As always, if you’re not following Jose Canseco on Twitter, you are missing out on treat after misspelled treat, including random emotional outbursts, sad claims that he could still produce at the Major League level, and requests for lawyers to help him get his chandeliers back. If you do follow Jose, then you know that this past summer was an emotional rollercoaster for him, as he went through some tough times with his girlfriend and model, Leila Shennib. Here’s a quick recap:

• The couple broke up in July, prompting Canseco to issue a series of Tweets accusing Shennib of using him for fame, most likely to get her own reality show. He called her a “man eater” as he warned other stars that she might get her claws on. It should also be pointed out that nobody on this planet would watch a show about Canseco’s ex-girlfriends.
• Leila eventually responded by getting a restraining order against Canseco, prompting him to ask how someone could demand court-mandated distance from someone she claims to love.
• Why can’t you just love him back, Leila? He’s pouring his heart out to you!
• And because he can admit that he was wrong, the lovebirds have been reunited. It’s truly a story meant for Hollywood.

Last night, Canseco used his Twitter fame – that has only been boosted by his new job signing autographs at a Las Vegas store 6 days a week – to ask people to vote for Leila to be the next Miss Poker Centerfold, which I believe is a step or two below Miss Universe while slightly above “girl who shows her breasts for free 3 Doors Down tickets.” So go vote for Leila and help this crazy couple’s dreams come true. You know, before they break up again and he ends up in jail.

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Last week we shared with you the news that turd-mouthed ex-ballplayer Lenny Dykstra would be taking the place of White House party crasher Tareq Salahi in an upcoming Celebrity Boxing match with Jose Canseco. “Canseco ruined my career by spreading lies,” said Dykstra in a statement. “I called Tareq and begged him to let me take his place in the upcoming fight against Canseco.”

Well, as it turns out, Canseco wasn’t the only person spreading lies. Somewhere between that statement and last night’s “Battle of the Baseball Bad Boys” (their name, not mine) Dykstra pulled out of the fight, and he might’ve pocketed $5,000 of the promoter’s cash before doing so. This is where the story gets very Sports By Brooks, so try to stay with me. From the Philadelphia Inquirer, by way of The Hall Of Very Good:

(Fight promoter Damon) Feldman said moments ago that he and main promoter Alki David met Dykstra on Thursday and paid him cash. The former Phillies star was to receive another $10,000 after the fight but informed promoters around 6 EST tonight that he would not show up.

Dan Herman, who until severing ties tonight with Dykstra had served as a manager for him, arranged Dykstra’s participation in the bout and confirmed that Dykstra was paid a portion of his purse in advance and has pulled out of the fight. “I grew up idolizing Lenny Dykstra but it was all a lie,” Herman said.

That makes both Canseco and Dykstra liars, for the record. But who can show up to call the promoter a liar? Why, a local weatherman, of course!

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Last time we visited the awesomeness that is Jose Canseco’s Twitter, he was desperate to retain legal services so he could get his chandeliers back from his landlord. Now he’s desperate for a chance to play Major League Baseball again. Over the past few weeks, the 46-year old has Tweeted his fervent belief that he could still be a home run champion if someone gave him a shot to be a DH. Most recently, he has been begging GM Sandy Alderson for a shot to play first base for the New York Mets. If only that pesky MLB Gestapo would stop interfering with Jose’s dream.

Back in August, Canseco signed a deal to be a bench coach and DH for the Laredo Broncos of the United Baseball League, but Canseco also claims that he made a verbal agreement with an unnamed team in the Puerto Rican Baseball League two days ago. Unfortunately, according to a Canseco Tweet from about 4 am EST, MLB put the kybosh on that plan, as Canseco believes that he has not been playing because the league still has him blacklisted and not because he’s 4 years from 50 and his last noteworthy MLB season was 1999.

Anywho, let’s see what the slugger has been chatting about recently, and these have not been edited for accuracy or grammar…

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Pictured here is New England Patriots cheerleader Kristen O'Neil. Why is she pictured? You know, other than the usual horny reasons? Brace yourself: she's dating John Popper of Blues Traveler.

Yes, that sound you just heard was my penis deflating. For those of you readers too young to have experienced the 1990s, John Popper looks like this. Only sweatier. (Okay, so he had gastric bypass surgery and isn't as fat as before. Whatever. The fat man is still inside.) From the Boston Herald (I added a sexy link for you):

Popper, who wrote the band’s hit “Amber Awaits,” for ex-Pats rah-rah gal Amber van Eeghen, is now dating current sideline sweetie Kristen O’Neil. The cheerleaders and Blues Traveler have done three USO trips together to pep up the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. Head cheerleader Tracy Sormanti said Kristen and John have been dating since they returned from their last mission overseas. "They got to know each other pretty well and after the last tour was over they decided to date,” Sormanti told the Track.

So… yeah. John Popper has nailed multiple Patriots cheerleaders. You: zero. Life is fair. 

Dennis Rodman is still alive, apparently:

Basketball's goodwill ambassadors, the Harlem Globetrotters, will take on the Bad Boy All-Stars led by Dennis Rodman for the first time during the 2007 NBA All-Star Weekend in February, organizers said.

Oh, the Bad Boy All-Stars. I remember them from… Weren't they in, uh… that thing? Wait, it's coming to me: they were just made up so Rodman could cash another check as the freak at the carnival. Right now Rodman's calling up every Gypsy, bearded woman, eight-fingered midget, and alligator boy he's ever slept with to (A) see if they're available to play a game of basketball in February, and (B) apologize for that rash.

But I kid Rodman. If I went to Vegas for the All-Star Weekend, this game would be right up there on the list of things for me to do. Right after the dunk contest, the three-point contest, watching WNBA players do layup drills, and emptying out my bank account at the Cheetah's ATM with the $6 surcharge in the hopes that Charmaigne will give me her number after her shift ends at 4:00.

Tip o' the hat: Fleece the Pig, Flog the Pony

Sammy Sosa… Salma Hayek… president of Dominican Republic… two dozen models… brain overload:

Sammy Sosa's elaborate birthday party Saturday night attracted more than 700 visitors to his $8 million villa… Actress Salma Hayek, a good friend of Sosa's, arrived amid much fanfare.

Yes, if by "fanfare" they mean "ogling her sweet rack." 

Sosa hired some two dozen young models clad in expensive dresses and high heels, arranging for them to stand along the candlelit driveway as the dignitaries walked down the red carpet. After about two hours of standing, three models walked toward the house, either to freshen up or give their feet some relief. When Sosa saw the models fall out of line, he shot them a stern look and signaled them to return to their posts until the president of the Dominican Republic arrived.

People, I'm telling you from experience, you cannot put up with shit from your models. Once you do things like allow them to rest briefly or go to the bathroom, they think they're entitled to thoughts of their own, then it's all me me me and I I I, and you have to go out and screen a whole new set of girls to be your sexy living statues.

But the funniest part of the story? Sosa still hasn't given up on a comeback to MLB. Yes, the same Sosa who hit .221 for the Orioles two years ago. Next stop for Sammy: San Diego Surf Dawgs.