Ouchtown, Population: Bryce Harper. The Washington Nationals should not, according to closer Rafael Soriano and most people with working eyeballs, have lost their fourth game in a row to drop their record to .500 last night. They should not have blown their ninth-inning lead and allowed a triple to Gregor Blanco, but they did because 20-year old phenom Bryce Harper caught a case of alligator arms and turtle defense near the wall.

Soriano didn’t quite appreciate that either.

“It may not have been a catch-able ball, but if we’re positioned the right way, there might have been a different outcome. With two outs, I could tell my four-year-old son, ‘You know where you need to play,’ and he would have positioned himself better. It’s not an excuse, and I’m not speaking badly about anybody, but I think that’s how you play the game.” (Via USA Today)

Um, yeah dude, you are speaking badly about Harper. You’re saying your four-year old could make a play that he didn’t. So have fun backing off of that one later and make sure to buy the guy’s dinner when he hits a few walk-off shots this season. Meanwhile, the Brewers should sign his son and make him prove it.

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Texas A&M quarterback and eventual Buffalo Bill Johnny Manziel found a winning formula with trainer George Whitfield last year, as the 20-year old became the first freshman to ever win the Heisman Trophy. Between his own success and that of his new best bro AJ McCarron, who led Alabama to another BCS Championship, there’s not a pair of camouflage cargo shorts in the country that isn’t filled with wonder as to whether Manziel can lead the Aggies all the way this year.

Well, courtside seats and night club VIP sections be damned, because Manziel and Whitfield are hard at work on an encore, as they’ve been battling the waves in Southern California this week as part of his intense workouts. Of course, it can’t be all work and no play, because that makes Johnny Football a dull boy. So the young slinger stopped by yesterday’s Padres-Nationals game at Petco Park, where he was able to meet fellow A&M alum and Nats manager Davey Johnson before taking in some batting practice.

Manziel homered, naturally, because he’s a f*cking winner, bro.

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Obligatory Bryce Harper image.

Bryce Harper is a 20-year old baseball phenom with lucrative endorsement deals, one bitchin’ Mercedes and a lifetime supply of Chipotle. I’ve also been told by strippers that he’s very handsome, but that means very little to me because my mommy tells me I’m the most handsomest man in the world. Regardless, there is very little to feel bad about when it comes to Harper, especially since he took that above picture with Brittney Palmer and then people started rumors that they were dating, and that’s pretty much the best thing that could ever happen to anyone.

So when Harper missed the Washington Nationals’ 7-3 win against the Chicago Cubs on Friday, there was obviously some concern among fans for Harper’s health. But because more people in Washington DC are concerned with Harper’s health than they are about stupid crap like healthcare or crime, the local media was quick to report that it was just a simple, harmless ingrown toenail.

And then, because people apparently asked him to, Harper Tweeted the pic of his toe right after the nail was removed. I’d warn you that this is graphic, but I’ve posted about Jon Jones’ “dislocated toe” three times, so get ready for a boo-boo.

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Sometimes life gives you a do-over.

The first time Washington Wizards point guard John Wall tried to throw out a first pitch at a Washington Nationals game, it looked like … ugh, well, this. It was bad. Mariah Carey bad. It couldn’t even qualify as a legitimate bounce pass. The kind of thing Matt Ufford would’ve described as “physically retarded.”

Before Thursday night’s game at Nationals Park, Wall got a second chance at first pitch glory.

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Out of context, that’s the most “Yahoo Serious Festival” headline I’ve ever written.

In context, it makes a little more sense. Yesterday, Danger Guerrero wrote a piece for Warming Glow about how a terrifying promotional foam likeness of ‘Veep’ star Julia Louis-Dreyfus had been spotted walking around in Washington. If you love baseball, your first thought upon seeing the creature was, “oh, that looks like a Geico Racing President.” Sure enough, here’s mascot Selina Meyer hanging out with local footrace legend and former President Of The United States Teddy Roosevelt. Teddy was the George Costanza of the Presidents for the longest time, so this image may have hypercontext.

Yes, that’s right, the Julia Louis-Dreyfus character from that HBO show — or a presidentialized version of her, anyhow — will partner with Teddy against the team of Abe and Taft in a presidential relay race at Nats Park Tuesday night, in advance of Sunday’s 10 p.m. season two premier. She/it will also be in the center-field plaza before the game, and will be involved in several in-game promotions. (via Washington Post)

So rest easy, Danger. Now the only thing you have to worry about is that terrible, skinny William Howard Taft they came up with.

A free idea for everyone involved in this promotion’s creation: a Racing Presidents version of Ned Stark that almost wins the race, but trips up and loses his head.

SWEET CAMO SHORTS, BRO.

The Washington Nationals are amazingly fortunate. The reigning NL East Champions have 20-year old phenom Bryce Harper locked up through 2018 for just (relative) pennies each year, and that allows the team to keep spending like crazy to build a winning team that won’t lose in the first round of the MLB Playoffs. Of course, if all goes to plan and Harper’s career unfolds as most people expect, he’ll eventually command the biggest payday in professional baseball history. Some goofballs even think it could be worth as much as $400 million.

Until then, poor Bryce has to get by on the $1 million-plus that he’s making each season, and sure, he bought himself a big fancy Mercedes with a Nationals logo and trunk full of bats, and sure, he has a big endorsement deal with Under Armour that pays him a ton to lift weights at a rave. But none of that is enough to put food on the table. At least not the unlimited free food that a young millionaire deserves these days.

Thank God Chipotle realized that and gave Harper that card above, which allows him a lifetime of free burritos. So where does that rank on the best moments of Harper’s young career? Amazingly, it’s not even close to No. 1.

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