You know how people often complain about PETA because its members seemingly spend more time putting naked Brooke Hogan in a cage, trying to convince sports teams to change their names, or chastising Chris Christie for killing a spider, when there are significantly more horrible things happening to animals around the world? Well, buckle up, because if PETA wanted a bold, new cause, I’ve got it for them.

Normally, if you had told me that you had a video of a bear and monkey racing on bicycles, I’d hug you and call you my new best friend. But when said video ends in absolute horror, like with the bear mauling the monkey, then I do not believe I would be as happy. In fact, I’d be downright upset. Probably upset enough that I’d invoke the assistance of PETA.

A video of such a monkey and bear bicycle race was posted to Live Leak on Sunday, and if you are easily upset by a bear attacking a monkey, I’d suggest not looking at this. But I know my audience, so here you go.

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Please forgive my inability to identify baseball video games, since the only games that I play are old school Final Fantasy re-releases for the iPad because I’m a ballllllller. Nevertheless, this bro was getting a quick nine innings in recently as his dog looked on, and I assume that the video game umpire made a call that he didn’t like or the dog couldn’t believe that his owner didn’t swing at that meatball pitch.

Either way, TIMBERRRRRRRRRRRRRR! But a huge tip of the cap to the gentleman for his reflexes, because I love my dog more than anything, but a broken TV? That’s at least a one-week belly rub ban, featuring no cookie bones until a Day 5 parole hearing.

However, and this is a rare case of me considering animal-on-TV violence, if my dog chose to freak out and attack the TV over a real-life bad call, I could probably make exceptions. For instance, if I were a Tampa Bay Rays fan and had been watching this call live…

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It’s one of the worst parts of my personality, but I love seeing children at the zoo being assaulted by animals. Once I went on a field trip and stood next to a girl who got kicked in the head by a horse. It was my Lolita moment, I think. Anyway, the best part of this video is the follow-up story from The Los Angeles Times: “We had to ask for a Band-Aid.” (via The LA Times)

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Links

The Only Kate Middleton, Prince William ‘Royal Baby’ GIF You Need |UPROXX|

‘Man Of Steel’ Has A New, Relatable Poster |Film Drunk|

A ‘Justified’ Season Four Promo With Actual Footage, Maybe Some Gunplay |Warming Glow|

Miami Dolphins Fans Are Really, Really, REALLY Good At Working The Stripper Pole |With Leather|

These 14 Video Games Have Been Definitively Declared Art By The New York Museum Of Modern Art |Gamma Squad|

Rita Ora’s Giving Up The Goods To Everybody, According To Rob Kardashian |Smoking Section|

Jets Fan Has A Buttfumble Jersey |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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In the best NFL/children’s game story mash-up since Mario Williams accidentally Woke Daddy, veteran fullback Lawrence Vickers had to be helped off the pratice field during the Dallas Cowboys’ final week of organized team activities to be medically treated for Ants In The Pants. No, the actual ones.

The story, via Shutdown Corner:

On Wednesday, during the Cowboys’ final week of organized team activities, Vickers was seen leaving the field with head athletic trainer Jim Mauer, holding his right hand near his waist. Vickers wasn’t injured — he had been attacked by the nasty bugs while on the practice field.

“Fire ants got in my pants,” Vickers said. “I was freaking out. Oh, ants!”

At least he didn’t KerPlunk himself. Maybe he should tell that story the next time he has to Break The Ice.

The worst part is that Vickers is allergic to ant bites and already has to carry around an EpiPen in case the team isn’t near a hospital, something bites him and his neck swells up so badly he can barely breathe. That’s the worst part for most people, I mean. The worst part for Vickers is that women were around and he didn’t want ants to bite his balls in front of them.

“I was trying not to squeeze myself in front of women out there … I wanted to pull my pants down and run inside, but I couldn’t do that. When those ants get close to those testicles, there ain’t no laughing about that.”

Look on the bright side: at least you didn’t have to have an Operation.

Not the bees! AHHHHHHH Ahgarbulagabah my eyes! my eyes! AHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHhhhurgh!

Coors Field and the Colorado Rockies were overrun by a swarm of bees during Thursday afternoon’s game against the Arizona Diamondbacks, and because DenverPost.com used “Coors Field was buzzing” and “bee-lieve it” puns in the first two sentences of their report, I’ll let them handle the recap:

In the fifth inning, a swarm of bees staked claim to a post in a camera well near the Rockies’ dugout. The sudden invasion by the winged creatures sent Rockies players scurrying to the opposite end of the dugout.

The game was halted briefly when Diamondbacks first-base coach Eric Young Sr. was forced away from his position, and photographers and TV cameramen fled the bees. The players never left the diamond.

Here’s the video, if you’re into plague footage:

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Sometimes I think we take guys like New Orleans Hornets center Chris Kaman for granted, as he is often mocked and criticized for being such an avid hunter. But he doesn’t care about the criticism, as evidenced by his recent posting of the above image on his Twitter account. Kaman Tweeted the picture in partial jest, as the Hornets were set to play the Charlotte Bobcats, but it also raised an interesting point – don’t we need guys like Kaman in case a wild animal ever gets loose on a basketball court?

Israel’s Maccabi Tel Aviv basketball team now knows the answer to that question is a resounding yes. Recently, during one of their games, the Fightin’… um, Tell Avivers almost had a full blown riot on their hands, when a ferocious beast interrupted game play. I’ve included the video after the jump, but please cover the eyes of any small children near you.

Also, reminder, most of you aren’t supposed to be near small children.

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