NBA center Jason Collins came out today via magazine cover (the best way to come out, I think, if you have that luxury), and I encourage you to read everything you can about it. Here’s a snippet from the Sports Illustrated story:

I’m a 34-year-old NBA center. I’m black. And I’m gay.

I didn’t set out to be the first openly gay athlete playing in a major American team sport. But since I am, I’m happy to start the conversation. I wish I wasn’t the kid in the classroom raising his hand and saying, “I’m different.” If I had my way, someone else would have already done this. Nobody has, which is why I’m raising my hand. (via SI.com)

You’re going to read a lot of unnecessary commentary about it today, so I’m not going to beat you over the head with another LIBERAL BALLYHOO thing about the importance of a gay athlete in pro sports in the 2010s. I will, however, help you deal with some of the shit you’re gonna read in advance, because it’s almost cripplingly obvious.

Here’s your field guide:

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Sometimes life gives you a do-over.

The first time Washington Wizards point guard John Wall tried to throw out a first pitch at a Washington Nationals game, it looked like … ugh, well, this. It was bad. Mariah Carey bad. It couldn’t even qualify as a legitimate bounce pass. The kind of thing Matt Ufford would’ve described as “physically retarded.”

Before Thursday night’s game at Nationals Park, Wall got a second chance at first pitch glory.

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Holy Mary mother of God.

When a player messes up a shot, I like to use the old “that looks like me playing out there”, as I am objectively the worst basketball player in human history. The issue I’m facing with this clip of Washington’s Nick Young is that it ACTUALLY looks like me playing, awkwardly catching a pass, running up to the goal, getting all nervous because I’ve never been in a position like this before, jumping about three inches off the ground and “laying” the ball up in a huge arc that clears the backboard and ends up rolling down the hill. And then I’ve gotta be all, “heh, whoops, my hand hurts” or something and do the walk of shame down the hill.

Here’s the lay-way-up in magical gif form, courtesy of Buzzfeed’s Mike Hayes.

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JaVale McGee needs to get smart and start destroying people with his naturally occurring biology. (via IASID)

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Links

Sadly, Maria Sharapova Isn’t Running Around Giving Shower High-Fives - She’s just upset that they want pictures with her dog instead of with her. I bet Martina Hingis would high-five me in the shower. [ Brobible]

ROFLMNBAO: The NBA All-Star Weekend Edition - An uncouth linking to ourselves, but Burnsy is hilarious and this feature deserves at least as many comments as the wrestling posts. [With Leather

The World Needs More ‘Eastbound And Downton Abbey’ - Slide 8 is my favorite Kenny Powers quote ever, as if I didn’t already approve of this mash-up. [UPROXX]

5 Reasons Why Jaleel White Will Win ‘Dancing With the Stars’ - The moment the Urkel Dance music starts (“do it! DOOO IT! Evr’ybodaaaaaaaayy…”) I’m gonna lose my mind. [The FW]

The FilmDrunk Interview: Jason Mewes - He speaks some English, but he cannot speak it good like we do. [Film Drunk]

Pledge To Party On St. Patty’s Day & We’ll Donate $1K To Charity - How much will you donate if I pledge to stay at home on St. Patty’s day, watch movies and eat macrobiotic food? [Smoking Section]

30 Rejected Pieces Of Star Wars Merchandise We’d Totally Buy - These are way cooler than real Star Wars merchandise. A Death Star basketball, are you serious bro? [Gamma Squad]

Horrible YouTube Comments Immortalized In Web Series - This comment marked for spam. [UPROXX]

There Was Going to Be a ‘Community’ Porno? Tell Me More - I don’t want to see what they’d do with Leonard, but the Dungeons and Dragons episode would be AMAZING. [Warming Glow]

Steve Martin And Gwyneth Paltrow Feel Very Differently About Their Picture Together - Steve Martin’s face is starting to concern me. You’re a famous comedian, you don’t have to look 35 forever. [Buzzfeed]

17 Crazy/Awesome Japanese Commercials - Not as good as that Taiwanese weather report performed by like 10 girls who are also Power Rangers. [HuffPost Comedy]

Memento’s Brilliant, Beautiful Timeline - DON’T BELIEVE HIS LIES [Unreality]

Somebody make “Sh*t Tim Tebow Says”!

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- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
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Links

UPROXX Discussion: The Best And Worst Rap Beefs Of All-Time - The best part is the link back to Danger Guerrero’s Tina Fey article where he gets all indignant about local convenience stores. Philadelphia is awesome, but not because of the places you get gas, dude. [UPROXX]

The Fifteen Greatest ’30 Rock’ Pop Culture References - Speaking of Tina Fey, I had a weird experience yesterday … I’ve been hearing everywhere how good season 5 of 30 Rock was, so I sat down to watch some of it on Netflix. That’s when I realized I’d already SEEN ALL of it and forgotten it in total. Welp! [Warming Glow]

On John Wall, The Wizards & The Case of Young Talent on Bad Teams - I may never be able to think of John Wall as a basketball player again, he’s just that guy who can’t throw a baseball. [Smoking Section]

WALL-ETHEUS Is Eager To Find Some Life Forms - The worst part about doing something creative in 2012: the Internet immediately eats it and sh*ts it out. [Gamma Squad]

The Dog from The Artist Has all the Right Moves - Now we just need to teach a wolf how to ride on the roof of a moving car. [Film Drunk]

Bronies Before Hoenies: Photos And Videos From The 2012 Winter BroNYCon - I understand what it feels like to love something uncool, but I don’t need a situation where I dress up as my favorite wrestler and go to a building where everyone else is dressed up like wrestlers, and I don’t need to blow anybody wearing a Gobbeldy Gooker costume. [UPROXX]

30 Of The Most Depressing Toddlers & Tiaras Animated Gifs On The Internet - These little girls are all going to be Courtney Stodden someday, obsessed with themselves and tweeting in alliteration. [Buzzfeed]

Flava Flav and Dee Snider Have a Crazy-Off on ‘Celebrity Wife Swap’ - Remembering people from my childhood would be awesome if they hadn’t gotten all Gollum’d out by fame. [The FW]

The 11 Crappiest Movies Of Michael Douglas’ Career - Disclosure will always be the worst to me. Demi Moore had a thing going where she’d do message movies and make them look like Cinemax. G.I. Jane, I’m looking in your direction. [Brobible]

The Muppets Invade Movies: A Gallery - In a better world, The Muppets would’ve been a colossal hit and Jim Henson would’ve risen from his grave with googly eyes to accept an Oscar. Oh well. [Unreality]

The Smell of Napalm in the Morning: The Supercut - Somebody needs to convert Apocalypse Now into 3D in post, and into smell-o-vision. [High Definite]

On Thursday we shared with you the first basket of Denver Nugget Kenneth Faried’s NBA career: a thunderous, no-look alley-oop. Today, in direct contrast to Faried, we present Washington Wizards forward Jan Vesely air-balling the sh*t out of his first NBA free throw. Just whiffing it completely.

The best part is that the shot he was fouled on looks almost as bad. He looks like me trying to do a lay-up in fifth grade. The worst part is that his team high-fives him after the shot. I know that’s what they teach you in basketball camp and everything, but refs should start handing out technicals for pity fives.

Trey Kirby of The Basketball Jones helps put things into perspective:

My first inclination is to say things can only get better from here, but then I remembered he’s a Wizard so that might not actually be true.

At least he never had to wear those black and tan uniforms, that’s something.