Cleveland Cavaliers big man Shaquille O’Neal is averaging 22 minutes a game this season, but he might be racking up the equivalent of billable hours in court. See what I did there? Anyway, Shaq’s latest foray into court involves his suit for all trademark rights to the word “Shaqtus.” Apparently, someone did in fact touch the shaqtus.

According to a lawsuit filed in Las Vegas, Shaq claims a random businessman beat him to the punch in registering for the Shaqtus trademark — and it’s causing a serious problem for Shaq’s business.

ESPN blew the guy off — but now Shaq is looking to take back full control of the Shaqtus trademark. –TMZ.

This came on the heels of the pending lawsuit filed by his former alleged mistress, Vanessa Lopez. I’d start calling her “V-Lo,” but that sounds kinda stupid and it probably won’t catch on anyway. At least Shaq remembered to pay somebody off, according to a report centered around Swedish “model” Dominica Westling, whom we were good enough to feature below. Hopefully this makes up for all the Favre gushing this morning. Come on, you know you can’t stay mad at me…

Texas Longhorns quarterback Colt McCoy proposed to his girlfriend Rachel Glandorf in Texas Stadium earlier this week. Deadspin had photos of the how he did it: he took her into the stadium at night and had the scoreboard operator flash a message on the JumboTron. I would have flashed something else. You know, like my wang. McCoy, seriously here, says his injured shoulder should be ready to go for the upcoming NFL scouting combine in Indianapolis. He’s currently considered optimistically a low first-day pick. Rachel could have done so much better.

From the desk of Why Does Anyone Ever Get Married In This Country Anymore: Jim Nantz will be shelling out almost a million dollars a year in alimony for the rest of his life, or until his ex remarries. Like I said: the rest of his life.

Nantz must pay $72,000 a month in alimony until either he dies or his ex-wife remarries, and another $1,000 week in child support for their 15-year-old daughter, Caroline, for the next two years.

Lorrie Nantz [pictured] will get the six-bedroom home in Westport the couple shared. –Boston Herald, via So Yoked.

I realize that there are a pockets of the gay community right now that are hoping to get these state-sanctioned bans repealed, and all I can say is: good luck. You have no idea what you’re in for. When Jim Nantz sneaks out to bang a 29-year-old, it’s a national travesty. But when it happens among same-sex couples, it’s called “Thursday.”

It seems like Derek Jeter and “Friday Night Lights” star Minka Kelly have been together for a while, so one can only presume that Kelly–whose beau has dated the likes of Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, and Mariah Carey (in her prime, mind you)–is holding it down. Kelly, who also appeared in State’s Evidence and (500) Days of Summer, is having almost as good a year as Jeter’s: she has two films slated for release next year, and the almost-unhealthy infatuation of Leighton Meester to boot, almost certainly inspired by their upcoming film together, The Roommate, a sort of contemporary take on Single White Female. At least Minka gives us one one reason to cheer for the Yankees, even if there are about 75,000 reasons to hope they get swept by the Phillies. Keep fighting the good fight, Minka. Also.

Abigail Clancy — the fiancee of gangly giraffe-like Tottenham Hotspur striker Peter Crouch — has long been a favorite here at With Leather despite her terrible taste in men. Or maybe because of her terrible taste in men? No, that has nothing to do with it. Much more influential in the favoritism are her hair and eyes and lips and wardrobe selections and — whatchama call those things again? Boobs? Yeah, those are good, too.

Anyway, every time that Abbey shows up somewhere looking attractive, as she did at last night’s Pride of Britain Awards, it’s hard not to take a walk down memory lane with her. Who can forget the time she frolicked in the surf with friends? Or that time she didn’t feel like wearing her bikini top? Or when her sheer dress showed off her leopard-print thong? So many happy memories I have of her. I wonder if she ever got that ear I sent her?

(via Kickette)

We’re a bit late to this whole Tila Tequila-Shawne Merriman dustup that happened over the weekend, but here’s what we know so far about the relationship between the Pro Bowl linebacker and the woman who’s really not hot enough to be famous anyway: Tequila, whose real name is Tila Nguyen, tried to leave Merriman’s place on Sunday morning. Merriman wouldn’t let her go, saying she was intoxicated. Nguyen would later sign a citizen’s arrest warrant with the San Diego County Sherriff’s office, citing battery and false imprisonment.

Deputies responded about 3:45 a.m. to Merriman’s house in Poway, north of San Diego, after a woman called to say she was choked by the player and thrown to the ground when she tried to leave, Sheriff’s Department spokesman Jan Caldwell said at a news conference. via.

And so Merriman spent two hours in jail. Deputies later confirmed that Tila Nguyen had been drinking, a notion that she would later refute on Twitter, claiming she was allergic to alcohol.

In a tweet Sunday, Tequila said: “I am allergic to alcohol. It has been publicly known for years. That is how I got the name Tila “Tequila” cuz the irony. I cant drink.”

[She also tweeted,] “Steroid use makes people act aggressive….known fact,” presumably a referance to Merriman’s known steroid use. via.

It’s hard to believe that someone nicknamed Tila Tequila would actually try to claim that she’s allergic to alcohol, but that’s my fault for expecting a reality TV star to realize that we actually use the brain that she takes for granted. I always trust the steroid-crazed idiot over the Vienamese TV whore idiot. Call me cynical…