If you’re a regular reader at With Leather, you know how much I love mascots. Keeping that in mind, know that while I find the above video to be hilarious, I also imagine that it might be what Hell feels like. I’m going to guess the D.C. Air All-Star team wasn’t voted on by the fans.

The DC Air All-Stars – Big George, Hippo, G-Wiz, Air Screech and Air Slapshot, joined forces to entertain the crowd at Colonials Invasion 2011 to help the GW men’s and women’s basketball teams start the 2011-12 right.

This routine, like so much trampoline slam dunking, would be embarrassing but forgettable if the George Washington University Midnight Madness crowd were clapping and enjoying themselves, but their dead silence takes it to another level. It’s one part Zooperstars, one part high school pep rally and ten parts those weird amusement park live shows where kids sit on bleachers in a crayon-themed amphitheater or whatever and listen to five young actors who wish they were dead smile through a Now That’s What I Call Music dance medley.

All kidding aside, there’s something concerning about watching an inflatable hippo do a headstand while FloRida sings about how great his blowjob feels.

[sorrowful h/t to Off The Bench]

What you need to know, courtesy of HockeyFights.com:

Caps rookie Jay Beagle went looking for a fight with Arron Asham, one of the toughest middleweights for the past decade. It started out well, Beagle controlled range, threw long distance rights, but the feeling of things going well soon evaporated. Asham righted himself, regained his balance and composure and returned fire.

Where it goes then is swift, brutal and decisive.

Best: Every Hockey Fight Needs WWE Hand Gestures

It’s not sportsmanlike to play to the crowd and taunt your opponent after a fight in sports (to the point that Asham has already apologized for it), but when a rookie starts throwing hands and you drop him with two punches I think you should be required to stand over him and make hand gestures at his rag-doll-physics corpse until he never tries it again.

Asham’s “goodnight” gesture is the same one used by WWE’s CM Punk before his finishing move, a fireman’s carry into a knee to the face called “Go To Sleep”. As both a pro wrestling and pro hockey fan, I also would’ve accepted crotch-chopping, The Big Show’s roaring palm raise or the entire Val Venis pre-match routine.

Worst: The Caps Can’t Afford To Lose Any More Brains

With multiple years of playoff futility under their belts and sites like Puck Daddy openly wondering whether or not Alex Ovechkin has peaked offensively, the Washington Capitals should probably start picking their battles on the ice and trying to keep the insides of their heads intact. Washington won the game (3-2 in overtime), but most sites covering this don’t even bother to mention that — the only thing people will walk away from this game remembering is how Beagle hit the ice like he was dying in Half-Life.

Unless you’re still locked away in your fallout shelter, you already know that yesterday’s 5.9 earthquake in Virginia wasn’t very much to worry about. Sure, us hurricane-loving, proper-time-zone-having East Coast simple folk only know tremors as a delightful Kevin Bacon film about giant worms. So you left coasters will have to forgive us when an earthquake actually strikes our neck of the States and we act a little shocked. And laugh all you want, but just wait until I send some Floridians out your way to register as California voters. Who will be laughing then?

As usual, some professional athletes took to their Twitter accounts to express their hysteria and/or indifference at yesterday’s earthquake, which reportedly reached New York and Pennsylvania. Sadly, our favorite usual suspects like Chad Ochocinco, Jose Canseco, and the Iron Sheik were mum on the quake. But some new faces – mostly athletes from the Washington D.C. area – stepped up and added their own interesting commentary on the matters. Thankfully, none of them blamed it on gay marriage.

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The National Hockey League on Monday unveiled a “tender process” for international media rights to live hockey games to be sold throughout Europe and the hotter, star tropics of Africa and the Middle East. The league believes hockey is already making strides overseas, as 26% of NHL players come from outside of North America, and with regular season games and exhibitions being staged in Europe. The phrase “tender process” relates to there being no ice in the Middle East, and also all the machine guns and horror and death.

From the Hollywood Reporter, which is a surprisingly good source of pro hockey news:

The NHL said Evolution Media Capital will conduct an open auction for the foreign rights to live NHL games covering the 2011-12 through 2014-15 seasons.

The open bidding process will run from May 17 to June 8.

I remember my uncle going to fight in Desert Storm and bringing me back a Coke can with Arabic writing on the front. Maybe I should’ve asked him for a Mark Messier jersey. If the NHL wants to speed up the process, they should send the Washington Capitals to the Middle East, as they are intensely familiar with tragic bombings.

…so here’s a UFC lady eating a taco.

Sports

Arianny Celeste in a Bikini - Celeste is an Octagon girl, and that’s the best opening line to a They Might Be Giants song ever. Here are a bunch of pictures of her in a bikini, confirming that no, it is not difficult to get someone who holds things for a living to take off their clothes for money. [Superficial]

The Caps Have Been Swept, and Here’s Why - Sigh. The only good thing about moving out of D.C. is that I get to read about the Caps screwing up instead of sitting there in the Verizon Center watching it. Here’s a solid breakdown of what happened, because mine would just be a string of curse words. [Puck Daddy]

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I saw this story earlier in the week and forgot to mention it because I was more concerned with the liberty and freedom of Vancouver’s Green Men, but someone recently purchased a Wayne Gretzky rookie card for $94,163 from an online sports memorabilia auction. It is apparently an incredibly rare, flawless O-Pee-Chee card from 1979, and SCP Auction basically called it the most valuable modern trading card on the planet.

*stares at pile of Jose Canseco Rated Rookies, sighs*

Tampa Bay Lightning 4, Washington Capitals 3 (Series: 3-0 TB)

The Washington Capitals scored three goals in the second period (big deal, football players do that just by kicking the ball) to grab a 3-2 lead over the Lightning heading into the third period. It really looked like Alex Ovechkin and Co. were going to splash some water on the red hot Lightning and climb back into this series. Instead, Caps goalie Michal Neuvirth allowed two goals in the third, which I have been told is not a good strategy.

Tampa’s Steven Stamkos and Ryan Malone scored the tying and game-winning goals, respectively, within 30 seconds of each other and the Lightning have now won 6 straight games as the 5-seed.

Fun Fact: The Lightning are the second most popular sports team in Tampa behind the Buccaneers. The Rays rank 714th.

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