Not her, the other one.

If you’ve been upset at how infrequent our coverage of Kris Humphries’ gross sex life had become following his tryst with the Star Mitzvah version of Kim Kardashian, never fear … TMZ.com is here with a report about a lady who claims Humphries had sex with her without a condom and gave her herpes.

Now I’m sure your brain is going KIM KARDASHIAN HERPES KIM KARDASHIAN HERPES, but please, hold all Twitter and Celebrity Roast jokes until the end of the blockquote.

Kayla Goldberg claims she met Kris in August, 2010 at the Newsroom Cafe on Robertson Blvd. in L.A. They flirted, exchanged numbers, and she claims that night they met up at Trousdale nightclub on the Sunset Strip.

According to the suit, Kris came on to Kayla, touching, kissing and dancing with her. Kayla claims he took her to his hotel and they had sex multiple times … including oral sex. The suit claims during a portion of the sexual encounter Kris did not wear a condom.

The lawsuit claims Kris did not inform Kayla he had herpes — and she claims in the suit that he did indeed have the disease.

Kayla says a week later she was diagnosed with herpes. Her symptoms included a sore throat, fever, body aches and immobilizing pain, as well as extreme vaginal irritation and painful legions on her genitalia.

You’ve got to wonder how many vaginal-desecration lawsuits and unwanted pregnancy scares Kris has to have before he just makes a trip to Walgreens like a regular person.

Of course, much in the same way that we shouldn’t automatically assume this is false, we shouldn’t automatically assume this is true. 2012 Kris Humprhies is probably the easiest celebrity ever to hit with a lawsuit, and anyone could say “HE STOOD NEAR ME AND GAVE ME A RASH” with about a 50% chance of it really being his fault. We’ll continue to wish Kris the best in his future endeavors, hope that he’ll drop the 15 bucks on a pack of condoms and try harder to sleep with women who don’t have a video camera, tape recorder and bag of cotton swabs beside the bed.

[TMZ-ese translated into actual English by Larry Brown Sports]

Michigan hockey player Louie Caporusso knows how to treat a woman, and why wouldn’t he? Just think about how great he was in Welcome Back Kotter. But this is actually a surprisingly funny video featuring Caporusso’s strategy for wooing your lady on Valentine’s Day. This might be the only holiday on the calendar where gender identity plays such a prominent role: the guy is expected to exert the lion’s share of the effort. Me? I just suck in my gut and tell her that every day with me is Valentine’s Day. And then I hurry and do the dishes before she starts beating me.

MGO Blue, Via @Texas_Gal.

A late start today means that this story has spread like a, um, wildfire… but nevertheless, I feel compelled to speak of the plight of one "A.B.," a teenage girl who's suing the St Louis Cardinals for helping spread nasty rumors about her, rumors that spread like, uhhhh, room-temperature butter on a hot piece of toast.

The message appeared on a scoreboard that allows fans to display custom remarks via their cell phones. According to the lawsuit, she was at a game with her high school in May 2006 when a female classmate sent the offending message.

It claimed the plaintiff “has an STD! Eww!” [...] Almost all of her friends were at the game, the suit says, and afterwards “boys that she was friends with would no longer associate” with her.

There's an entire treatment clinic full of jokes I could tell here, but since it's the USMC birthday, I'll share a story instead: a Marine I knew came home early from a six-month deployment on a MEU because he got an STD in his eye.  He had brokered a deal with a Thai hooker and wore a condom during the act, but it was hot in the room, and it's not like you stop having sex to wash your hands when you wipe sweat out of your eyes.

So keep that in mind when you go to Thailand: condoms are essential, but don't forget rubber gloves and goggles too.  It sounds like a lot of work, but you should already have those on hand if you're planning ahead to get rid of the body. 

[Deadspin and everyone else]