With hundreds of thousands of college students recovering, enjoying or maybe still planning their Spring Break adventures for this year, word is beginning to surface that there may be a darker underbelly to this great American tradition that I have been honoring all week. According to the cool kids who play their loud rap music at the malt shops, there’s a chance that young men and women are “hooking up” and “getting their freak on” whilst taking a break from Academia, and it appears that the culprit behind all of this nincompoopery is Victoria’s Secret and its new “Bright Young Things” line.

While I refuse to believe that a company as splendid as VS, which has brought us shining examples of humanity in Adriana Lima, Doutzen Kroes, Candice Swanepoel and many, many others, would knowingly encourage young women to behave in illicit manners, there are some parents out there who believe otherwise. And parents know everything and have never, ever done anything wrong. Am I right, kids?

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Forgive me, faithful With Leatherheads, for I have sinned. I saw this story loosely related to Reading Football Club the other day and whispered to myself ever so gently, “Hey, maybe throw up a post about those losers” before pouring myself into a bubble bath, but then I forgot because I’m old and stupid. Anyway, Reading is currently only three points better than Queens Park for dead last in the Barclays Premier League standings, so it’s safe to say that they’re not having the best season, at least on the field.

If I wanted to be an optimist, though, I’d say that Reading is only 48 points out of first place, but then I’d probably incite a soccer hooligan riot in the comments, because I never ever get soccer terminology right. That said, I’ll stick to what I know and what I know is that Reading is owned by 30-year old Anton Zingarevich, who is the son of Russian billionaire Boris Zingarevich. And if Jason Bourne and James Bond movies have taught me anything, it’s that Russian billionaires make all of their money by stealing oil pipelines from other billionaires.

So what does a few billion dollars buy a 30-year old? For starters, obviously, a professional soccer club. But much more importantly – since the club in question is awful – this status has also landed Anton a 23-year old wife named Katsia, who just so happens to be a Victoria’s Secret Angel, which is something that is obviously very important to me based on what interests me.

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Candice Swanepoel and Doutzen Kroes of Victoria’s Secret fame are swimming, and swimming is a sport, so here you go. Also, it’s January, and I’m willing to listen to an entire Bruno Mars song to make this happen. More like Candice Swimmingpool, am I right? (via High Definite)

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Links

Immerse Yourself In The Infinite Wisdom Of Raylan Givens |UPROXX|

That’s Just Wrong, Internet: It’s Robert Griffin III’s Knee Injury In Meme Form |With Leather|

Netflix Adds 8 New TV Shows, Some Of Which You Might Actually Watch |Warming Glow|

Sam Jackson also thought the ending of Lincoln sucked, in case you were wondering |Film Drunk|

Five Non-Blockbuster SF Movies To Look Forward To In 2013 |Gamma Squad|

Azealia Banks, Angel Haze Go Tit For Tat On Twitter, New Diss Songs |Smoking Section|

Peyton Manning Is A MacBook, According To Bernard Pollard |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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Late last week, USA Today reported that the Dallas Cowboys would be opening a Cowboys-themed Victoria’s Secret at Cowboys Stadium. They didn’t explicitly say that it was to balance out Cowboys.com being lost at auction and turned into a gay country-and-western dating site, but we all know what’s going on here.

My experience at Cowboys Stadium has been limited to “pay 60 dollars to park at the Ballpark In Arlington and wedge myself into a monolithic spaceship full of drunk people who are expecting to be upset,” so being able to see sports-themed underpants as I wander by looking for a kiosk that sells fruit without beef juice injected into it will be a nice change of pace.

The Cowboys will have a ceremonial ribbon-cutting event that will take place a few hours before Monday’s kickoff.

And of course the benefit of an underwear store event: models.

Victoria’s Secret models Elsa Hosk and Jessica Hart will be in attendance, along with Jones’ daughter, the Cowboys’ executive VP for brand management.

That happened, and now thanks to contributions from the (cough) official Dallas Cowboys website and Fox Sports Southwest, we can take a look at them. It. The store. Whatever.

Please enjoy the photos. Oh, and if anybody from the Houston Texas is reading this, shoot me an e-mail. I’ve got a great idea for a Matt Schaub-themed Bath & Body Works.

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The people behind the website CharityBuzz operate under the philosophy “Do Good, Live Well” and with that one belief, they have helped raise more than $60 million by auctioning off special event packages that involve some of the biggest names in entertainment and sports. In fact, here are a few of my favorite auctions that I found after checking out the site:

• Meet Michael Douglas and Morgan Freeman and compete in Michael Douglas Celebrity Golf Tournament in Atlantis (and then marry a girl 30 years younger than you)
• Receive golf lessons from Butch Harmon (leave me alone, I love golf)
• Visit the Fox NFL set and meet the crew (how about I pay to not do that?)
• Spend 5 nights in a luxury hotel before attending the 2012 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, and have lunch with an Angel (!!!!!!!!)
• Spend a day in Los Angeles with Tesla founder Elon Musk (at first I thought that was the band Tesla and I was ready to take out a loan)

And perhaps the most intriguing CharityBuzz sports auction currently under way involves bidding on the opportunity for your kid to play catch with Brett Favre. Currently at $4,250, this package – pun really f*cking intended – is valued at $10,000. For your dollar, Favre will come to your kid’s school or practice field and teach him (or her, liberals) how to pass for 70,000 yards, 500 touchdowns and 8 billion interceptions, as long as you live in or near Sumrall, Mississippi.

It sucks that you either have to live in or be willing to travel to Sumrall, because I’d be interested in winning this auction just to pay a line of local kids to drill Favre in the nuts with footballs.

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Let’s face it – this has been a pretty sh*tty week for sports. I went to a bar last night to watch the Raiders-Chargers game and every conversation around me was Penn State this and Joe Paterno that. I even met San Diego Padres pitcher Luke Gregerson and we talked about how much I hated that the St. Louis Cardinals traded him for Khalil Greene, but after a minute or two everything was back to Penn State.

Hell, I tried to change the subject to Wilson Ramos, the Washington Nationals catcher who was kidnapped from his own home in Venezuela. On any other day that’s a huge, world-stopping story. But not with this Penn State stuff going down. And it’s depressing as all hell. So I thought we could all use a little pick-me-up today.

The other night, Victoria’s Secret Angels did their thing for their annual fashion show at the Lexington Avenue Armory in New York City. The event featured performances from Adam Levine, Kanye West, and Nicki Minaj, who constantly looks like she’s taking a dump, but we don’t care about any of that. Not even that Leonardo DiCaprio was in attendance, apparently shopping for his latest treat. Nope, we deserve to be cheered up, so I’ll let the models take it from here.

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