As much as I watch and overanalyze television, I had no clue that VH1 still produced original series, let alone scripted dramas and not hokey reality series about musicians you’ve never heard of (although Bands Reunited was one of the greatest TV shows of any kind in the history of the medium, but that’s another discussion for another UPROXX site). So imagine my surprise when I learned that VH1 has a show entitled, Hit the Floor, which is about a girl named Ahsha (which I pray is pronounced Asia) who joins a fictional NBA dance team, the Los Angeles Devil Girls, only to discover that it’s fast-paced lifestyle that she never imagined.

Basically, it’s like a PG version of Showgirls with former L.A. Laker Rick Fox filling in for Kyle McLachlan and none of the pool scene.

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In a story TMZ.com is calling an exclusive because someone paid them to write about it, Anna Benson, wife of former New York Mets Baltimore Orioles pitcher Kris Benson, shocked and upset producers of ‘Baseball Wives’, a reality show debuting tonight, when she threatened Chuck Knoblauch’s wife with a stun gun and a 12-inch dildo she’d produced from her purse. I find three things wrong with this news blurb:

1. There is no way somebody married Chuck Knoblauch.

2. Who tries to threaten somebody with a dildo, and furthermore, what kind of porno-ready Magic Murder Bag is Anna Benson carrying around where she can comfortably transport and whip out a 12-inch dong? My girlfriend barely has enough room in her purse for my keys.

3. Shouldn’t your husband have to be playing baseball to make you a “baseball wife”? I think I’ve started more Major League games in the last five years than Kris Benson.

Anyway, if “reality show person shocks reality show people with reality show behavior” wasn’t enough to clue you in, TMZ’s finishing line of

Sources tell us … show execs are trying to contain Anna.

should be enough to tip you off to the bullsh*t. I don’t know what’s funnier, the idea of Baseball Wives producers trying to wrangle a terrible baseball player’s gold-digging stripper wife in a circus cage to maintain the integrity of their Celebreality fame-whore Thunderdome or TMZ’s use of ellipses making it read like they’re on the end of a 1950s newswire with bated breath, breaking the sentence up into fragments to get us the news as fast as possible. BREAKING NEWS, STOP. BASEBALL WIVES DRAMA, STOP. CHUCK KNOBLAUCH’S MOTHER-WIFE STRUCK BY PHALLUS, STOP.

You can check out ‘Baseball Wives’ tonight on VH1, or even better, you can’t.

The testament to a truly great reality show is nonstop energy and excitement. So it’s probably not a good thing if the star of a show falls asleep during an episode. In the third episode of Chad Ochocinco’s The Ultimate Catch, the Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver took contestants Katie and Tara on a surprise double date to Las Vegas, and during the flight he passed out. And that pretty much sums up where this show is going quickly.

Tara has spent most of her time on the show complaining about how Ocho tried to dry hump her at one point, while many can argue that she was indeed the humper of dryness. She’s besmirched Chad’s gentle heart in private – on TV – while speaking with the other girls, so you’d assume that she’d be an easy pick to get the boot after her double sate with Katie. One problem – Katie’s a “born again virgin” and won’t have sex again until she gets married. So basically, she’s a slut.

Spoilers after the jump… if you dare.

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Chad Ochocinco’s new reality series The Ultimate Catch (GET IT?!?!) debuted on VH1 last Sunday and I missed the first episode. But thanks to the overwhelming encouragement of my friends and a very generous Internet, I caught up on episode 1 last night before watching episode 2. As a precursor, I hate reality TV with a passion. But bless Chad’s heart, because this show is phenomenal. In fact, it’s so awesomely awful that we’re going to devote a post every Monday to recap each episode until Chad ultimately finds love*.

To catch us up, here are the basics of the show: Ochocinco has created a tournament bracket for girls to compete in a variety of football-themed, humiliating events in order to win his affection. These events include the Hugging Sled (see after the jump), a simulated gameday tailgate featuring actual Cincinnati Bengals fans, and lots of jiggling. Terrell Owens even stopped by to show us that he has absolutely nothing else going on in his life. But the stakes were raised for the 16 girls who made it past the first episode’s cuts, and for the second episode they had to compete against each other in double dates to advance to the next round. Thank God Chad didn’t employ his own version of the BCS.

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