In case you were wondering, this is how a person starts a story about how their husband was swallowed into the Earth and almost murdered by God during a round of golf.

Friday, March 8, 2013, was the first nice day we had seen in St. Louis, Mo., in several weeks. It was a great day to get back out on the golf course and get geared up for the spring golf season.

Delightful! The man on the right is Mark Mihal, golfer, golf enthusiast and co-founder of GolfManna.com, the best golf site ever if you’re wandering the desert and want to know fantasy picks for the Honda Classic. Mark was golfing at his usual spot in Waterloo, Ill., on Friday with a group of buddies, and all-in-all things went pretty well, except for the fact that a sinkhole suddenly appeared beneath him and tried to drag him to Hell.

Here are the pertinent details:

[Playing partner Mike Peters] could hear Mark moaning and ran in the direction where he had been standing just a few seconds earlier. It was immediately clear what had happened; the ground had caved in and Mark had fallen into the earth – 18 feet underground.

“I felt the ground start to collapse and it happened so fast that I couldn’t do anything,” Mark said later. “I reached for the ground as I was going down and it gave way, too. It seemed like I was falling for a long time. The real scary part was I didn’t know when I would hit bottom and what I would land on.”

Mark landed in mud at the bottom of the sinkhole, which was approximately 10’ wide.

They tried lowering a ladder into the hole, but Mark had dislocated his shoulder and couldn’t climb. Fellow golfer/SUPER FRIEND Ed Magaletta volunteered to spelunk down into the hole with a length of rope, tie it around the injured Mihal and (spectacularly) use his own sweatshirt as a sling. Mihal spent about twenty minutes in the hole but escaped with only bruises and a bum shoulder, and you can read about the entire ordeal here.

The best part is that I had to use that picture from The Simpsons Movie because Mihal’s wife already made the best reference:

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I can’t decide what my favorite part of TABLE TENNIS SURPRISE is — the amazing return shot, the guy who loses’ stunned reaction and awed sportsmanship, or the fact that it sounds like the worst side dish ever. “Here honey, we’re having pot roast, green beans and Table Tennis Surprise.” (via NESN)

Programming Note: Biggest-ever thank you to Burnsy, Danger Guerrero and Maske for holding down the fort yesterday. My return from New Orleans went from “I’ll work in the morning and then leave” to “I’ll leave super early because the Megabus says they have WiFi WHOOPS THE MEGABUS IS LYING, ENJOY 12 HOURS OF TRYING TO WRITE WRESTLING JOKES ON YOUR PHONE” and it delayed the Raw report. That’s coming today. Sorry for any inconvenience. I’ll be happy to send you a refund.

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Links

Rejected Viagra Commercials Are Real And They’re Spectacular |UPROXX|

Talking To Jacob Pitts About ‘Justified,’ How Tim Sees Raylan, And ‘EuroTrip’ |Warming Glow|

Wesley Snipes & Diamond Dallas Page as zombie-fighting cowboys |Film Drunk|

Move Over Danica Patrick, The Daytona 500 Is All About Christmas Abbott |With Leather|

Funny, Sexy, And Awesome Cosplay Of The Week |Gamma Squad|

10 De La Soul Songs Everyone Should Know |Smoking Section|

NFL Logos With A Wee Touch Of The Brit |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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Mike Wilbon’s arch nemesis Dan Steinberg posted a series of pictures from the new Nike store in Washington DC yesterday, including the one that you’re looking at above. Apparently (and naturally) the store is a massive tribute to all that is DC sports culture, but none of that matters right now, because of that picture up there. What the hell is going on in that picture? That’s Ray Rice trying to tackle Brian Orakpo. WHY???

Of course, it shouldn’t surprise us that this conversation is already alive and well at Reddit, so I will let them ask and answer the big question. First, the thread’s creator and Washington Redskins fan “RamsesToo” states our frustration:

Display at the new Nike Store in D.C. Ray Rice is trying to tackle Brian Orakpo because logic.

Then, Seattle Seahawks fan “guardpost” counters:

Orakpo is running with one of Flacco’s turnovers and Ray Rice is trying to make the tackle. I feel like that’s not much of a logical stretch.

That’s a good point. HOWEVER, there’s one problem with that idea and “RamsesToo” is on top of it…

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Yesterday, while discussing Shaquille O’Neal’s foray into the comedy biz with The Comedy Shaq Network, I included a video of a recent sketch that Shaq taped with comedian Godfrey and sex tape superstar Hulk Hogan. It turns out that video was recorded backstage during a TNA Impact event, and that makes perfect sense, because Shaq and Hogan have a long history of friendship that dates back to the 1994 Bash at the Beach, held at the Orlando Arena when O’Neal was with the Orlando Magic.

Shaq was on hand to present the WCW Championship belt to the winner of the main event match between Hogan and Ric Flair, and if you have never seen that match or don’t remember it, here’s a quick recap – Flair strutted, Hogan did that hand twirl thing, Flair got slapped in the chest and fell down, Hogan was seemingly defeated but he got back up and suddenly became invincible, and then Hogan won because he has the most powerful right leg in the universe.

But the biggest thing that came from this event (aside from Steve Austin retaining his U.S. Championship, of course) was the friendship of Hogan and O’Neal, which led to an amusing promo that people still bring up now and again because of its “Hey, remember this?” charm.

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This is really happening, folks. Do not adjust your monitors, and do not spit that tobacco juice on my clean carpet. Adidas is actually selling these cowboy boot sneakers, designed by Karl Lagerfeld’s favorite young designer, Jeremy Scott. Don’t worry, I’ve never heard of him either.

Adidas says they’ll “get you rodeo-ready with their hybrid cowboy-boot-meets-basketball-trainer style” and Latino blog, Remezcla describes them as the, “mexican hipster-est thing ever,” but honestly, we’re just confused.

These bad boys were designed by American fashion designer Jeremy Scott in a series that “seems to be Southwest inspired”, according to Remezcla. (Via HuffPo)

Sure enough, the Jeremy Scott Mega Soft Cell Boots are yours to be owned for just $300 a pair, and as soon as you pick up your new cowboy sneaker boots, or whatever the heck they should be called, shoot me an email. Because I would love to know where a person would wear these and whether or not they’ve played basketball in them. I’ll need video of that ASAP.

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A bad rendition of the Star-Spangled Banner is Hell on Earth. I’ve sat through everything from cracked pre-teen Christina Aguilera types to those quartets of old people singing opera (this is easily the worst), so I empathize with Baltimore Orioles manager Buck Showalter when the camera caught him mouthing “what the frank” (I think that’s what he was mouthing) during a particularly weird version of our National Anthem.

To his credit, when you manage the Orioles you’re mouthing that and shaking your head about 70% of the time. I think we need to take a more proactive approach to unusual covers of the Banner, air our what the fudges, and start garroting these people. You’re a good man, Buck, and I’m sorry you had to live through this.

[via @bubbaprog]