Rex Grossman has been named the Washington Redskins’ starter for Sunday’s opener against the New York Giants.

“Throughout this whole thing I wanted to play well and have no regrets about my play,” Grossman said. “My confidence maybe would waver a little bit every once in a while just not sure what they’re going to do. So I signed up for this fantasy football thing on With Leather and won $250. I got back my confidence, and now that picture of me getting buttf**ked by the Packers is the second best thing I’ve ever done.”

I didn’t doctor that quote at all, copy and pasted it right over from HuffPo. Take it as you will.

Anyway, in case you’re wondering what Charles Atlas-quality device could turn Rex Grossman from a zero into a hero, look no further — our friends at DraftStreet have decided to stop punishing me with fantasy baseball failures and offer up money from a $250 cash pool to the top finishers in a With Leather Free Fantasy Football game. It’s free, it takes about a quarter of a second to prepare, and it can win you guaranteed cash money. Most pro football players aren’t even promised that. Click any of the hyperlinks in this post to sign up.

The game happens this weekend, and it’s going to work a lot like our baseball games; you’ll sign up (for free, again, I’m not going to make you pay for anything) and pick your team, and the team with the best performance in this Sunday’s games wins money. So do the next five top teams. In fact, you’d have to be almost as terrible at this as me or Rex Grossman to not win money. So what’re you waiting for? Sign up for this right now, or at least tomorrow, when I remind you!

Unless you’re still locked away in your fallout shelter, you already know that yesterday’s 5.9 earthquake in Virginia wasn’t very much to worry about. Sure, us hurricane-loving, proper-time-zone-having East Coast simple folk only know tremors as a delightful Kevin Bacon film about giant worms. So you left coasters will have to forgive us when an earthquake actually strikes our neck of the States and we act a little shocked. And laugh all you want, but just wait until I send some Floridians out your way to register as California voters. Who will be laughing then?

As usual, some professional athletes took to their Twitter accounts to express their hysteria and/or indifference at yesterday’s earthquake, which reportedly reached New York and Pennsylvania. Sadly, our favorite usual suspects like Chad Ochocinco, Jose Canseco, and the Iron Sheik were mum on the quake. But some new faces – mostly athletes from the Washington D.C. area – stepped up and added their own interesting commentary on the matters. Thankfully, none of them blamed it on gay marriage.

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ESPN the Magazine, or Highlights for sports fans as I like to call it, has finally released its highly-anticipated 9th-annual Ultimate Standings. If you’re unfamiliar, the Ultimate Standings are a guide to determining which sports franchises of the four major North American leagues (MLB, NFL, NBA and NHL) offer their fans the best experience, from cost to winning. Ultimately, it’s probably the most scientific method of telling us what we already know.

ESPN’s brain trust determined the standings with 8 categories:

Bang For The Buck (BNG): Wins during the past three years (regular season plus postseason) per revenues directly from fans, adjusted for league schedules.

Fan Relations (FRL): Openness and consideration toward fans by players, coaches and management.

Ownership (OWN): Honesty and loyalty to core players and local community.

Affordability (AFF): Price of tickets, parking and concessions.

Stadium Experience (STX): Quality of arena and game-day promotions as well as friendliness of environment.

Players (PLA): Effort on the field and likability off it.

Coaching (CCH): Strength of on-field leadership.

Title Track (TTR): Championships already won or expected in the lifetime of current fans.

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Believe it or not, some football stars are using their NFL Lockout prep-time constructively instead of trolling people on Twitter or boxing Kimbo Slice. The above video is a local news report about Washington Redskins linebacker Lorenzo Alexander learning what it’s like to be a firefighter. Sports blogs are usually just esoteric nonsense, so take a minute out of your day to watch a pleasant clip that would’ve gotten me all inspired and misty-eyed about heroes when I was five. This would’ve been the coolest field trip ever. They get to spray the hose!

I would give up the life of a blogger and do something noble like fighting fires if I had the dexterity and good luck to get through making lunch without burning myself.

[via MyFoxDC]

Lobster Dog was just as shocked as anyone when the Houston Texans selected Mario Williams.

Originally, I was going to put together a first round mock draft to pretend like I had any clue how the 2011 NFL Draft was going to unfold and thankfully I talked myself out of kidding myself. Besides, all I have time to do is worry about the Miami Dolphins selecting Christian Ponder with the 15th pick tonight. Seriously, if that happens I will fully endorse the lockout until he’s old enough to retire. But that’s the fun of the NFL Draft – speculation, worrying, complaining, crying, protesting, cursing, stamping feet, blaming girlfriends, threatening lives, hoping players are hit by buses. You know, all the best of the “in good fun” stuff.

Instead of making predictions so you all can call me wrong – or more wrong than usual – or trying to outbest the best in mock draft coverage at Kissing Suzy Kolber, I figured I’d collect the latest and last of the big first round rumors before this little fun party begins.

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In a situation that calls for both 1,000 and zero jokes, Washington Redskins defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth has been officially charged with misdemeanor sexual abuse for ordering food at a hotel, then paying for it in the grossest possible way. According to the U.S. attorney’s office, there is government evidence showing Haynesworth sliding a credit card down the front of a server’s dress and fondling her breast. As a former food server, I can confirm that this is not Hospitaliano.

A grand jury returned an indictment on Tuesday, and if convincted, Haynesworth faces a $1,000 fine and up to six months in jail. From the AP report:

Haynesworth’s attorney, A. Scott Bolden, called the charge disappointing and regretful and said it would be a difficult case for the government to prove. Haynesworth is innocent and several witnesses would vouch that the alleged conduct never happened, Bolden said.

“We maintain his innocence, and now the fight begins,” Bolden said.

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