The NBA is back.
That statement inspires one of two feelings inside you. The first is a swell of hope and a flood of memories from 65 years of America’s greatest team sport. The second, most succinctly summed up as “meh”, only allows you to enjoy basketball when jumping online to tell a bunch of strangers on the Internet how little of a sh*t you give about basketball being back. More than football, more than wonderful old boring baseball, pro basketball (especially now, especially after all that) divides us right down the middle, leaving us cheering with tears in our eyes or dismissing with a wanking motion.
To illustrate this point, see Exhibit A: TNT’s NBA Opening Day montage. Michael Jordan is giving respeck knuckles to Derrick Rose. Wilt Chamberlain is slapping Dwight Howard on the ass. Magic is no-look f**king passing to Kobe Bryant. It should give you goosebumps. If it doesn’t, please consult the second video, wherein a drunk guy in a Santa suit gets great tickets to an opening day game and uses his time to yell WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM SANTA, A RING to LeBron James while he shoots free throws.
The YouTube description for this video says it all in a wonderful, Hans Moleman sort of way:
Man getting kicked in the balls after committing a foul and taunting other players.
I guess the only thing you can add after that is “excuse me, Man? If you’re going to commit a foul and taunt other players, don’t stand over them with your legs like that”. I don’t know a lot about lacrosse and even less about Hurling, which this apparently is, so I’m not sure where the fouling starts. A guy gets dragged to the ground, so a player from the other team hits him with a stick. Is it legal in Hurling to hit the other team with youre stick when they’re on the ground? Anyway, that guy gets checked from behind, then retaliates by kicking a guy in the balls. Funny, or video evidence of the least sportsmanlike player of all time? You make the call.
[h/t Bob's Blitz]
Amir Sayoud is a lot of things. He’s an Algerian footballer currently playing as an attacking midfielder for Egyptian side Al-Ahly, he’s the love-child of Tom Haverford and Jean-Ralphio from “Parks and Recreation” — but I know what he really is.
Watch the video. It’s making the rounds on the Internet today, showing up on Dirty Tackle (and anywhere with “fail” in the title) as a supreme example of someone trying to pull off a cheap soccer move and eating grass. That should be the end of it, but it looked familiar to me, so I flipped back through some of my earlier posts from this summer and realized his stutter-step, faceplant and harmless dribbler to the goalkeeper was nearly identical to the epic fail of the Japanese Robot Soccer Cat. Yes, it’s my theory that this isn’t a “fail”, but the best kick from a robotic Japanese soccer playing cat who has entered Mark II and had his exoskeleton-covering kitty costume replaced humanoid flesh.
Don’t believe me? Watch the video below and compare the shots yourself.
There are two major groups of people who stumble upon videos of independent pro wrestlers doing goofy sh*t:
1. Wrestling nerds. They’ll see a video (or a gif) shortly after it happens while they’re browsing their favorite wrestling forum, stuck somewhere between the petulant name-calling and the latently homosexual discussions about whether or not wrestlers have “the look”.
2. Sports writers who don’t watch wrestling (meaning they infrequently tune in to Raw) who can’t believe what they’re seeing, toss a “viral video” tag on the clip and share it to millions of like-minded individuals despite the fact that its like four years old and everybody who likes wrestling has seen it.
This happened in a big way earlier this year when a clip of the Osirian Portal using hypnosis on their opponents and causing a colossal dance party started getting covered on everything resembling Deadspin as the “most illegal move in wrestling move in history!” and again a few months later when “amazing 9-year old wrestler” Mr. No. 6 (who was six when the video first went up, hence the name) showed up on Jimmy Traina’s Hot Clicks. G4′s “Attack of the Show” has gotten into the antiquated pro wrestling clip game by featuring Chuck Taylor trying to kill ant-themed wrestlers “The Colony” with an invisible grenade. It’s funny, and you should watch it whether you like wrestling or not.
In the best jetpack-related disaster to happen on Fox since George Michael battled a giant mole and accidentally destroyed Sudden Hill, Fox 5 Reporter Matt Johnson tries to tape an intro with a cool aeronaut and almost gets dumped in the drink by the grinning moron and his wacky flying machine. Two observations:
1. Jetpacks still need a little work, and
2. Fox 5 should probably start a little later
I’ve watched this about ten times, and I think what makes it funny is how helplessly the guy tumbles into the water. Like, he doesn’t take off and then crash, he just steps off the platform and drowns. You don’t get to see what happens, but I hope the jetpack kicked in just as he went underwater and he got shot straight down to the bottom. And then he stays under too long and everyone gets concerned, but then he FLIES UP out of the water and up into the sky yelling WOO HOOOOOOO.
I watch too many superhero movies.
[h/t The Daily What]