Last night, the Boston Bruins took a commanding 3-1 lead over the Toronto Maple Leafs in their first round Stanley Cup Playoffs series, and nobody really cares about that because Happy Endings star Elisha Cuthbert was in the crowd and – did that girl just get sassy with Alex Kerkovich?!?! Short answer – no. Long answer – still no, but with more clarification, obviously.

That young lady standing in front of Cuthbert is April Reimer, wife of Leafs goalie James Reimer, and since the goalie is the easiest person to blame any time the opposing team scores a goal, there’s a chance she wasn’t going to be very happy after the Bruins scored on her husband in overtime. That’s why this exchange between Elisha and April has us sassy Internet bloggers’ wives gossiping this morning.

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I may or may not have a Google news alert set for “Paulina Gretzky wearing tank tops in public”, but it worked in my favor today because Wayne Gretzky’s pride and joy is currently running around Augusta National supporting her boyfriend Dustin Johnson. I have no clue where he currently stands, but if I were him I’d never be standing again.

Hit it.

Anywho, that was my strange, unrelated way of talking about the new Tumblr account that will be almost as hot as Paulina this weekend, “Waldo at the Masters”, which is photoshopped pictures of America’s favorite Hide N Seek champ hanging out in the gallery at Augusta National. There’s not much else to it, and there doesn’t have to be. I love Waldo and I love the Masters tournament, so unless someone finds a way to incorporate Taco Bell’s Volcano Tacos, I’m pretty confident that this is going to be my favorite thing of this weekend.

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Forgive me, faithful With Leatherheads, for I have sinned. I saw this story loosely related to Reading Football Club the other day and whispered to myself ever so gently, “Hey, maybe throw up a post about those losers” before pouring myself into a bubble bath, but then I forgot because I’m old and stupid. Anyway, Reading is currently only three points better than Queens Park for dead last in the Barclays Premier League standings, so it’s safe to say that they’re not having the best season, at least on the field.

If I wanted to be an optimist, though, I’d say that Reading is only 48 points out of first place, but then I’d probably incite a soccer hooligan riot in the comments, because I never ever get soccer terminology right. That said, I’ll stick to what I know and what I know is that Reading is owned by 30-year old Anton Zingarevich, who is the son of Russian billionaire Boris Zingarevich. And if Jason Bourne and James Bond movies have taught me anything, it’s that Russian billionaires make all of their money by stealing oil pipelines from other billionaires.

So what does a few billion dollars buy a 30-year old? For starters, obviously, a professional soccer club. But much more importantly – since the club in question is awful – this status has also landed Anton a 23-year old wife named Katsia, who just so happens to be a Victoria’s Secret Angel, which is something that is obviously very important to me based on what interests me.

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This week has already been highlighted by “news” that includes people accusing Beyonce of treason for lip-syncing the National Anthem, Manti Te’o playing the “What would you do?” game with Katie Couric, and Sheryl Crow, of all people, being dragged through the mud over Lance Armstrong admitting that he used PEDs, so I think it’s safe to say that this is quite the slow news week. But then, that’s what happens when you let those lazy football players take an extra week off before the Super Bowl.

Speaking of slow news and football players, I’m sure you’ve already read Wes Welker’s wife Anna’s less-than-favorable comments about Ray Lewis after the AFC Championship Game, in which she encouraged people to check out his lesser moments on his Wikipedia page. Of course, Anna (maiden name Burns, which means “fiery when drunk” in Irish) has since apologized, and we’ve heard very little from Lewis himself, making this almost a complete non-story.

That is, unless… yes, I think that’s… OH MAH GAWD, THAT’S LINDA HOGAN’S MUSIC!

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Italian soccer star Mario Balotelli is only 22-years old, and as the face and presumable future of Manchester City and the Italian National Team, it’s safe to say that he has a long career ahead of him. But with so much success already coming at such a young age, Balotelli has seen his fair share of controversy, from the racial taunts of opposing teams at Euro 2012 to the daily tabloid reports on European websites and in trashy gossip rags. Of course we sympathize with him for the former and we love him for the latter, because athletes who recover from losing Europe’s biggest soccer tournament by partying with beauty queens in the wake of a paternity scandal brought about by one of soccer’s most notorious WAGs is stronger than a fresh pot of coffee to us.

But I mention Balotelli today not because he broke up with his pregnant girlfriend, Rafaella Fico, yet again because they can’t agree on where to have the baby and he allegedly can’t keep his striker in his Umbros. Instead, I’m bringing him up because – Dude, what the hell did you do to your Bentley?

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Perhaps we jumped the gun a little when it was reported that Mario Balotelli – just one day after Italy lost to Spain in the Euro 2012 Final – was ready to embrace his role as a proud daddy when his ex-girlfriend Raffaella Fico announced that she was pregnant with his baby. After all, it would require a great deal of certainty on his part that the child is indeed his, as they’d been broken up for a few months. Also, she didn’t announce it, so much as she sold the story to tabloids.

Plus, he’s only 21-years old, incredibly wealthy, and one of the most famous soccer superstars on the planet. So yeah, on second thought, he’d like to see a paternity test first.

But today he said in statement that he would only ”accept full responsibility” for the baby after a DNA test proved he was the father.

”I will accept full responsibility after a paternity test. I don’t really want to speak publicly about my private life but I find that I have to explain once and for all, the nature of my relationship with Raffaella Fico.” (Via the Sun)

Well that’s a very mature and reasonable way of looking at it. What’s that, he’s not done? Okay, well go right on, Mario.

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