Yes, I know he's a Buc now.

There were three inherent dangers that came with making these rankings. First, the obvious reader disagreement with my rankings and the subsequent cries of “You’re a moron” and “This child is yours” that come with it. Second, the distraction of the themes and the argument that I’ve neglected this girl or that. With that, I feel true regret for some omissions, but I’m not Bill Simmons and I can’t assign a different female to every player listed, nor can I fellate myself. And third, I’ve exposed myself to my own neighbors leagues and now my fellow fantasy owners know my draft strategies and the players that I’m targeting. Oh well, it’s their funeral, because I’m wrong 9 times out of 8.

But the show must go on, and today we are examining the endangered species of the worthwhile tight end. Through no obvious relation or even basic reasoning other than my newfound adoration of the WWE’s Maryse Ouellet, and with the help of Senor Stroud, I’ve chosen to compare tight ends to the ladies of professional wrestling. Perhaps in another season I’ll even go as far as to use the Glamorous Ladies of Wrestling. Until then, the standard tight end rules apply:

- Don’t draft one too early.
- Don’t draft one too late.
- Don’t get sucked into the “run.”
- Don’t draft Jeremy Shockey. When will you learn?

Now let’s start the controversy.

Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian have been married for nearly a year now, and thankfully, they haven’t gotten on my nerves during that time. So much for that, because the two have had their pitch for a reality TV show heard, and by God, their prayers have been answered. In a completely unrelated story, the underemployment rate is sky high.

The show will chronicle shock-jock Khloe’s quest to get pregnant by her multi-million-dollar Laker husband, in addition to other gripping storylines — like furnishing her McMansion — according to reports.

E! would not confirm plans for a series. However, the network is home to all of the Kardashians’ other ventures including “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” “Khloe and Kourtney Take Miami,” and the show sister Kim produces, “The Spin Crowd.” –NYPost via –USAToday

I have so many problems with those two paragraphs, but most particularly with the use of the word gripping. Why? Because gripping implies that my eyes will be gripped to the screen, unable to turn away from Khloe waddling around her mega house bitching about the feng shui of her dog’s bathroom. I’m not saying that I watch a lot of E!, but there’s no way in hell this show can even touch Pretty Wild. I think I could have fun with those girls (link NSFW). Lamar Odom’s on TV all the time. Vernon Davis on TV is something to watch. If there’s not footy, it’s fiction, so video evidence is after the jump. (Possibly NSFW) Read the rest of this entry »

I’m not huge on the whole “man-law” mantras that seem to be flying around all the time, especially when it comes to some of the more ridiculous minutiae. But I do believe in the first two statutes of the man code: never sit down to pee unless you’re stretching a single to a double, and if there’s not a laptop in it, it’s a purse! From the Honeymag Q&A (thanks, David):

When you’re going out without the help of a stylist, how long does it take you to get dressed?

It takes me around an hour because I have to make sure what I have on really reflects my personal style, and then it has to be perfect, or close to it.[...]

When is a murse appropriate? Do you carry one?

Yes, I carry one only when I am going to the beach, pool party or outdoor event.

An outdoor event? At say, oh I don’t know…a highway rest stop? A nude beach in San Francisco? To a protest of the new Bruno movie? No wonder Mike Singletary hates this guy…but that doesn’t really explain why coach showed him the one-eyed assistant. “See me after practice” takes on a whole new meaning with that.

49ers tight end Vernon Davis is reportedly dating this charming young lady, known to reality TV experts as "Black" from Flavor of Love 3 on VH1.  Nothing like pretending to be interested in a mentally imbalanced sellout with brain damage to raise your profile high enough to gain the attention of a millionaire pro athlete.  Although I imagine she had other assets that helped gain Vernon's attention.

Black's real name is apparently Candace, and if it's okay with everyone, I'm gonna call her that.  Calling her "Black" makes me feel uncomfortable.  Otherwise, I might one day try to compliment Vernon's outfit and be all, "Hey man, you look good in black."  And then my spine would be compressed.

Anyway, Sportaphile was nice enough to compile several photos of Candace, and I opted for this beach-y pose over the one of her chained up on a roof.  As we all know, it's wrong to chain women up on the roof.  The fresh air makes it too easy for them to call for help.  And anyway, this photo is more flattering.  But then, I'm always biased towards women who aren't wearing a top.

And would you look at that?  Some raccoon or other small mammal tracked muddy paw prints up her leg.  Someone should really lick those off for her.  And by someone I mean Vernon Davis.  I like my spine the way it is.