As has become customary in this YouTube era, companies no longer wait for the Super Bowl to actually air their Super Bowl ads, which is why any outrage from PornHub’s executives would be about as real as a Faye Reagan orgasm. At the very least, many companies have started leaking “teaser ads” – which is wholly absurd – like Mercedes’ Kate Upton car wash ad or Volkswagen’s Star Wars dogs, but most companies have just said, “F*ck it, here’s the whole commercial” because they love when bros like me write about them.
Speaking of Volkswagen, the German car company’s Super Bowl 47 ad hit the cat tubes earlier this week and it already has more than 3 million views on YouTube. Of course, it’s not because the commercial is any good – it’s okay, I guess – it’s because people think that white people doing Jamaican voices is racist.
Gee, I wonder if Volkswagen’s ad team saw all of this attention coming when they filmed this commercial.
Cocky 17-Year-Old Gets Ruined In A Rap Battle With His English Teacher - Laughing my ass off at “Blizzard”. What’re you, a fake rapper from an episode of Clone High? [Buzzfeed]
Are These NCAA Helmet Concepts Better Than Current Designs? - I bought a tablet! Look at these helmets! They’ve got lens flares! Blergh! [Brobible]
Twelve Reasons Why NBC Is a Last-Place Network - Reason thirteen: nobody at the network has invited me over to meet and take pictures with Aubrey Plaza. Reason fourteen: Aubrey Plaza has never kissed me on the mouth. [Warming Glow]
Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Specifically The Province of Skyrim - Now I really want to run into Pimpbot 5000 in a Dwemer Ruin. [Gamma Squad]
Channing Tatum Showed Rachel McAdams His Dong - Channing Tatum shows us his dong every time he makes a movie. He calls it “acting”. [Film Drunk]
Meme Watch: Sudden Clarity Clarence Finally Gets It - A guy with an upset look on his face with the caption “oh my god I left the clothes in the washer” is the closest I’ve ever come to being in a meme. [UPROXX]
This Is How You Place An Order At Sonic - I wonder how many times I missed someone “going viral” as a teenager by just rolling my eyes at people like this instead of taping them? [UPROXX]
Redbox Gives Warner Bros The One-Finger Salute - Hey guys, I want something that is exactly like Netflix, only I’d have to drive to the Walgreens down the street and stand in the parking lot for several minutes before it’d let me watch a movie. Any ideas? [Smoking Section]
Kate Upton Is The Best Person Ever At Eating Cheeseburgers - If you missed this, please click the link. We only update about Kate so many times each day. [With Leather]
Is Kristen Bell’s Sloth Meltdown Meme-Worthy? - No? It’s just nice. Stop making things memes! [The FW]
25 Things That Have Happened Since Meryl Streep Won Her Most Recent Oscar - I was two, if that matters. Holy sh*t that was a long time ago. That was what, 1928? [Moviefone]
The Best Gallery of Soul Calibur Cosplay in Existence - Hot girls dressed like Mortal Kombat characters > people dressed like Soul Calibur things. Unless it’s Link. Girls dressed like Link are the BEST. [Unreality]
And when all else fails, just reference Star Wars, whether it fits your product or not.
How is it that Next Media Animation, the same news team who turned Ndamukong Suh into a zombie and showed Jerry Jones murder a child with fire breath, can so succinctly get to the heart of Super Bowl ads and why we’re all sheepish pieces of sh*t for enjoying them? They’ve got Volkswagen’s number with the Star Wars quote, and I’m pretty sure every GoDaddy.com writers’ meeting begins with a naked dancing lady with XXX across her chest. If Dennis Haysbert ever kills a guy with an insurance check and makes out with his widow they’ll be straight-up prophets.
It’s also pretty sad that Taiwanese animation, with all its hyperbolic imagery and blunt, warped English, could be less intellectually offensive than actual Super Bowl ads. Not necessarily the Bud Frogs or Betty White (who Taiwan makes look more like Martha Plimpton than Betty White) getting footballed for Snickers, but have you seen Danica Patrick and Jillian Michaels bodypainting a model and getting all hot and bothered over Dot Co domain names? If you go to GoDaddy.com you can see more! On GoDaddy.com they show boobies, and the women make out and Danica Patrick gets f**ked with a fitness roller, I’m assuming!
I’ve never quite understood why companies still pay upwards of $3.5 million for Super Bowl ad spots. I mean, back in the 90s and early 00s I can understand why they did, and I’m glad they did because most Super Bowl commercials provide much needed entertainment during breaks in play. After all, that entertainment sure as hell ain’t coming from a halftime show.
But today’s Super Bowl commercial is almost a lesson in futility. For starters, people watching in bars or at Super Bowl parties can’t even hear them, so the spots and money are essentially wasted. Hell, half the time I’m too busy trying to explain to people how their squares work or scoring ridiculous prop bet sheets. And with the Internet, YouTube and 6 zillion blogs ready to pounce, almost every commercial is leaked before the big game anyway.
First up, this Volkswagen ad that found its way to the intertunnels this week. The company is referring to it as a teaser ad, or an ad for an ad, but whatever it is, it’s fantastic – simple, funny, dogs. It has nothing to do with actually purchasing, owning or driving a Volkswagen, and why should it? Give me dogs barking the Star Wars theme and I’m going to at least consider buying your product.
Above is yet another leaked Super Bowl ad for Volkswagen, which seems to be hellbent on getting us to buy their wonderful cars this year. Heck, if they’d be willing to send me a free car I’d be glad to write about how awesome they are. In the meantime, I maintain my stance that rollerblades are the coolest form of transportation on Earth.
As for the ads, what’s the point of dishing out $3 million for a Super Bowl ad if companies are going to keep releasing them early? Element of surprise, Volkswagen. Look it up. What’s that Doritos? You leaked your commercial, too? What the F, people?
Look friends, I’m not Peter King. I can’t tell you in September which teams are going to play in the Super Bowl, and I can’t tell you that Roger Goodell said something and then try to take it back when I realize that I pissed everyone off. What I can tell you is that Julian Assange and Wikileaks are up to no good again, as three – count them, 3! – Super Bowl commercials have been leaked early. And while this may seem like no big deal, it has never happened before and therefore deserves our attention. Wait a sec, I’m being told this happens every year. Damn you, Assange.
After the jump, we’ve got the leaked commercials for Volkswagen, GM and Career Builder…