The best flagrant fouls should always involve Tyler Hansbrough.

A few years ago, I was at my local Publix buying some pregnancy tests when I ended up sharing the elevator to the parking garage with Bo Outlaw. Another guy started a conversation with him and asked if fouls were really as bad as some players made them seem, and Outlaw said that NBA players have it worse than NFL players because they don’t get pads. I scoffed at that idea and he looked me dead in the eye and said, “You try being 7-feet tall and getting thrown to the ground while you’re jumping” and I thought to myself, “Well, I’m 5-10, chubby and I don’t jump a lot, so I’ll take your word for it, Chet.”

The point of this week’s edition of “Cool Story, Bro” is that someone named Mike B or Mike 8, depending on your comprehension of fonts, made a video called the NBA Flagrant Foul Mix, and it’s an incredibly hilarious reminder that NBA players have loved beating the sh*t out of each other for a long, long time.

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The Miami Heat’s victory parade began today at 11 a.m., regardless of how much Tropical Storm Debby wants to trickle all over Florida, but for most people it’s merely a continuation of a party that started last Thursday night after the Heat won the NBA Finals in 5 games. But if it does rain today, Heat fans, remember that white gloves shrink and are a bitch to dry clean.

Over the weekend, between a slew of stupid Dwight Howard rumors and pictures of cats wearing funny hats, I noticed a video in my Twitter feed that claimed to honor the “Only in Miami” mantra, so I figured it was probably two dudes wearing mesh shirts and smoking cigars beating each other with machetes. Instead, it was actually a really nice tribute to Miami’s culture, with the Heat’s championship – and the restaurant La Carreta – set as the backdrop to deliver a small-town feel.

Pour yourself an espresso and enjoy.

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Apologies for the light day today; we’re working off of a laptop with no taskbar and a 10-year-old desktop with no soundcard, so we really have no idea what’s going on in the world today, aside from the fact that my laptop is probably infected with a virus. Just like Ufford.

Anyway, here’s the great spoof put together by what we’re guessing is a local Clevelander with a video camera and a dream–a dream of expressing his heartbreak of LeBron leaving Cleveland for Miami. And really, it’s amazing all of Cleveland hasn’t left for Miami. The percentage of people that speak fluent English in both cities is about the same.

Via Everyone.

We say this a lot, but this time I truly mean it. If you don’t like this video mashup after the jump featuring Skillet the bulldog [who made his UPROXX debut on FilmDrunk last week] and soundbites from CBS play-by-play screamer Gus Johnson [via this immaculate creation], we can’t be friends. At all. Ever. In fact, if you don’t enjoy the hell out of this video, you may as well just quit reading this site altogether. Because I haven’t felt as good about anything as I have about this. And that’s after watching this Chatroulette spoof earlier in the day. Trust me, it’s awesome. And if it’s not…hey, it runs less than a minute. Get over there, already.

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With the Super Bowl around the corner, it seems only appropriate to drop in with another amazing short film. Scott Gairdner‘s “Sex Offender Shuffle” is a delightful parody of the famous Chicago Bears’ “Super Bowl Shuffle” from 1985. This does an amazingly awesome job of capturing the entire sex offender spectrum. Uh, that’s what a friend told me. But I’ve already said too much. And for the record, I find the lady perv quite striking. But what else is new… BIG ups to Andrew for the find.

The second half of the NFL season was just a little less whimsical without the work of BradyFan83 — it's been a while since Rob Bironas's tribute — but he's come back from whatever offline world he was visiting to bring us an ode to the Chargers' LaDainian Tomlinson set to the tune of "Mrs. Robinson." Granted, nothing will ever top "Brady," but BF is still less rusty than I would be after a three-month layoff. 

Oh man, a three-month layoff sounds awesome.  What do I have to do around here to get fired?  All I do is swear and look at naked chicks all day.  What kind of backwards job is this?