(spoiler alert: Side with the deer.)

What you’re about to witness is the epic confrontation between Dwight Howard and “Bango,” the inflatable equivalent of the Milwaukee Bucks mascot, filled by a man who is willing to stand in the hallway of the BMO Harris Bradley Center and pretend to be an immobile roadside balloon statue (or whatever) until Dwight Howard walks by. If you can’t tell them apart, Dwight Howard is the one that dresses like Minkus from ‘Boy Meets World,’ assuming Minkus was 11 feet tall.

Okay, so maybe “epic” is the wrong word, but it’s always nice to see anthropomorphic inflatables getting the psychological edge on a popular basketball star. Video is after the jump.

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Say what you will about the Phillie Phanatic, but he’s got fantastic taste in women.

Here’s a clip (thanks to Sports Crackle Pop, by way of Philly Barstool) of the greatest and most important of all sports mascots crashing a traffic forecast to briefly discuss the 2013 Philadelphia Phillies season before noticing that Kacie McDonnell is amazing and going in for a kiss. The result? Kacie McDonnell has a boyfriend now, and he is a blood red Galapagos bird.

I’ve never met the red version of the Phanatic, but I HAVE been kissed on the face his green equivalent, for telling him I had the The Phillie Phanatic Goes Hollywood DVD. Maybe I shouldn’t meet the red one. I feel like he should be enraged and hyper-violent or something.

(I’d like to meet Kacie, too.)
(I need to know about the traffic.)

Okay, that headline is technically a lie. The Oregon Duck — the best mascot in college sports, based solely on the fact that he parodied ‘Gangnam Style’ only days after it blew up, instead of waiting 6 months like everybody else — is aping the museum scene in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off to promote THE DUCK KNOWS ART?, an Oregon football art contest.

If you got to spend an afternoon in an art museum with ersatz Donald Duck, how would you spend it? If you answered “by watching him destroy art and almost make out with 2013′s equivalent to Mia Sara,” you’ll love this. Video is below.

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If you’ve ever wanted to see a bear try to slam dunk while being attacked by a gang of sharks, now’s your chance.

Conan O’Brien put together a dunk contest of mascots that should never dunk, and it’s … almost majestic. The aforementioned bear takes on a giant thing of non-dairy creamer, the Olive Garden never-ending pasta bowl, a CD discount bin, and more. I won’t spoil it for you, but one of them actually connects on a dunk. It’s my new favorite thing, and I wish it’d gone on for 90 minutes.

Video is below.

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In the style of our non-stop KIDS BEATING THE MIAMI HEAT AT BASKETBALL coverage comes this clip of Bailey, lion mascot for the NHL’s Los Angeles Kings, out-shooting Dwight Howard, a guy who gets paid to win at basketball. This contest of skills was made possible by the NHL lockout, which has given the league’s mascots a lot of free time, and the Los Angeles Lakers, who are currently 7-8 and still waiting for the NBA season to begin, I guess.

Here’s the recap, courtesy of ESPN’s Dave McMenamin by way of That NBA Lottery Pick:

Dwight said it didn’t count unless it was on the main court. So Bailey beat him at free throws on the main court. Then Dwight moved the contest out to the NBA 3-point line. They shot 3s from the corner and Bailey, a man standing about 5-10 wearing a lion costume, beat Howard, a man standing 6-9 and wearing his basketball practice uniform and sneakers as the first person to make five 3s.

That Bailey. He’s so smug.

Video proof that this was not just a Brandon Stroud fever dream is below. Warning: It is still not hockey.

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If you’ve ever wanted to see a shark in a hockey jersey hit a B-boy stance, here you go.

What you’re watching is THE GREATEST THING EVER OH MY GOD Deutsche Eishockey Liga mascot “Sharky” entertaining the crowd by breakdancing his shark ass off. It’s funny enough to see a German dude in a shark costume dancing like nobody’s watching, but everything about the clip is great … move-busting sharks, hockey existing, foreign hockey games having profane soundtracks because nobody can understand the words, and even the name of the team, Kölner Haie. It means “Cologne Sharks”. That is amazing.

I can’t thank Puck Daddy enough for bringing Sharky into my life. Please direct any and all Sharky-related news to me until I am dead.