"Where's Ben Wallace, String?"

HBO’s ‘The Wire’ is the best TV show ever made. There, I said it.

In 5 seasons over 60 episodes, David Simon’s law and streets epic was literature on television, an experience so dense and rewarding that it somehow managed to simultaneously depict life in Baltimore as realistic and hyper-romanticized. It’s one of those things you’ve either seen and worship, or have resisted all your friends screaming OH MY GOD YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE WIRE NO SERIOUSLY BORROW MY DVDS AND WATCH IT for like ten years.

This week’s Sports On TV column is in reverence to this masterwork of Orioles jokes and cereal references, and my only real disclaimer is that there are tons and tons of spoilers inside, so it’ll work best if you’ve seen the entire run of the show. If you haven’t, you should still click through … out-of-context Wire quotes are like gold, glittery paint on the Internet and should be experienced.

And yes, I took notes on a criminal f**king conspiracy.

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One of the more unheralded events in a pro wrestling fan’s life is the semi-annual WWE Fire Sale, wherein the world’s most profitable sports entertainment and Slurpee cup company realizes it is paying a bunch of people hundreds of thousands of dollars to do nothing and starts firing everybody. For the performers, I imagine this to be a stressful time of uncertainty. For the fan, it’s great for a few reasons; we get gossipy stuff to talk about (in a world where only deaths and on-screen results constitute real news) and an improved chance of seeing some of our favorite superstars at independent wrestling shows and comic book conventions. Usually the cuts come around Wrestlemania in the Spring, but the rosters remained mostly unchanged until the WWE quarterly report rolled in.

The only thing wrestling news sites like PWInsider.com are reporting is that I’ve just won a free iPad, so here’s a quick rundown of the performers who caught the axe today. In case more releases happen after this post goes live, I’ll update it, so keep checking back.

Melina
Melina (real name Melina Perez) is the biggest cut announced so far, as she’s a two-time WWE Divas Champion and three-time WWE Women’s Champion who has been with the company since 2004. She’s the real-life girlfriend of Raw star John Morrison and hasn’t done anything better than being the object of affection for Zack Ryder’s dad on Z! True Long Island Story since about 2008. She currently runs a Twitter account that makes you feel weird about her real-life personality and informs you of her love of Skittles.

WWE wishes her well in her future endeavors, but they say that to everybody. There is a 1:1 chance she will be TNA Knockouts Champion before Wednesday.

Chris Masters
Masters joined World Wrestling Entertainment in 2005 and was a regular contender for both the WWE and Intercontinental Championships until his release in 2007 for multiple violations of WWE’s Substance Abuse and Drug Policy. “The Masterpiece” returned to WWE in 2009, reinventing himself first as a muscular guy who could make his pecs bounce to music (don’t ask) and then as a legitimately fantastic, under-the-radar pro wrestler on their “Superstars” show. Masters is most famous for his submission finisher “The Masterlock”, a full nelson that couldn’t be broken until Bobby Lashley showed up and started ruining everything for everybody.

With a great look and a new-found passion for pro wrestling, Masters should be able to find a job competing anywhere, especially Japan. The joke about him showing up in TNA as “Masterful” Chris Mordetzky (“we know who THAT is, Taz!” etc.) would’ve been funnier a few years ago.

More after the jump.

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