Beware all ye who tread beyond this image.

There are some days that I look up at the sky and wonder if the world really is coming to an end, and today’s not just one of those days. I think it’s the day that we’ve finally received an answer. Susanne Eman, the World’s Fattest Woman, is getting married. And of course it’s to a chef, because her story just had to get dumber.

Last year, we introduced you to Eman, who hails from Phoenix and had the aspiration of doubling her weight from 800-pounds to 1,600-pounds or 4/5 of a f*cking ton. Sadly, we later learned that doctors stepped in and told her that if she continued this ridiculous quest, she’d die before she ever hit her goal. So she stopped, and it seemed like her fame did as well.

Guess again, skinny britches! Eman’s back and she’s finally found love in a colonoscopeless place, and she’s adding one more world record notch to her equator belt – the world’s largest wedding dress. Give me the quote of the year, Huffington Post!

“I like an off-whitish, not completely white. Because if I wear completely white, I guarantee I’m going to spill something on it,” Eman told Inside Edition.

Just how big is the world’s largest wedding dress? 45 FEET OF MATERIAL! Her waist is 9 feet! Responded a naked child in Africa, “That’s cool, I’m good.” Let’s just hope that Eman never discovers Kate Upton’s Fashion Bridal Lingerie collection. *shivers*

Eman has also decided that her health is meaningless, because she now wants to achieve the status of the fattest woman ever. That record currently belongs to Rosalie Bradford, who died in 2006. I assume from natural causes.

I know what you’re wondering: “Does this classic American love story come with fries pictures?” You bet your ass. Maybe keep that Kate Upton link open just in case.

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People Magazine paid Kim Kardashian $1.5 million for the exclusive rights to publish her wedding photos in its latest issue, and I say that they only paid Kim because she’s the only person on the cover of this issue. Forget about that guy she married – New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries – because this isn’t about him. He’s just the dude who put the ring on her airbrushed finger.

But aside from the obvious, that this is just the first indication that Humphries is just along for a reality career that has been planned out slightly better than Paris Hilton’s, maybe there’s a perfectly good reason that only Kim, who is famous because she let Brandy’s brother mount her like a Shetland pony, appears on the cover of People’s wedding issue.

“It’s all about the bride. We wanted her. It’s her day, we wanted her on the cover,” said Garcia.

“He’s got a little height on her,” added Garcia of the New Jersey Nets forward. “It’s kind of tough to get them in the [same] shot.” (Via The Hollywood Reporter, which also points out that Arsenio Hall is still alive)

Translated: “We’re just saving some time and effort for her next wedding cover shoot.”

Whatever, it’s not like this is the first time that Kim has been on the cover of People without Kris…

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In case you weren’t aware, New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries married Kim Kardashian over the weekend, in a wedding ceremony that reportedly cost close to $18 million. Of course they didn’t pay for any of it themselves, because E! wants to be able to call everything they paid for an exclusive and that RU486 advertising money has to go somewhere. In all, I wish just one of the helicopters flying overhead had been loaded with napalm.

As The Superficial points out, it’s pretty bad that an $18 million wedding didn’t include first class airfare for the groom’s parents. Mom and Pop Humphries, as well as Kris’ sister Kaela, flew coach from Minnesota to attend the lavish wedding, and while I can’t prove it at all, I’m going to assume that Khloe Kardashian spent $1 million on a private jet to take her from the couch to the car.

But the biggest news from the weekend had nothing to do with the wedding. Instead, it’s all about how Kim became famous in the first place – porn. The website that hosts Kim’s infamous amateur sex tape experienced quite a boost in traffic.

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While it’s no surprise that the NBA could be so generous, league officials have granted permission for New Jersey Nets personnel to attend this Saturday’s wedding of Kim Kardashian and Nets forward Kris Humphries, according to the Associated Press. The league previously did the same thing for Chris Bosh, so it really isn’t a big deal that Nets owners Mikhail Prokorov and Jay-Z, as well as GM Billy King and anyone else deemed brave enough to stand between a wedding cake and Khloe Kardashian, would be able to attend.

Except that Humphries is a free agent and this could give the Nets an unfair advantage at re-signing him when the league eventually ends the lockout in the next 200 months or so. Some media outlets have suggested that Humphries’ career 5.6 ppg and 4.7 rpg could be a good value on the open market before next season, and it should be pointed out that the teams that think like that are the reason that we’re in this mess.

A few other notes to show you what Humphries has gotten himself into, and could have escaped if he had just let Reggie Bush steal his woman back…

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Because there’s nothing the Internet loves more than a viral video about a wedding,

On 7-23-2011 Lauren and Wes got married in front of many family and friends, showing their true love and bond between them for the rest of their lives… Yet they we still celebrating the Bruins Stanley Cup Victory in 2011, and this is how they came to enter their wedding reception in and EPIC fashion… We Got The CUP!!!! Boston Bruins 2011 Stanley Cup Champions!!!

Not a lot of black people at this wedding, I’m guessing.

Right now the two top thumb-getters in the video’s comments are “awesome job!” and “f**king obnoxious”, which I think are the only ways people can process something self-described as “epic”. Wedding receptions are supposed to be goofy and fun, so it’s not like they danced down the aisle to Chris Brown. Of course, the comments on Puck Daddy (to whom we give an inflatable Stanley Cup tip) expound on the severity of the situation: “Other people’s weddings and other people’s fantasy sports teams/leagues are the most insipid and banal topics of conversation to the vast majority of the population.”

I don’t know which side I’m on. I don’t think this is more less obnoxious than having two people light a single candle to illustrate their love or drinking out of a big cup or stomping on things, and that stuff usually happens during the wedding part. So yeah, good on them for having a good time.

If you weren’t aware, Kris Humphries and his fiancée Kim Kardashian are rich. Kris is rich because he’s spent the last seven years playing in the NBA, and Kim has a big ass and a sex tape. So it shouldn’t surprise you that you should hold on to your butts while looking at their wedding registry, unearthed today by prestigious sports blog HollywoodLife.com.

Here are some of the highlights, liberally copied and pasted, because holy sh** if you click the actual registry and read through it it will blow your mind.

An Osiris Butter Spreader — $43

A Baccarat Missouri Candy Bowl — $375

A Cunill Galaxy Sterling Frame — $470

A Saint James Silver Baba Vacaro Bowl — $330

A Lalique Tourbillon Black Vase — $6500

A Baccarat Eye Large Vase — $950

A Baccarat Missouri Jam Jar — $380

A Baccarat Missouri Mustard Jar — $175

A Moser Bar Bowl — $140

A Lalique Black New York Clock — $1115

A Lalique Cactus Flacon #2 — $450

A Lalique Ingrid Black Vase — $4625

An Hermes Balcon Du Guadalquivir Black Bread & Butter Plate # 1 — $105

An Hermes Balcon Du Guadalquivir Black Bread Plate #4 — $105

A Buccellati Torchon Salad Serving Spoon — $880

A William Yeoward Country Martini Glass — $46

I don’t think Kim Kardashian was expecting a rounded dish when she put a “bowl” on her wish-list. And 175 dollars for a mustard jar! Maybe I’m not related to a Jenner, but the most elaborate mustard-holding device I’ve ever owned is a yellow cylinder with a nipple on top. Which, come to think of it, sounds a lot like Kim Kardashian.

Also on the wish-list: an onyx “sleeping nude” statue, assumedly to remind her of every boyfriend she’s had besides Kris Humphries. I think in the spirit of good will and matrimony, we should all pitch in and get her stuff from the Etsy Collection. I’m sure there’s a Kris Humphries statue or a portrait or a pinata in there somewhere. No? Is he not famous enough for that?