This is a clip of a teenager lifting 700 pounds.

I repeat, this teenager bench-pressed 700 pounds.

[Matt] Poursoltani lifted a ridiculous 700 pounds on Saturday — a feat not only impressive because it’s 700 pounds but also because Poursoltani is a high school senior at Pilot Point High in Texas, and because he has increased the amount he can lift by more than 100 pounds in just a year, according to the Dallas Morning News. Poursoltani weighs 270 pounds, making his lifting astounding compared to the NFL bench press record of 705 by 325-pound Larry Allen. (via NESN.com)

I’m not sure what else to add, besides the fact that the motherf**ker has to wear Hercules clothes to fit his weird, crazy-power monster body. I am in awe of this kid. Guy? It never specifies how old he is in the story, it just says he’s a high school senior, so maybe he’s just a really stupid 35-year old who is also Unbreakable. Regardless, holy crap.

I wish I could put this clip into context for you. People who do my job on other sites don’t really like to show their work, and yeah, I know I’m not exactly Stephen Jay Gould over here with my pro wrestling and dick jokes, but every other site this appears on tossed it up with THIS IS FUNNY or SUBSCRIBE FOR MORE FUNNY VIDEOS.

Here’s what we know: the Grunting Granny has gone weightlifting.

Of course, the weirdest thing about the video is that she’s not a “grunting granny” at all. She starts screaming from off-screen, continues screaming as she does a squat, then screams as she leaves. It’s not even a scream so much as it’s … how do I explain it? Remember the Most Annoying Sound In The World from Dumb & Dumber? She’s doing that.

Here, compare them for yourself.

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Welcome to the most 1990s thing that ever existed.

For anyone who doesn’t know, ‘Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers’ was a live-action television series about teenagers who come together to use recycled Japanese action show footage to sell toys to American kids. It first aired on Fox Kids in 1993 and is still on, jumping from Fox to ABC to Toon Disney to Nickelodeon, changing its name and cast as many times as it needed to remain fresh. The most recent incarnation is ‘Power Rangers Super Samurai,’ but they’ve been Turbo, Zeo, in Space, in a Lost Galaxy and affixed with everything from time travel to dinosaurs and something called ‘jungle fury’.

Today, Sports On TV tackles the show that brought the Power Rangers to the dance — the first three seasons of ‘Mighty Morphin’ — featuring the original cast (mostly), the original bad guys and all the horrible dubbed-in dialogue and grainy footage that made the franchise a 20-year success. Yeah, I can’t figure it out either.

For your morphenomenal pleasures, I present to you my picks for the 20 greatest sports moments in ‘Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers’ history.

As an added bonus, you can MAKE YOUR MONSTER GROWWWW and unlock the Rita Repulsa badge by sharing Sports On TV: Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers’ 20 Greatest Sports Moments on Facebook and Twitter. All you have to do is click the handy-dandy share buttons at the bottom of the post, and the badge is yours. What better way to say “I know a lady who spent 10,000 years on the moon”?

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"Siri, remind me to watch the MAHGFAQQINN LYMPICS."

One of the strangest and most precious gems from this weekend was discovering that Pulp Fiction slash The Avengers slash Star Wars slash everything else star Samuel L. Jackson loves the 2012 Summer Olympics and can’t stop tweeting about them.

It’s important to stress that this is not a parody, and that these are real tweets from @SamuelLJackson. They cover everything from handball to sync diving to Malaysian badminton, all with Jackson’s contractually obligated tendency to shoehorn curse words into anything he’s saying. The guy works in “f**k” like Jackson Pollock worked in drip. He spells it however he wants, puts it wherever he wants whether it makes sense or not and sometimes ends up with a mangle of consonants because he’s SAMUEL L. MARGHFAGGUIN JACKSON.

Normally I’d want to provide some kind of commentary or context for these, but that’d be like touching a baby bird. Two major warnings before you proceed:

1. These tweets may contain harsh language, and reader discretion is advised.

2. These tweets may contain language you did not know existed.

Please enjoy 20 of the best Sam Jackson tweets from this weekend, and join us every day between now and the end of the Olympics for 20 more.

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Last year we shared with you the story of Naomi Kutin, a then 88-pound 9-year old from Fairlawn, New Jersey, who became an Internet sensation when a video surfaced or her squatting 187-pounds. Unlike a lot of other flash in the pan viral favorites (Jeremy Lin, I’m looking in your direction), Naomi wasn’t satisfied being “that kid from the weightlifting video”. She wanted to be the only kid from the weightlifting video.

On Sunday, Kutin used her proportional strength of a spider to break the world record for raw squatting when she lifted 215 pounds, more than twice her body weight. To put it another way, holy sh*t, she just squatted ME.

The previous record for the 97 pound division was 209 pounds broken by a 44 year old European woman last summer. Kutin actually regained her own record after losing it several months ago.

Kutin drew a round of applause from the onlookers as she completed the record-breaking lift.

“When I was younger, my friends would be doing a lot of things that I couldn’t do, and I wanted to do something extraordinary,” an excited Kutin said. “I wanted to break a record of some sort and I just really wanted to get this record.” (via KIII TV)

Congratulations to Naomi for pulling a Billy Mitchell, and for putting those European 40-year olds in their place. This is certainly a more athletic use of the KIDS WHO COULD KICK MY ASS tag than usual, as we usually hand it out for pre-teens Zangiefing bullies and adults who have turned their children into monsters.

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From CNN, to catch you up.

At least 76 people died in Norway in a terror attack July 22 that started with a bomb blast in the capital Oslo and continued with an hour-long gun rampage at a camp for Labour Party teens and young adults on nearby Utoya Island.

Of course, that didn’t stop New Zealander Cameron Leslie from gunning his lats. Cameron was at an gymnasium and was an eye witness to the initial attack, a car bomb that exploded between government buildings in Regjeringskvartalet, the executive government quarter of Oslo. He was interviewed about his experience on a New Zealand television station, and if you think he’s got a compelling story or a poignant point of view about the shattered lives and blood-soaked faces that immediately surrounded him … you might be putting too much faith in humanity.

The choice excerpts were transcribed by our friends at Off The Bench, and I ask you enjoy them, but Jesus Christ.

“Secondly, also for the fact that when the blast went off I was on the eighth repetition of a 165-KG bench press, uh, you know, that’s quite a lot of weight.

“You know we had ceiling and stuff come down around us, we had a lot of confused looking faces, and shortly after we heard an announcement over the speaker phone to evacuate the area as quickly as possible, people started leaving, uh, naturally I finished my sets and then quickly made my way to the second level.”

Naturally. He then added “I asked the guy to my right to spot me, but he couldn’t, because he no longer had arms”. Imagine how mad you’d be if a week after 9/11, some guy showed up on Wake Up Wisconsin talking about how he was doing chin-ups on the roof of the World Trade Center when the plane hit, and he thought “heh, whoa, that’s weird” and finished up, did a little yoga and calmly waltzed down the stairs. If only his collar had been popped, we might’ve been witness to the douchiest f**king guy in cultural history.