Say what you will about the Phillie Phanatic, but he’s got fantastic taste in women.

Here’s a clip (thanks to Sports Crackle Pop, by way of Philly Barstool) of the greatest and most important of all sports mascots crashing a traffic forecast to briefly discuss the 2013 Philadelphia Phillies season before noticing that Kacie McDonnell is amazing and going in for a kiss. The result? Kacie McDonnell has a boyfriend now, and he is a blood red Galapagos bird.

I’ve never met the red version of the Phanatic, but I HAVE been kissed on the face his green equivalent, for telling him I had the The Phillie Phanatic Goes Hollywood DVD. Maybe I shouldn’t meet the red one. I feel like he should be enraged and hyper-violent or something.

(I’d like to meet Kacie, too.)
(I need to know about the traffic.)

In the best sports-related comedy weather forecast since that guy in Cleveland got pissed about the NBA Finals and screamed about how “IT’S ALL WEATHER,” Green Bay television station NBC26 used a replacement weatherman (or “weatherguy”) to prove that yes, even local news thinks the NFL replacement referee debacle is embarrassing.

But hey, to the weatherman’s credit, a morning low of -200°, a peak at 346° and an afternoon high of zero sounds like a comedic exaggeration, but he might’ve just accidentally reported D.C.’s weather instead of Green Bay’s.

Things actually get worse when the real weatherman shows up and weatermans all over everything, but isn’t that the story unfolding? Replacement referees do a bad job, we cry out for the real referees, then remember the last however-many-years of our lives we’ve spent yelling about how normal refs never make the right call. No happy ending to this story. Just like local news!

[h/t to Shutdown Corner]

I am well aware that blogging on a sports comedy site does not make me a “journalist” or a “reporter”, and sure, 90% of my day is collecting cheesy wrestler photos until I can run downstairs and watch movies, but Jesus Christ, even my highest-of-the-low-quality-writers no-worth-ethic-having ass would not use my internationally-broadcast Weather Channel report on Hurricane Isaac as an excuse to “Tebow”.

This is Weather Channel expert and “fitness nut” Jim Cantore Tebowing in the middle of Hurricane Isaac. I think the worst part is his “uhhh these winds are really powerful and it’s GETTIN’ HARD TO STAND” thing before it. He should’ve started off the report planking facedown in the street.

In case you’ve got a kinder heart than mine and you’re thinking, “maybe he really couldn’t stand up”, here’s a second clip of him doing push-ups.

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I apologize in advance for all the “crazy reaction to LeBron winning a championship!” and crying children videos we’re probably going to share today. It’s the only thing happening. Bud Selig could be assassinated by Jose Canseco and my inbox would still be full of, “check out Erik Spoelstra Gatorade bath autotune remix”.

Anyway, my favorite of these so far is Cleveland’s News Channel 5 Chief Meteorologist Mark Johnson absolutely losing his shit because “heat” and “thunder” are weather terms he can’t escape. If you’re worried about people jumping on the “I always wanted LeBron to have a ring” bandwagon, this guy’s Network moment will ease your mind. THESE CHAMPIONSHIP WINS ARE DIRTY AS HELL, AND HE’S NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE.

I feel your pain, Mark. I really do. Video is after the jump.

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Now you know how Texas feels. (h/t The Daily What)

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Links

Walter White’s Heisen-Brrr-g Crunch: Jon Defreest’s Retirement Pop-Cultured Ben & Jerry’s Flavor |UPROXX|

12 Terrible People and Shows That Appear on This Year’s Emmy Ballots |Warming Glow|

Elect Bill Murray To Every Sports Hall Of Fame |With Leather|

10 Other Historical Figures Who Deserve A Movie After Abe Lincoln |Smoking Section|

Batman’s Not Afraid, He’s Angry In New ‘Dark Knight Rises’ Trailer |Gamma Squad|

If You Consume One Amazing ‘Pulp Fiction’ Remix Today, Let It Be This One |UPROXX|

“Cool 2 Be Southern” – Review Of Big K.R.I.T.’s Live From The Underground |Smoking Section|

Steven Seagal denies ever pooping his pants |Film Drunk|

Let’s Watch Mila Kunis Shoot A Basketball On An Infinite Loop |With Leather|

Funny, Sexy, And Awesome Cosplay Of The Week |Gamma Squad|

This LEGO Version of the Meth Lab from ‘Breaking Bad’ is Tremendous |Warming Glow|

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Derek Holland was nothing more than just another Texas Rangers pitcher before he won our hearts during the 2011 World Series with his impression of Will Ferrell’s impression of legendary Chicago Cubs announcer Harry Caray. Some would say that he also showed that he’s a pretty good pitcher, too, but I was too busy watching the St. Louis Cardinals win the World Series. However, I’ll go back and check out my DVD to see if they have any highlights of Holland’s pitching.

Anywho, as we get ready to tip toe into Spring Training with pitchers and catchers reporting, Holland and his whispy perv-o mustache are back in our lives as he stopped by News 8 in Dallas to hang out with meteorologist Pete Delkus, as they delivered the local forecast last Friday. Holland, or “The Dutch Oven” as he’s awesomely known, studied communications at Wallace State Community College in Alabama, so if he hadn’t found success as an ace for a notoriously crappy pitching team, he always had his meteorology dreams to fall back on.

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