooki did that Oompa Loompa cartwheel back elbow thing at Wrestlemania, and it was better than anyone assumed she could do. Reasons 2-6: unknown. [The Smoking Jacket]

The Venture Bros.’ 9 Most Musical Moments - What’s with everybody who makes good cartoons at Adult Swim deciding they also need to be rock stars? And furthermore, where is the Xavier double album? [Adult Swim]

The Best Fake Fast Food Chains - Does Arby’s count? [UGO]

The 10 Best Musical Performances of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - I honestly believe that Jimmy Fallon as Neil Young is a better musical act than most of the musical acts. Although I really like Neil Young. [Pajiba]

A Virtual Tour of Curb Your Enthusiasm Locations - Not exactly the world of the Na’vi, but still worth a look. Every location is better if you bring along an orchestra to play Wagner. [AOL TV]

Sara Jean Underwood Cosplays at Anime Expo - Seriously, why isn’t Morgan Webb doing things in her underwear anymore? Did she turn 30 and get Logan’s Run’d? I AM TIRED OF COMPLAINING ABOUT THIS. [G4TV]

The Terrific Adventures of White Mike Vick - Possibly our best feature from last week, read Burnsy’s hilarious work while I spend 20 minutes a day filtering out all the hateful comments both for and against. [With Leather]

Yesterday, the above image was published by ESPN for the article, “What if Michael Vick Were White?” which appears in the Sept. 5 issue of ESPN the Magazine, or Highlights for Sports as I like to call it. Of course everyone’s heads exploded like that dude in Scanners over the picture of Michael Vick in whiteface. Some people freaked out because they said the image is offensive. Others freaked out because ESPN is stupid and it’s just a natural reaction to hate something that they did. Even more people attacked the article’s author, Touré, because they thought he came up with the title and picture. Such an angry culture we live in.

Touré insists that he had nothing to do with article’s title, the image, or people with one-word names. I’ve read the article twice and I’m not so much offended by it as I’ve simply shrugged my shoulders and wondered why the hell we’re still talking about this. Touré makes a great point – Vick’s crimes weren’t about race, as much as they were about where he’s from. There are neighborhoods, cities, families, and all-around mindsets in which dog fighting is considered normal. And we already know that, but Touré felt that we had to talk about it again.

I don’t want to talk about Vick’s problems anymore, though. As far as I’m concerned, Vick’s only real problem is his inability to pick up the blitz. I just want to talk about that exceptional white male that ESPN invented for the sake of stirring the pot. White Michael Vick has me seriously intrigued. So I set out to find out more about White Mike Vick the man, and what really makes him tick.

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