Vernon Wells redefined the meaning of common sense on Sunday when he announced that he would not *GASP!* opt out of his contract after this season. Five years ago, Wells signed a 7-year contract with the Toronto Blue Jays worth $126 million, so it shouldn’t take a math genius to figure out why he wouldn’t want to stick out those final three years, despite the fact that he’s not worth even half of what he’s being paid.

And you can’t blame the guy, because who the hell would give up that kind of cheddar? But just in case you were wondering, Wells offered up his reasoning.

“Why would you waive your no-trade clause (to accept a trade to the Angels) and then opt out one year later?

“Maybe it’s just society, but people put too much on struggling,” Wells said. “All of a sudden, everything is negative – you’re a bad guy; you’re unhappy. It’s a struggle, yeah. But that’s all it is. I’ve struggled before. Baseball is such a different game. You can be an All-Star one year, struggle the next year and become an All-Star again.

“It is what it is. … (Southern California) is a great place to live, a great place to play. I’ve got a lot of good years left and I look forward to having them there.”

(Via OC Register)

Well, he has three years left, sure. Unless the Anaheim Angels of Anaheim can find a team that would be dumb enough to take on that kind of contract. Maybe the Blue Jays are interested.

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Last month, I introduced you to Celebrity Guest Dugout Week, a week full of Dugouts written by the biggest and brightest names in sports journalism. Well, there ended up only being one, by Bill Simmons of Grantland.com.

I was disappointed in the turnout (Peter Gammons didn’t return my calls, the guy who runs Bleacher Report just snail mailed me a box of crayon drawings and Spiffy Sean Styles of Lethal Entertainment is horrible), so I called Simmons up and asked him to find me another guest writer. After a four hour phone conversation wherein he compared his wife and kids to Kevin McHale, we found our next author — American poet and novelist Charles Bukowski. His unique brand of transgressive fiction and dirty realism is perfect for my webcomic about baseball players cursing, and here we are.

Today’s Dugout follows. People are finally going to start taking us seriously.

[editors note: Today's Dugout is actually guest written by a good friend of mine, Mr. William Hanstock of Progressive Boink and Baseball Feelings fame. Be sure to follow him on Twitter, or at least let him know what you think.]

[secondary editor's note: Today's Dugout about how nobody talks about the Angels was written before the Angels decided to pitch a g.d. no hitter.]

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Vernon Wells is entering Season Four of a seven-year, $126-million contract, which is a hell of a lot of money. Some people would even suggest that it’s too much, and Vernon Wells would actually agree with you. The Blue Jays centerfielder said earlier this week that he tries to use that money to do good in the community.

“You get to go out and impact lives. The way I feel about it, I was blessed with that contract to go out and do things. Everybody would say I’m not worth the money and I would totally agree that I’m not worth that contract, but I don’t think there is anybody . . . but I know what I can do with that contract will far outdo what that contract’s worth.”

–Toronto Star, via Hardball Talk.

Whatever, Vernon. Just go out and spend it on whores like any other guy would. Whores…and a life-sized foosball table. And then when the whores wake up from the roofie nap, just scream OH MY GOD SOMEBODY SHRUNK US AND PUT US IN A FOOSBALL TABLE! It’s great fun until the police show up.

This video’s almost a month old and I have no idea what Toronto Blue Jays slugger Vernon Wells is talking about, let alone which one of the so-called Action Girls he’s sharing (whichever one she is, I’d bet you couldn’t slide a 50-dollar bill between her knees…maybe a hundred). But anyway, chick mentions something about a lawsuit, and Wells guesses that it’s probably fellow Blue Jay Aaron Hill, “because he’s a racist.” Uhhh…

I guess it’s a joke, but jokes are supposed to be…I don’t know…funny? Or at the very least, involve prostitutes and/or dead babies so that at least we know that you’re trying to be funny and just not getting there. But this? I don’t know what the hell this is. Vernon Wells hardly seems like the Malcolm X type. Maybe Malcolm Z, as in zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Enjoy other potentially racist acts after the jump: Read the rest of this entry »